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My beautiful wife, Allison, joins me for a heartfelt and powerful conversation as we open up about a difficult time in her life and honor the legacy of her beloved grandmother, Doris. We remember the joyful memories from Doris's life, such as a lighthearted "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day" at the local Shop and Save, and the significance of a cherished photograph. Together, we explore the world of Doris and the importance of Seal Rock in Soco for her care, delving into the unforgettable moments we shared, like the family Thanksgiving in the common room of Doris's first apartment.
Navigating the challenges of dementia care, we discuss the importance of forming bonds and the power of memories, reflecting on the special connection that Allison and Doris shared. The heartbreaking moment when Allison had to inform Doris of her husband's passing - and their 65 years of marriage - is a poignant example of the difficulties we faced. Yet, we find solace in faith and the incredible strength it provides during times of loss.
As we honor Doris's legacy, we share the spiritual connections, the inspiration she provided, and the memories that will always be cherished. Through faith and love, we find the courage to share this powerful story, hoping to make a positive impact on those listening. Join us on this emotional journey as we celebrate the life of a remarkable woman and the lessons she taught us along the way.
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When someone asks me what share the Struggle podcast is all about, i am quick to tell them it is a raw, real-time response to life, a transparent and heartfelt truth, an opportunity to share your struggle and spread your strength. Today's episode is the epitome of a raw, real-time response to life. As I am joined by my beautiful wife on an extremely difficult day, Let me tell you something Everybody struggles. The difference is some people choose to go through it and some choose to grow through it. The choice is completely yours. Which one you choose will have a very profound effect on the way you live your life. If you find strength in the struggle, then this podcast is for you. You have a relationship that is comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. Uncomfortable conversations challenge you, humble you and they build you. When you sprinkle a little time and distance on it, it all makes sense. Disagreements they stem from our own insecurities. You are right where you need to be Back on time, leading in black waters And gone from the whole day. Gone, running behind To the rest of the world. Ooh, ooh, ooh. What it do, what it do. I am so damn thankful to be back with you, episode 152. And this week it's not just me and you, because this week I am welcoming a very, very, very lovely, beautiful, very beautiful young lady Okay, that might have got a little weird. My wife, y'all, my wife is joining us today Walking to the show, babe. Hey guys, episode 152, and I'm so happy to be here with you. So how do you do? How do you do over there? Episode 152, me and you. How do you do I'm doing? You've been on the show several times now and for the loyal listeners, the regular listeners of the show, they know that you don't sound like your normal joyous chipper self right now. It's an extremely difficult day. It's been in a difficult couple of weeks, and I'm going to start the show by saying thank you for, number one, having the strength and the courage to come on here today and record this episode, because I know that today's show is going to be an extremely difficult show and we're going to get into all that. But I think it just shows a great amount of courage and strength that you're willing to be here right now to share your story, to bury your soul and to open up this podcast therapy session that I think we're about to have happen here. So I just want to say, before we really get going, thank you for having the courage and the strength to come on here. And then I know what we're about to talk about today. I feel in my heart it's going to help some people and it's going to start by helping you by getting to share your story and the story of someone extremely close to you. So thank you for being on here today. I know how difficult this is I've had to record episodes like this but this one is extremely real time. This is an extremely raw episode And, as we said to open the show, i've always described Share the Struggle podcast as a raw, real time response to life, and we're about to have an unfiltered response to what's happening in your life And the fact you're about to be so transparent about this. I think there's a lot of strength for people, or a lot of strength can be gained for people, from this episode. So I want to say thank you for that And to everybody that's listening that can tell by Allie's voice she's having a tough time today. If you're a loyal listener, a regular listener or a close friend, you might know just how important Allie's meme is to her And over the course of these 150 episodes we've had multiple conversations about meme, multiple memories about her, and today we're going to make today's episode a tribute to your meme. We're going to honor the legacy of Doris today with this very special episode. And before we get into some of the emotional stuff of this, which is hard to ignore. I didn't know if maybe we could start today off with a fun story, a light story. Is there anything that comes to mind out of the cuff that's just you want to share about meme, whether it's from childhood or the past couple of years and the great amount of time you were able to spend together? Is there a good, positive story to get us started today?
Speaker 2:Yeah, as many of you know, we've talked about in the past, i didn't have the best childhood, so meme worked at the local shop and save and she was customer service. So if you're from the local area and you may have gone into the shop and save, you may have seen my little French grandma dot as she went by at customer service checking in your movies or cashing your lottery tickets, maybe even cashing a check, and she would always take me to bring your daughter to work day. So that was always really important for me. She'd give me her green smock and I'd stand on the step stool with her and I would help people all day, every day with her on once a year, i should say. And that always holds a really special spot in my heart And I'm actually looking through pictures right now, trying to find some pictures for the slideshow, and I'm looking for that picture. I know it's around here. So it holds a special spot in my heart. She's truly amazing woman.
Speaker 1:I know that I've seen that photo many times. I know how important that photo is to you. I believe one Christmas you gave her a picture frame with a bunch of photos on it And that was her favorite one. She talked about that one so much She loved working at Haniford shop and save whatever that is She was working at shop and save and then it transferred over to.
Speaker 2:Haniford and she was like, Oh, what is this? I remember that She old school.
Speaker 1:What I think is funny is when we were visiting MMA over the past year and having to explain to her there really is no service desk anymore She felt lost or nuggets man.
Speaker 2:She did. What There's no DVD, cd, vhs, think about it.
Speaker 1:You used to go to the local supermarket. I mean, kids listen in. This is a different world, right? You used to go to the supermarket and actually look at videos on the wall like boxes of them, right? So VHS, dvds Before Blockbuster was it.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, man.
Speaker 1:You could rent it from your local supermarket.
