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Life has a way of testing us, pushing us to the brink, and forcing us to confront our deepest fears. Those were the lessons that echoed through every moment of the most emotionally and mentally draining week of my life. With my father's health hanging in the balance, we faced the potential of a cancer diagnosis, the same disease that cruelly took my brother away from us. But in the midst of fear and uncertainty, we found strength, hope, and the power of kindness from unexpected sources.
During this tumultuous time, we experienced moments of profound gratitude, like when a bag of food and a kind note magically appeared under our mailbox, from our dear friend Manda, Chris Woodcock showed up with a tow truck full of hay, or when Mike and Amanda Packard unloaded two lawn mowers and mowed our lawn. Our community rallied around us, proving that love and support are crucial survival tools in the face of adversity. We also discovered the importance of recognizing signs of hope that the universe presents to us, like the giant dreamcatcher we found at the Freiburg Fair, acting as a beacon of strength and promise.
This week taught us that it's okay to ask for help, that it's not a sign of weakness but rather a testament to our shared humanity. At the core of our struggle was a choice - to simply endure or to grow through it. We chose to grow, to learn, and to share our journey, with the hope of helping others facing similar battles. Our story is a reflection on resilience, humility, and the transformative power of love and kindness. Join us as we navigate these rough waters, find solace in the support of those around us, and draw strength from the powerful, yet subtle signs of hope around us.
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I just survived one of the most mentally and emotionally draining weeks of my life. These challenging times taught me some painful and valuable lessons. Number one survival is impossible without love and support. Two be open to signs of hope from the universe. Three be willing to ask for and accept help. And four how you treat people when times are good will be returned to you when times are tough. All that and more on today's episode of Share the Struggle podcast. Let me tell you something Everybody struggles. The difference is some people choose to go through it and some choose to grow through it. The choice is completely yours. Which one you choose will have a very profound effect on the way you live your life. If you find strength in the struggle, then this podcast is for you. You have a relationship that is comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. Uncomfortable conversations challenge you, humble you and they build you. When you sprinkle a little time and distance on it, it all makes sense. Disagreements they stem from our own insecurities. You are right where you need to be. That's all the time. We need to fight for this. The whole day gone from in my mind Too fast, in my way, too too, too. What it do, what it do. Episode 172. And damn, am I excited to be back with you, and I'm also excited to be joined by you.
Speaker 2:Poo me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you.
Speaker 2:Guys, nothing to be excited about, it's just me.
Speaker 1:Well, I think that's pretty exciting and I think it's also pretty necessary, because I don't think I can do this whole episode without you. I am, how do the kids say it? I don't even know what kids say, so I don't know why I said that. What other kids even say today? How do you say?
Speaker 2:Let's check the Google.
Speaker 1:I'm smoked over here Like I got no brain cells left. I just feel like it's hard to form sentences. You know what I mean. It's hard to put one foot in front of the other and figure it out, you know. Okay, yeah, it makes sense, I'm glad you're here because I don't really know where to go. I do have a list of a couple of things I wanted to kind of talk about and put out there and maybe just bring everybody up to speed as to what's been going on, but I'm going to need some help getting through it and getting there, because I just can't even keep myself on track. I can't stay on the task. Everything, it feels like all my mental and emotional capacity has been abused up.
Speaker 2:I did have one requirement, though two actually. I said I would do the podcast under two conditions. Number one what was it?
Speaker 1:I'll let you do it.
Speaker 2:Actually.
Speaker 1:Yeah, one was wrapped with a subliminal message. For number two, it was more like it.
Speaker 2:It was, you will not make me cry in my Chipotle. And then I get a message that says what's the second one? And I said per my last email yeah, chipotle, chipotle.
Speaker 1:We had Chipotle. I ate too much of it and I promised that she wouldn't cry in any of it. Thankfully, we ate it. Before we started recording this is true, I love Chipotle.
Speaker 2:I am a hooker for some Chipotle.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, the difference is that I think a hooker would do something for the Chipotle. That hasn't happened yet. This is true, putting it out there.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:But I mean.
Speaker 2:We're just trying to lighten the load.
Speaker 1:Exactly. That's exactly the reason for it. So anyways, ma'am, let's get back on track here. I'm going to try to. It's going to take both of us to keep ourselves rained in and on the railroad tracks today, because I'm definitely lost. All right, I'm definitely lost, so I'm going to need your help, and normally you're more of a flight risk than I am over there. So I'm lying on you over there with the crazy lazy look in your eyes.
Speaker 2:So straighten it up, bucky, I'm going to need you over there, I'm like a bouncy ball set free, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's pretty much exactly how it is.
Speaker 2:Undiagnosed ADHD at its finest.
Speaker 1:I'll diagnose it for you if you'd like. Oh, thank you. So episode 172. And we got some updates for you.
Speaker 2:How do you do yeah?