Speaker 2:Haniford And you'd get the little stamps. It was like a card and you'd stamp the card and it would go in the envelope like you'd taking a library book out.
Speaker 1:Between that and your lottery tickets and all these other things that you got to do back in the day at the service desk. You think about it. Now A lot of those things are replaced by conveyor belts and computers and you do most of the work for yourself and, god forbid, you need somebody at the service desk. They're going to have to call somebody to come over right To actually like, oh my God, you have a question, let me get someone. It's a total different world. So she was absolutely blown away by the fact that the service desk really is kind of a thing of the past. I mean, it's used for returns, but it's not the same world that we live in. And over the past couple of years we've really had a great opportunity to spend time with Meme and make a lot of great memories, and I know she had her apartment, right, yeah, The first place when you and me first started dating. I remember going to that first family Thanksgiving that was in the common room for Meme, right, yep, that's where I got to meet so much of your family, obviously for the first time. And you know, just getting to spend some time with Meme, and she instantly took me in and loved me from day one, which was She loves her key Yeah truly, truly special. So even since then we would go to that like a little apartment and spend some time with her, but it was harder to get to right.
Speaker 2:There was a locked door.
Speaker 1:Yeah, limited access key codes, special keys, all this stuff. We weren't really allowed to be there all that often, and was it maybe two years ago She was relocated? Yeah, probably about two years ago.
Speaker 2:I know your aunt was really trying to get her into this place.
Speaker 1:What's the name of? the place that she's Seal Rock in Soco. I know before we get too crazy. I know how thankful you've been for Seal Rock and the people that are there.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, they have been absolutely, truly amazing. From the moment that she got there, when she was very confused So Mimei was battling with dementia and Alzheimer's, so she was very confused as to why she was taken from her home and transferred to this place And from the moment she got there to the moment that she passed away today, they have been absolutely amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she really has been given great care. Everybody there has been super compassionate, i know even over the past couple of days seeing them they've been. They've been overly friendly. But so much of the staff took a real liking to her and she had her little tips and tricks and things. she did with all of them on the daily basis. when someone would go in to take her, what was it? Her blood pressure or blood sugar, her?
Speaker 2:blood sugar, her blood sugar. I would always tell her to give the person, the medical assistant, the finger and she would flip them off. So it's kind of funny because if you guys follow us, you know that my husband and I just got a middle finger tattoo And it's a. I have a rosary on it. On my middle finger it says bless your heart. So that will hold an even deeper meaning to me and Mimei because her faith is very important. So the rosary and then also, if I have to have my blood pressure, my blood sugar checked, i will give them the finger for now on.
Speaker 1:There's so many great stories that have happened since she's been there where she's been comfortable and able to socialize with people and get out and they would take her bowling and get her hair done and they'd have entertainment come in. They had dogs come in that she I know Zach and Danny got her a big thing of treats to give the dogs. She had that Nashville Fanny pack on the side of the wheelchair She could put treats and remotes in and stuff. But she made a lot of friends there and that was great to see and it created an opportunity for us to go whenever we wanted. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You didn't have to go through a locked door or anything like that. You just go in to the front desk, check your temperature and then you go upstairs and you can hang out with her in her own room or you can hang out with her in the great room, and just the ability to go there kind of really whenever I wanted to, without having to reach out to someone like, hey, do you have the key, can I go there? And I just how is she doing? and also having the resource to know that if I couldn't make it there or if I was going there, i could have her, maybe not get dinner if I was going to bring her a surprise or something of that nature. So, everyone at Seal Rock, from the bottom of my heart, i thank you for taking care of her like she was your own.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, As you said, the times that you could bring her something. I know it was very common for you to tell them don't cook her dinner, don't feed her, and you would bring her something, pick her up something. My mom would cook her a dinner and bring it over. I know she loved my mom's pork pies and chop suey.
Speaker 2:Miss Betty's pork pie.
Speaker 1:You would bring those things over. But also we were able to plan for bigger dinners. I know we got to get together with Zach and Danielle and we've had Thanksgiving and Christmas weather and things that really haven't been an option for years. Those memories were able to be made. I'm so thankful for that selfishly for myself, but more so for you, because I was able to be a part of some of the bigger days. But you were a part of so many days. I know it's been a common routine for you to go over a couple times a week to see her and spend time with her. I always look forward to the updates. Many times you guys would FaceTime me if I was working and just to check in the voicemails, the phone calls that I've gotten. Her singing Happy Birthday, all the special opportunities. But moments for you that you were able to in the past let's say two years cram in 10 years of memories because you spent more time with her over these past couple of years than you had in the previous eight. So extremely fortunate there. I'm thankful for that for you and for the whole family, because she really started to live life a lot more over the past couple of years.
Speaker 2:I agree, I agree, And I think that has to go back to CELROC them having all the programs and everything that she could join in on if she wanted to or not join in on, and having those people there, because at the other apartment she just had her own little apartment and they had things going on but she never wanted to come out of her apartment. So with all the opportunities that CELROC has to offer the bowling, the bingo, the whirlpool, the gatherings for all the holidays that they do it really took her out of her shell and I saw her kind of just kind of light up again And that was really important to me. Even on a hard day Maybe she didn't come out of her room, but as soon as I would walk in she would just light up, She remembered me and she knew who I was. And if you've ever dealt with dementia or been a part of someone's journey with dementia, it's hard. You never know if you're going to go in there and if they're going to remember you, or sometimes it's a possibility They don't remember you and they're scared of you, Because it's very hard on not only the family but also the patient as well. So it was always a question for me Am I? going to go in there Is she going to remember me? And every single day she remembered who I was and I am super thankful for that and I will forever be grateful that our bond over the last two years grew so much that she remembered me. And on Friday we had a beautiful conversation and this was before they changed her meds. She told the medical assistant, this is my granddaughter, allison, and the fact that just a couple of days before she passed on, she remembered who I was And that, to me, is huge.
Speaker 1:Not only did she remember you, she was extremely proud of you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:She glowed about you to anybody that she saw, based off the time that you spent with her and the relationship that was forged, that was formed, that was strengthened. She remembered so many other people because it was really one of your duties just to continue to pull out photos and remind her of everybody.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:I mean for me, I've only been in her life for 10 years, right, And for a good portion of that. I didn't really get to see her all the time. So over the past couple of years I've been able to see her, but the fact that she remembered me every time is really a testament to how much time we spent with her, reminding her of everybody that she has in her life. You know, i mean she remembers my mom when my mom comes in, so that's extremely rare to have happen, you know. So it just goes to show that you were doing great work in keeping her present and mindful and giving her things to be grateful for and to think of. So you know, just another special thing that you guys were able to share. If you're listening to the episode, you can kind of tell the direction of the episode and you can, you know, understand that We're gonna be bouncing around here a little bit, because it's just emotions and stories as they happen and just being real and transparent about these things And from dealing with the loss of someone and processing that, the struggles of dealing with dementia. You know there's a lot to be had in this episode and we're gonna be kind of all over the place here. But to go back to the dementia conversation, i know there was some difficult times for you where she would forget that her husband had passed, you know, and you had to navigate through some of those, some of those conversations of you know whether they've separated. He's cheating on me, i don't know why, he's not here and having to deal with all those difficulties there of you know we're not professionals. What's the right way to handle that you? know, And I know in the beginning you really try to convince her every time of the reality. And then it gets to a point where it's like that's more or less causing more harm than good.
Speaker 2:So you just I mean It was more hurtful for her for that to be the outcome, because all she wanted to do was at that point when she realized that that's the reality. she just wanted to join him And she wasn't sick. So I just started getting to the point of when she would bring him up and say you know, he hasn't come to visit me. where is he? I would just say I don't know, i haven't seen him.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so then that would kind of just stop the conversation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, more redirected to something else.
Speaker 2:We'll go into a different topic And just yeah, redirection.
Speaker 1:I remember the first time that she had brought it up and you had to tell her that he had passed on. Difficult That was for you and how heartbreaking it was for the both of you.
Speaker 2:And you took that approach a few times and then realized this is too painful for both of us And because a couple of things happened, she either starts to want to join him, doesn't want to accept the reality of what's happened, you know, or it's almost like learning for the very first time all over again that you lost your best friend, That you lost your best friend Because they were married for 65 years, I think, And don't quote me on that, but I know when he was here they did celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary And I think maybe 55, maybe 60, I'm not 100% positive on that but they were together for a very, very long time, A lifetime you know, and to relive that heartbreak.
Speaker 1:You know it just became easier to dismiss it. The story of him not showing up was a lot easier than the story of him being gone. But it's just one of those battles that you deal with with someone with dementia, which is also more heartwarming in the fact that she did remember you every time And that you know she remembered stories about you and she was so proud to tell everybody about you. At all times She was welcoming to any of the guests that showed up And, you know, even if she forgot your name, she knew who you were and she would pick that up very quickly. So truly a blessing there that we never had to see her really struggle with that fear that people with dementia have. Where they don't know who you are, they start to feel threatened by you, the anger that comes from some of that. We experienced that with my brother. I'm counting a blessing here that we did not have to see her experience that you know, So one more blessing there that that didn't have to happen. Through all the good times that you guys have had over the past couple of years all the videos, you know the tick to hooks, all the things that you guys have done over the past few weeks things took kind of a turn. I know that maybe over the past month she got sick right, she dealt with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she aspirated and got pneumonia. Unfortunately, and that was probably about a month ago And so from over the last month she's been paddling. They had her on oxygen and they had her on fluids trying to keep her upright. So that you know she didn't aspirate again and it didn't get any worse, but unfortunately it just she wasn't strong enough. Over the last two months that's a short amount of time if you think about it Two short months she had COVID, she had the flu And then lastly had pneumonia. Unfortunately, she during that time didn't have a break in between. She didn't have the time to put her feet down, get strong and kind of battle the pneumonia. Would there have been any time in between? Would you be having a different podcast today? Very possible, but unfortunately it was her time and she was not strong enough. So yeah pneumonia is what?
Speaker 1:When she really started to kind of take a turn health-wise, there was a lot of alarm in your voice of like what's happening? And hearing them say we just want her to be comfortable. Those words. Scared the shit out of me, so you started having those conversations with us and I started to panic. Without wanting to bring it up, you just draw on your own experiences And you start thinking like this isn't good. And then, friday, i got a phone call from you and I knew then I could hear in your voice. And then, with what you were saying, when you came home and began to tell me what the conversation that you guys had, i knew it was a matter of days And that's when I knew that I need to make sure that I get to say goodbye as well. But you could hear it, i could hear it in your voice. And then the conversation, which is extremely difficult for me to ask you about that conversation.
Speaker 2:It's okay, i'm okay with it.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of peace from that conversation, so if you wouldn't mind sharing some of your last conversation.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So going back to the first phone call about the doctor saying that he was keeping her comfortable, that drew a red flag for me immediately. When you hear we're gonna keep her comfortable, those sort of things to me. I said to the doctor, well, not too comfortable, not too comfortable because I don't want that. And I said to him I'm not ready for that. And he just kind of chuckled And it was okay. It was okay, she was there, she was kind of coherent. But it was at that moment that I was like oh shit, like, oh shit, too comfortable. We are getting too comfortable, like she.
Speaker 1:I know they mentioned morphine right. Yeah, that's where I got, And whatever that happens to me, that's always a transitional drug for people that are sick, right.