Speaker 1:that's right. How do you do episode 172? We got updates for you For the past. I think it's our third week where we've really, unfortunately, been monitoring my dad's health and sharing those stories with everybody. But you know the name of the podcast is Share, the Struggle podcast, and this is, without a doubt, our biggest struggle in life right now and one of the biggest ones that we've ever had as a duo over here as a tag team. You know this is a lot to take on and I'm going to try to share some of those things. And I know last week we had a few cliffhangers where I mentioned science from the universe that I wanted to kind of put out there and some feel good things that happened at the Freiburg Fair and I got a feeling I'm not going to get to those feel good scenarios, but we're going to try to find time to squeeze this into as much positivity as we possibly can. But last week, when we were recording episode 171, I actually got the text message from my mom that my dad was moving to Portland and that was emotional and exciting and, you know, and difficult all at the same time. Right, it's that whirlwind of emotions because we've been waiting for him to get transferred, we've been waiting for his kidney function to get to a point where he could handle the testing. But we've been made to believe that as soon as he arrived in Portland would start that testing process and then we would basically go right into surgery and we resolve his heart blockage or whatever it is that might be happening and then he would be going into recovery and coming home. That's been the plan this entire time but unfortunately that's not really the plan. The plan didn't go as according to plan. I guess I should say that sound right to you over there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that makes sense. The plan went a little unplanned right. Yeah, your dad had other plans.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Other agendas.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So, I'm going to try to just maybe go through this in a chronological order here, and then we can try to kind of fill all the sins. So follow along with me as this goes. But I mentioned last week that we wanted to talk about signs and some of those things. So we've had a few signs that have come up along the way, and one of them in particular was when we were at the Freiburg Fair that Sunday evening, actually after the fair was over, when you and I went down to the fairgrounds and started the pack up which is not something we normally do. We usually wait until the next day we went back down there and we just had to rush to get home and we were just packing heathens, trying to get everything taken care of, and I think it was at the very end, right when we were getting ready to take off, or was it, I don't even know.
Speaker 2:I don't know what time it was. It was right after dinner when we brought the truck down.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we were just getting into it and you found and located something Want to share with the people, what that is.
Speaker 2:Sure, I found an epic brown score. Which Brown score? Yeah, that's the best he calls them. If you find something on the fairgrounds that was set out to the trash or something of that nature, it's called a brown score. Why brown? Because it's the trash, the rubbish, the poop, that kind of thing. Best he calls them the brown scores, or a brown find, or Okay.
Speaker 1:It wasn't a ground score or a ground find. No, brown.
Speaker 2:I even clarified I was like brown likes the color and he was like yes, I was like okay, because I did the same thing. I was like ground score would make complete sense to me, but this is bestie, not me. I call it a ground score, whatever.
Speaker 1:Okay, fair enough.
Speaker 2:So I parked the truck and I parked it right next to the trash can, which, at the end of the fairs, I love. I am Hmm, let's just say I'm balling on a budget and I love to go checking.
Speaker 1:Free stuff, anything free stuff, Free stuff. I love to check it. Whether you need it or not doesn't really matter.
Speaker 2:I never know, but at the end of the fairs lots of things get kind of tossed out because maybe it got damaged, maybe they didn't want to pack it up, maybe they didn't have room in their vehicle. It just happens. So right next to the trash can was this ginormous dream catcher and I had seen someone over by the rubbish kind of looking at it holding it up, and I had seen it as we were pulling up and I was like, oh my God, who on God's great on earth would put that in the trash can? And I saw these people have it and I was like one of my male business, one of my male business. And I watched them walk over, do a sign and hang it up and then walk away and I was like, oh my God, how dare you. How dare you? I mean, thankfully they picked it up. It was this ginormous, beautiful dream catcher, beautiful feathers hanging off the bottom of it and a giant bald eagle spread. Bald eagle.
Speaker 1:Majestically soaring through the wind, which I mean. I think doesn't take much to find the American connection here.
Speaker 2:For us Hello.
Speaker 1:It was certainly a symbol.
Speaker 2:The thing on yeah.
Speaker 1:So you snagged that sucker out of the old trash pile.
Speaker 2:I was discreet about it, but I tipped over to the sign and I grabbed it and I threw it on the front seat and then you had to go get something out of the front seat and he was like hey watch this? Yeah Well, I was also, it's mine.
Speaker 1:I also said hey, what's this? When I came home and it was on the wall in the bathroom so that's been relocated, it's found a nice new home being rehabilitated. This said dream catcher eagle. So we took that as a sign. And when you're weak, when you're vulnerable, when you're looking for signs of hope and strength, sometimes these things come to you and you. If you don't take them in as a positive sign, then it'll you'll just get dismissed right Like you have to absorb it as as what it is.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, sometimes, if you do not accept the signs, sometimes your spiritual guides might just throw it at you or run into you with it If you just keep dismissing the signs long enough, and if they are trying to tell you a message. Sometimes they'll try, try and try again.
Speaker 1:I'm going to take it as a surefire, you know, message and a sign.