Speaker 2:Yep, And morphine is. I have never had any good experience when it comes to morphine. My grandfather was on morphine before he died, Like those are. You know, we're going to keep him comfortable, we're going to give him morphine. And so I instantly started to panic. I said, well, not too comfortable. You know, just joking, because that's how me and I were. We were very. We didn't make light of the subject or we made light of the subject, no matter what the situation was.
Speaker 1:Right with humor generally.
Speaker 2:Correct, correct, even if it was, we were poking fun at ourselves, like that's what we did. And so that was Wednesday, and she wasn't doing any better And I said to you, i said I have to go back on Friday, i have to go, i'm concerned about how comfortable this doctor is going to make her. And to my surprise, i got there on Friday and there she was in bed And she, she looked, she looked good, she looked okay, except for the fact that every now and again she would have this scowl on her face. And I would ask her I mean, are you okay? And she would say, oh, i'm okay, i'm fine. I'd ask her are you in pain? Nope, i'm not in pain. And so you know, we would just have our normal conversations, work, that sort of thing, checking in on me as your husband, that sort of thing. And she opened up the can warm to tell me she kept saying at my age she said it about four or five times at my age, at my age, but wouldn't follow up with anything. And I said, my mate, at your age, what? We're about to celebrate your birthday, what do you mean at your age? What's going on? I'm holding her hand the entire time. And she said at my age, we just give up. There's nothing left to fight for. The doctors give up, we give up. I said, no, that's not true. That's not true. You're, you're going to get strong, you're going to celebrate your birthday. We're not, we're not going to talk about it. And then so we we got changed the subject and started talking about something else And she brought up the blue bird. And I said what about the blue bird? And she says keep me in your prayers. And I said my mate, i always keep you in my prayers, always, especially with everything that's going on. She said keep me in your prayers And I'll be sure to come back to you as a blue bird And we had talked about this before, when she wasn't sick. There's one in particular small blue bird around here, around Maine. It's a small blue bird and has a, has an orange chest on it. That's her favorite bird, favorite bird. And she, she said that she was going to come visit me as a blue bird. And I'll be fucking damn. That bird came to visit me as I was on my way home, after I found out that she had passed away. Damn blue bird. There it was. I told her that it's okay If it's. It's okay if, if she's ready. And she told me that she was at peace And that she was ready. She was ready, she was ready to join my pepe And that she couldn't fight anymore. Those words broke my heart And at that moment, right there, i died inside. But not once, not once, did I let her see me cry, because it's not fair to her. It was her time to go And she was ready. So it's selfish for me to let her see me in pain. So, with that being said, i turned my head and I looked out the window and she closed her eyes and held my hand also tight. I am at peace knowing that today, at 111, she passed away and she was okay, she was ready, she was not suffering. I think her mind was right. She was ready to join her husband.
Speaker 1:When I received that phone call from you and that message and the more time we spent on that conversation to me at that moment I knew in my heart it was a matter of days And I knew that I needed to be there And I was able to go and visit her on Saturday. I was able to return yesterday and my mother accompanied us. We met your brother, Zach, and his girl, Danielle. Pregnant us can be sharing that extended family right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And just allowing her to see that that family tree has continued to branch out and to try to say goodbye. It's funny, i think, that of your entire family, i think Mamay loved me the most 100 percent. There was no argument, there was no disagreement, there was no situation where she took your side.
Speaker 2:And she would always tell me that if I didn't treat you right, she was next in line, She would. God forbid something happens. You were already off the market.
Speaker 1:Every single time anything would come up, she would take my side. And also it was one of those things where it was like you better take care of him, you better not ever let him leave you, like she would be.
Speaker 2:Oh, she would be very honest about it. She's like you got yourself a good one. You better not let him go.
Speaker 1:I still remember it was a conversation much like that and you had said like well, I think he got pretty lucky too. And she was like no, no, no, She like shot me down, She shot me down. She shot me right down.
Speaker 2:Yeah no, she shot me right down. She's like mm-mm. No, ma'am.
Speaker 1:So, for whatever reason, she took a liking to me. It was important for me to be there. I wish I was there for the opportunity to have a conversation. You know, there comes a time when I think someone's transitioning and, as we already mentioned, when the doctors are making them comfortable, which they need to, you know, absolutely. It's so difficult for them in that time And I think the scariest thing for them is like struggling for air, as your body has a hard time to to breathe. They feel like they're suffocating And you know they did a great job explaining that to us that with with morphine, it actually controls a part of the brain that that that senses or triggers your fear of not having oxygen, your your fear of of not being able to catch your breath, that that morphine actually will apply to those senses. So you're not struggling for air, right, and that kind of allows you to be comfortable enough to to, to do, to make the transition. But it's tough because you want to have those conversations. I remember when my brother passed before they increased the morphine, i got a phone call at work that said, if you want to have a last conversation with him you, you've probably got an hour to get here.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I knew that that was taking place. It's always been my experience with these situations. But, above and beyond that, it was still important just just to be there and to know that they, that they hear you. And that's a difficult, a difficult decision for for everyone, right? I mean, if we remove ourselves from the situation and make this podcast about, about everyone, and you think that's a real difficult decision for someone, do I want to go see my loved one in this state? right, it's, it's a difficult decision. You know where you have to decide. Do I want to hold on to the memory of them being healthy Or do I want to always have the memory of how they appeared in their last days? Right, and then you battle the sense of but do I want to have the ability to say goodbye? Yeah, did they earn my respect? Did they earn me having to deal with that difficulty? Right, you know, i've always felt that, given the opportunity, if I'm allowed to say goodbye, i will say goodbye, because if you've made an impact on me, then it's just one weight that I should bear for you. If my last visual of you, my last memory of you, is one of your last days, it should be my duty to to carry that weight and to find a way to remember the positives. But pay you your respects, yeah, but I understand for other people if that's not the case, like I understand, it is a very difficult thing And in many situations, the thing that you can't get out of your head. You know, i know, when my grandfather passed the last maybe day or so, there's a sound that he made when he was fighting for oxygen, a gurgling that'll never go away. And when I heard your memory start to do that, i was thankful that they were able to make her comfortable, that she didn't have to suffer that way. But for the people that are listening that you've ever had to face that decision, or in the future, you know you're going to face that decision. I don't fault you either way for whatever it is that you decide. If I can give you any insight, i would say if they've earned your respect, if they've earned your love, then love them enough to pay your last respect. Now, if I try to draw a connection and find some similarities between my grandparents and yours, i was not fortunate enough to meet your Pepe, but I've heard from you his struggle and his way transitioning when he left this earth that he did not want to go. He wasn't ready to go, and I feel like that's why my grandfather struggled so much was. I don't think he was ready to go either for one common reason in both of them, when we talk about people that have been married for 60 plus years, there's one person right, there's one person that they love, that's their best friend, that's their soulmate, that's the only thing that they know, and they don't want to leave that person behind. So I think that both of our grandfathers struggled to move on because they did not want to leave Doris behind And I say that with common ground, because both of our grandmas are actually named Doris, as ironic as that is. So our grandfathers did not want to leave Doris behind until they fought until the very end. In turn. Doris and both of our lives was eager to move on, ready to move on. There's a couple things there, and I think this is where we start to draw some strength, and we think about, on Friday, that conversation that you had with her being at peace and her, you know, living her life, and that she was ready to go and she was ready to, ready to see Ray. That there's a couple things that we can. We can draw on. Number one she was ready, yep for sure. Number two, when I think about your MMA and my Nana moving on, they were so convinced on where they were going that none of this mattered, right? It's way more difficult on the rest of us, right? Both of those women are so steadfast and determined in their fate that this is all. This is all just paperwork, man. Yep, like, this is all just paperwork. I know where I'm going, i've served my time, i've been faithful, i've been loyal, i've done everything the right way. She was so convinced in her faith that this was a good thing for her. Right, like, that's where you draw the peace was because she is so at peace and so willing to go. And I know you said earlier that she wasn't strong enough to make it through, based off of how sick she was, and I will say that she was stronger than we think because she was strong enough to get to where she wanted to go And she did not want to fight anymore because she knew that her, her battle, it was done. It has been one. There's something so powerful about being around people that are so convinced in their faith that they're not afraid to die. They're not afraid of any of the consequences because they are convinced on their direction. I don't feel like that's as common in this day and age.
Speaker 2:Not at all.
Speaker 1:You know, you think about our grandparents and how they grew up and how they were raised and all the time they spent in the church there. It's been ingrained in them that this is just the way it's supposed to go. And I've been, i've been faithful and I've done this. And this is this is why And I prayed my ass off for my husband to get there, because he might have strayed from the pack a little bit, but I didn't I'm convinced as to where I'm going And it's it's, it's, it's powerful to see And I just I knew for you I've been continuing to try to echo this that she's had peace, she's happy, she's where she wants to be 100%, absolutely.
Speaker 2:She wanted nothing more than to be in the arms of her husband once again, and she had done her job here. She had touched so many lives and she had formed the memories and held everyone so close and loved everyone so unconditionally that her job here was done. And, uh, i truly believe that she came here on earth to touch so many lives and that's exactly what she did, and she lived a beautiful, long life. On June 25th in just a few weeks She would have been 87 years old, just 10 days after my birthday. On our anniversary, on our anniversary, which is also your grandparents.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Anniversary.
Speaker 1:So you know, in kind of ironic, we decided to get married on my grandparents' anniversary and on your Meme's birthday. Yep To uh. we figured, if you could meet two couples that spent 60 years in love and in marriage, i'm going to rub all the good luck on me I could possibly get So you know, we got as close to that as we could And if I can, think of one thing in particular, from both of both couples.
Speaker 2:Um, one thing that my Meme always used to tell me when I would ask her what is the, what is the secret is she would say to take care of him and to love him unconditionally. And I used to tell her that he is my best friend, you are my best friend, and she said that she once had that. And then your grandma used to tell me that, no matter what I have to say, to never say it to you, there's a mirror for a reason, and be sure to yell at that mirror and tell that mirror what you have to say, and for that, i think, great advice from both aspects. Yeah, i think, um, maybe you should lay off of me a little bit Listen what I say in my car or in that mirror when you're not on the phone is none of your damn business. Okay, none of your damn business.
Speaker 1:I just think that, um, it's extremely powerful to be in the presence of people that are so convicted in their faith, because if there's one thing that scares me in life is dying.
Speaker 2:For sure, 100%, i'm not ready for that shit.
Speaker 1:I'm definitely not. And you say that she came here with a mission to touch lives, to impact people, And I feel like we all come into this world with that mission. Too many of us don't take the mission serious, Too many of us derail the mission right. But for those of us that choose to put a positive impact on people, to to try to brighten people's days, to extend things in positive ways people that do that life is extremely fulfilling, And for me it was very fulfilling. And for 87 years she's been fulfilling her duties, right. She's been here, uh, living her life's purpose, And you really can't ask for anything better than that. You can only hope for that, And I'm fearful of not achieving that right Of of having uh your your card called sooner than than you want. So it's encouraging to be around people that aren't afraid of that, and she certainly was not afraid one bit. Not one bit at all. No, as we're on the subject of faith, i know it was important to you to make sure that uh Mehmet had a rosary in the room 100%. And, um, i was surprised when you came to me looking for certain certain rosaries.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, i knew that you had, um, some rosaries from your grandma, um, from when she had, um, she had so many rosaries And, uh, i knew that there was two in in your glove box of your truck And I asked if it was okay, if we could, if we could bring one to her, and you went right out into your truck and grabbed one for her, um, and we brought it with us on Sunday.
Speaker 1:And I know it was important for you, um that, like your, your thing to me was you know, i'm not sure how we go about this, but I I want to pray for her. I want this to happen. And, uh, while we were there for our last visit, we were fortunate enough to um be there for for two prayers. First off, her local church that that she, uh, you know grew up going to um the reverend from there came over and gave a father yeah, father, no, no he gave a amazing prayer and and uh, in speech to everybody, And then see a rock themselves um. Sent somebody in and uh, you know, and it was, it was powerful to be there for that. And there was one thing that, whatever that's happening, it's a it's it's powerful, right, and it's emotional. You know there's so much things run through your heart and mind. You know the the real sense of things being final happens, right, and the fact that both of them came in back to back and were rushing to be there. You knew that. You know there was a concern for them to make sure that they made it.
Speaker 2:Which also put a red flag up, just like we were talking about the other day or with the couple of days ago where the doctor said we're going to keep her comfortable. Um, one of the priests said we rushed right over here, which a previous conversation. that day I was told hospice gave her a week And then I was told that same day they gave her a couple of days based on a really bad night that she had the night before. So for the for the father to come in and say I rushed right over here, that alone just just hit me. I got this really upset stomach. I so much of it just just hit me the wrong way. But at the same time, when Father Neto was was praying over Meme and was blessing her and telling her that it was okay and that her job was done here, i couldn't help but hold the tears back because I had the conversation with you that I didn't know how to do that for her but I wanted to do that for her because her faith means so much to her. She has this beautiful, bright rosary bracelet on and um and she wore that every single day, every single day and any chance that she could go to church at Seal Rock, because they offered that she would be there, she would be dressed dressed to the nine and she would be ready to go because that her faith means so much to her. So to be able to be a part of that final prayer for her meant so much to me. It just took me back to the Sundays that we would go to church together and then we would go over to, uh, all day breakfast. Right after every Sunday Those were or if we didn't go to all day breakfast, we went back to Meme's house and she made crepes.
Speaker 1:Or the dry dock. Right, Oh, you're right.
Speaker 2:You're right, but those were like the three those were. you know we would switch it up every now and again, but but Meme would would make her crepes and they were very, very thin pancakes.
Speaker 1:Very thin pancakes. Before I want to touch on the, the, what happened in that room, what was said, but I also want to just interject to something real quick, because you said your ritual of going out to to breakfast and it brings back a small town atmosphere and scenario that happens. That doesn't happen everywhere And it's mind blowing to me that your grandparents used to go to all day breakfast and their favorite waiter is one of my best friends in the world, jeff foreign, who provides truckers the gut truckers who provides the soundtrack for the podcast Yep, and they would always wait for him.
Speaker 2:They would wait for him? Yep, they would. They didn't care if it was 10 minutes a half an hour. If they knew that they could set in Jeff's section, they would wait.
Speaker 1:So I know, when you started posting things about Meme, jeff was one of the first to reach out and then he reached out to me as well to check on her and you. And it just shows that small town world and the fact that, like as you said, meme was here to touch so many people And the fact that that's one more connection and one more layer to us is, is, is is crazy to me, but I want to go back to you What was said in that room and the fact that it's powerful, it's emotional, it brings a Final feeling to things, but it also brings a positive feeling to things as You learn that she's not alone, right, and you and you hear all these things and these positive words. There's something That is so emotional but so peaceful in hearing that. And the second gentleman that came in I don't remember his name- I didn't catch his name but when he was, when he was chatting, just he went over to Meme and was praying and then he was having conversations and he was going around the room asking you know who was who? and you know when you were saying that this is, this is her grandson, i'm her granddaughter, and right there, when he looked at you, do you know what he said?
Speaker 2:I, I don't.
Speaker 1:He said one thing that stuck out to me and broke me without question, before you can finish speaking. He looked at you and he said you're her legacy. And he talked about how many lives she's touched, but he looked at you and said you're her legacy And she's going to live on in you. That memories going to him, that connection and that bond is always going to be there And it's always going to carry on. And, man, when I heard that it just just got a rope, because it was absolutely real, right And you know, something had to be here for him to choose those words and to be so convicted of what he said, and all of this and all that's happened has really formed some things in me. And I want to ask that of you, because Religion is it for everybody, right, and that's okay. And this podcast, this episode I'm not here Beating a Bible and encouraging everybody to start reading. I'm not here to, you know, say you must believe in Jesus. I'm not, that's not what I'm here to do, but I am here to say that There's times of life where You need something. You need something, someone, some notion to hold on to you. I've been on this journey to find my faith over the past few years. Over the past weekend, there's been times where, like you've seen me, straight up, breakdown and start balling over a sock. You know my big jelly roll fan and I've been sharing with you This week some stories from jelly roll and some songs that have just that have just broke me, and we watch this documentary What the lights off we both sat here and cried the entire time we balled our eyes out, and That's a subject for another day and I'm sure I'm gonna. I'm gonna bring that up. But It's one of those things where I'm not here to Tell everybody you know what to believe and how to believe, and I'm not here to educate anybody that does believe on the proper way to believe, because that's not me and I don't really necessarily know what that is. But I Want to say to you that over the past week I've really seen you cling to a faith and I've seen you Embrace certain things and I've seen you be encouraged by Memes faith and the fact that She's not afraid and that she's comfortable and that she was eager and excited. And I Just want to know if this past experience with me really has You curious about your faith and exploring Different things in your mind.
Speaker 2:I'm definitely open to it. Just like you don't know how to, where to start. I have never Known where to start myself, unfortunately. I was just kind of tagged along to church, you know, and then Just had the opportunity recently to to share Memories and moments and stuff with memory with mem a That I've really just opened up, opened up my heart. You may have not I mean you definitely don't know this but since, well, all day Monday and all day today at work, i have been listening to You worship music at my work on my computer, just listening to what they have to say and Just really feeling what they have to say, like in my soul, and I feel like it brings me pretty close, pretty close to memory. I Have a really beautiful connection with me. We're more on a spiritual side And our bond is is so unbreakable that when we went to go say our goodbyes on Monday yesterday, i can tell you from the bottom of my heart that her soul was not there in that room. Her body was. I truly believe That she was searching. She was searching for her way home, but she wasn't ready yet. There was a few last thing, last minute things that she had to do here Because she was so at peace, not a scowl on her face when she was laying in that room.
Speaker 1:That's, that's true. I mean she was, she was definitely at peace and, and you know, i think she Wanted to have some last minute conversations with some people and to see some, see some people like it was important to, you know, be able to see and be around family. So I was thankful everybody that got to spend that time, you know, and to Make a last memory and to share their love. You know, i know that Lisa was able to go.
Speaker 2:I'm so thankful for that, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I know her daughters never left her side taking rotations, sleeping there. So many people poured in there to see her and I'm thankful for that, that she was able to know how loved that she was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm thankful that the doctor had the ability to keep her comfortable enough for those people to make those rotations. And I remember father Nedo came in and at the end of it he He mentioned That it takes three muscles to listen. Yeah and he said it takes so many more for you to speak. So he heard. He mentioned to us that she heard the entire prayer and she heard Everything that he had to say, and I believe that I do believe that, and I think that that alone Helped her make her decision today.
Speaker 1:I think it was fitting. It was great that he'd point that. Pointed that out to let us know like She's in here See she hears you, so that people that wanted to say goodbye, that were there to tell her that You know that they loved her and to thank her. She was hearing all that and she was fueling up on gratitude for the journey, you know, and and and counting those blessings and getting getting ready for the, for the journey. So, so grateful for her that she had the opportunity to be Visited by so many people that she's cared about that she loves. Thankful that You had the opportunity over these past couple years. I'm thankful that we all had the opportunity and You know, even on her way out the door, we were learning lessons, because I was learning lessons about what it means to not be afraid of things, to be so confident in yourself and your faith that that you don't have fear. And in the world that we live in, with all the shit around us, all the things, to be fearful for all the threats that are around us, the craziness in this world, to see somebody at peace, that's confident, that's unafraid, is an inspiration to search for those things for for myself and I hope it is for for everybody else.
Speaker 2:She taught me How strong I truly am. I've been through some shit. I have been through the ringer In the words of Lainey Wilson. I've been to hell and back and The strength that I poured poured out To be sure that she knew how strong I was. I Didn't know. I had it in me. I didn't I Mean. I know I'm a pretty strong person for all the things that I've overcome, but this last couple of days has really put me in and the fact that I'm okay with it. I'm hurt but I'm okay, i'm comfortable, as She was. I'm at peace, like she was.
Speaker 1:I Think I don't know where I learned the lesson or where it was shared to me all along the way, but One thing that I said to you that is the only thing I could cling on to you when, like when, my grandmother moved on was that When someone is so Convinced it's their time, when someone is so at peace with moving on, they've lived a full life, a complete life. When someone is that ready and Excited to move on, it's selfish for us to feel bad about right when They're so steadfast, determined and committed to what is happening and beyond okay with it. It's selfish for us to hold them here any longer. It's selfish for us to Feel bad for them because they're not there. They're celebrating right now and they celebrated this whole journey. So, as Hard as that is to think about, it gives me strength, moving on, to say no, no, i'm not here to Feel bad about this, because that would be selfish, because Two people, two connected souls, best friends, dedicated, loyal relationship back together again. She's with her sister, she's with her parents, she's reunited, reconnected. It's selfish of us to feel bad about what has happened and That's the only way, in those situations, that I can gather the strength to move on and to not feel sorry for myself. It's okay. It's okay to mourn. I'm not saying to anybody that you don't mourn, that you can't mourn, but You gotta have a moment of clarity where you say I'm being selfish right now. This is exactly what they wanted. Mm-hmm and You know, i feel like I try to put myself in in their shoes and to be like if memory was up at heaven looking down at you right now. Say why, why are you still crying? So those are the things that I kind of Cling on to in those in those moments. You know, when we Started this show today or when we plan on having this show today, this isn't necessarily the direction for today. Right, we we're gonna talk about some memories and some struggles that you know You face with some more dementia, or when someone's you know facing the end and having those conversations that all change today. When you got a phone call at 111 this afternoon, Yep, i was at work.
Speaker 2:Um, my own Charlene called me And I saw our number come up And I knew it wasn't to tell me. But she was fine, she was going to be great. Um, i have such a spiritual connection with my memory That I knew she was gone. I knew that before I had even answered the phone, because I had texted you just after lunch And this was probably 20 minutes before I got the phone call that I had a pounding headache and I felt like I was going to throw up. I knew, i knew right then and there, that it was happening. I got a picture from you, um, laying down looking like you.
Speaker 1:You know, we're feeling like absolute hell. And then, right after I got that phone call, you know, and then on your way home today a bluebird comes out and right in front of me on my road. I was almost home.
Speaker 2:And there she was to let me know that she was safe. She was safe, she was free before I even turned on my car. I texted my aunt after she we had hung up the phone and she had told me that Mime had taken her last breath. I looked at the clock and it was one 11. That's an angel number And if you look it up, it means to be one with the universe. That alone meant to me that she was safe. She had gotten where she wanted to be. I texted my aunt and I said please, do me one favor This is going to sound silly, but please, for the love of God, open that window and let her soul free. She responded to me with I've already beat you to it. And that, to me, means so much Because that's all she wanted. She just wanted to be free, free of her pain, free of all the worries here, free of anything that she was going to leave behind. She wanted to spread her wings and be with her husband. But I knew. I knew that she was going to be free. I knew, i knew at one 11 today, when that phone came up and it said my aunt's name, i knew it was. I knew it was it. I didn't even need to answer the phone.
Speaker 1:As soon as you called and I heard your voice, i knew that that was what had happened. as difficult as it is, you're also thankful.
Speaker 2:Very thankful.
Speaker 1:You did not want to see her fight any longer. You know you don't want to see her suffer. She was eager to go, She was ready to go And this, this was the plan. all along, right.
Speaker 2:This was her plan. This was her plan for sure.
Speaker 1:You know, today's been an extremely emotional conversation. If anybody listening could take for a moment and put it in perspective that just a few hours ago you received this phone call. Here you are now with a microphone in your face, sharing your raw, real time response, your emotions, to what's happening. I think that there's a lot of compassion out there listening today. There's a lot of people that probably cried today, a lot of people that are that feel for you, that hurt for you. They probably drew a connection to their own experiences. There's also a lot of people that learned about Doris Robita today. There's a lot of great things that came from today. much like the past few years, all the great memories that have happened, all the lessons that she has taught you. I can think of so many things, even think about how much closer you are to your aunts because of this past couple of years. Right, The connections with family, the opportunity for us to spend time with Zack and Danny, with her, like my connection my parents have with her. I just think about all those things And I really want to end today thinking about some positive memories. And for me, I think about the first time we as a family when I say, like my parents, we invited your family over, I remember having a barbecue and a bonfire on the lawn And I remember Meme coming across the lawn and hanging out by the fire and how much fun she had, how much she enjoyed herself. Your dad took to her like white on rice.
Speaker 2:Oh, he loved Meme. They've always been connected, the way she, the way both of our families welcomed each other.
Speaker 1:The way that she welcomed them and the way that they were welcomed them and the way that they welcomed her was just heartwarming for me And I'll always think about that day on the lawn And I'll always think about you and her on our wedding day, on her birthday, our wedding day, her glowing, how happy she was.
Speaker 2:It's one of my favorite pictures. I remember her She just looks like an angel in her white suit.
Speaker 1:Her sitting there holding court, everybody going over to see her and her glory, and you know those are the things that I'm going to think about today, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you for the strength you have and how you've handled all this, the strength you've shown in recording this and sharing your message. I know how difficult it is to share that story. It's been difficult for me to be on this side of the table, so I know what it's like for you, or I can imagine what it's like, but I want you to know that there's a great deal of positive that came from you sharing this today, because there's other people out there, all across this country, struggling with things, and knowing that you had the strength to share those things might inspire them to do the same, for them to share things, to get things off their chest, to look at life in a different way. Because you have every reason to hide yourself today. You have every reason to feel sorry for yourself today. You have every reason to just lock yourself up and not live today, and you chose to do the complete opposite and that's to share your story, and I know in doing so will help others and it honors the memory of your memory and it strengthens the legacy of both of you. So I love you and I'm proud of you. I love you too And, if I can share, anything or help anyone today.
Speaker 2:That's my goal, because that's what Meme would have done. She would have shared her moments and and hope that someone could grow from it. So if I can leave you with any word of advice, it's hold your loved ones close, because tomorrow's not promised to anyone. And if you get called to a barbecue to go color with your love, you to go color with your grandma, please, please, just go do it. Just go do it, because I would love to just color with my Meme and bring her a slushie just one more time, but unfortunately that's not going to happen. So from here on out, anytime I do something that her and I would have done together, it'll be for her, and my goal from here on out is to fill her shoes and carry our legacy on, because, according to the pastor, that's what I am His daughter Obita's legacy, and I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Speaker 1:Even though she was tiny.
Speaker 2:She was a little, her little white crocs.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:She loves those darn things.
Speaker 1:She's called that for a reason.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:Well, i want to say thank you for it, for today, and for sharing your story, and to everybody else out there listening, i want to say thank you for sticking along with us and I hope you get something powerful from today, cause it certainly was for us And I want to say thank you for supporting Robita's American dream.
Speaker 2:Now go watch your fucking heads. Can't feel these savage.
Speaker 1:That's it And that's all biggie smiles. If you found value in today's show, please return the favor and leave a positive review. Share it with someone that is important to you. Hit, subscribe and help us grow our tribe. Are you interested in sponsoring the show? Maybe you're looking to be a guest on the show? Find all that you need to know about the show at sharethestrucklepodcastcom. Subscribe to grow our tribe on Apple podcast, spotify, google podcast, amazon music, iheart radio and all other major platforms, and don't forget to like and share our official Facebook page at sharethestrucklepodcast. If you're a loud, proud American and you find yourself just wanting more, you can find me on YouTube, on Facebook or the face page, as my mama calls it. Just search loud, proud American. If you're a fan of the Graham cracker, the Instagram or the tickety talk but the kids be a tickety talking, the tick tock you can search loud, underscore, proud, underscore America. If you want to join the 2% of Americans that support American manufacturing, head on over to wwwloudproudamericanshop and get your hands on some of that made in USA apparel and join the mission mission 2%. Together, we can bring back American manufacturing. A big old thank you to the boys from the gut truckers for the background beats and the theme song to share the struggle podcast. You can find the gut truckers on Facebook. The gut truckers on Facebook. Just search gut truckers and show your support to those mother truckers. I truly thank you for supporting my American dream. Now go wash your fucking hands, your filthy savage.