Speaker 2:Absolutely and.
Speaker 1:I hope, I hope and encourage everybody else to do the same. When you're in these difficult times, whatever it, whatever it is, when you get something out of the norm and you can draw the connection to it and find the parallel, then use that as a source of strength and and be sure to acknowledge it, thank, and you don't have to say anything out loud, but you can like in your head like I see you, thank you, I needed that.
Speaker 2:That sort of thing, like anytime. Like I find myself in like a tough situation, maybe it's just a stressful day or something. Maybe I'll see a blue, j or red cardinal, which is, you know, my papa and and my mom, and so I acknowledge it, I say, you know, thank you so much, I needed that. And then and then I just and I go about my day and that's you know. But it does it like almost gives me like a sigh of relief, like okay, all right, thank you.
Speaker 1:I like I've regrouped myself, I like reset, like yeah, Thanks for watching now, and it's like it has to be a sign, because for what other way or reason would there be a American friggin bald eagle dream catcher in a trash pile outside of your vendor display.
Speaker 2:Because there was nobody around us, that had nothing there, no, there was there had to be like purposely relocated. You know what I?
Speaker 1:mean Like it's, it's a. It's not like we were set up next to a business that sold dream catchers all week. I didn't even see this.
Speaker 2:No, I did not even see a booth with dream catchers at all, so I'm not really sure and like specialty foods is in front of us, yeah, and then like an agricultural building, like yeah, and like an energy row kind of thing. So there's nothing around us.
Speaker 1:You have to chalk that up, you have to count that and you know, and I think you're doing yourself a disservice in life if you don't really you know accept those things as a sign, and we took that as a sign that everything was going to be okay. And then we had the time to get home and to make things right, and that's what we did, you know, and when we got home and my you know, when we rolled into, my dad was doing great. Then you come home and have the dream catcher there to greet you. You just feel like, okay, this, this was meant to be, this was a sign, this all makes sense, and that's one of the signs I want to notify for this episode on this week. I'm going to kind of hit the rest in a bit of a chronological order here, so I just want to make sure we went back and and just check the base on that particular one. So we get to Portland and you know, I would say, in the beginning my dad was really excited because, you know, he feels like it's I don't know things are actually happening. It's been a lot of hurry up and wait and now we're at a point where you know he thinks things are going to happen, it's going to get the test, he's going to get the procedure and then he's going to go home. So you know, the first day he was really really excited about things and you got to forgive me because I'm going to lose track of time and days, but I'm going to say that my dad had, let's say, one really good day and then he'd have one really bad day and on one of those bad days, man, one of those bad days, he just wasn't himself. He was almost acting. The way he was acting towards you when you had him in the hospital, when you're trying to get him to stay there, he was just saying, saying outlandish, crazy things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just belligerent actions.
Speaker 1:You know, and just snapping on everybody and giving us all a hard time. And I had a real hard time spending the day there because it was just it was just difficult he would. He was acting really childish and crying and screaming and looking for attention and and I was having a really hard time processing that and handling that. And on the ride home, talking to my mom like some of the things was like okay, first and foremost, when I was a kid, I was never allowed to act like that, ever. My old man would never let me act that way, even if we, if the family, saved money to go on this trip that we really wanted to be on. When I say trip when I was a kid, it was like a camp trip right, it was not like we went somewhere crazy, but if we were like you know, if you're going to camp and everything set up and there's people there, whatever, if I was acting that way, my dad would literally pack the fucking camper up and go home. So the fact that to see him act that way was is is mind blowing to me. And then when the person in your life that's always been one of the strongest in your life to see them weak is a really difficult thing to process and I was just having an extremely difficult time, you know, seeing my old man get old in front of me, you know, and it was just just crazy. Just crazy Because you can see him, you know, losing strength and size and aging, but to be pleading for help and acting childish and stuff the way he was. It was so demoralizing for me because all I could think about is this hero, this role model, the strongest, toughest, baddest guy I've ever known acting. So what a character it was. It was extremely hard, extremely hard, and I left there pretty, pretty emotionally spent. I told you that man, I was probably in there for an hour or so and I texted to do him. I was like I don't, I don't know, I don't know if I can keep being here. You know, it was just. It was just that tough. And I want to say I don't know if it was that day or one of the good days. Me and my mom were driving home and I might have been a decent day, because my dad has this tendency of kicking us out, you know when he's like having a good day and you need to do something. You need to get out of here and do something and I can't remember. My dates and days are all confused. So you know, I don't. I don't want to. They're all going to kind of blend in for me. But I'm going to kind of address another sign here and an crazy occurrence that happened, and that's that over the course of time of my old man being in the hospital, somewhere between him getting admitted when you were there and us coming home from the fair, I actually received a message. On one of those difficult days I got a message from my brother, david, who passed away 11 years ago. My brother's ex-wife sent me a message. So I'm not going to dig deep into the history here because that's a whole other story and episode, but you can go back and listen to those episodes that I recorded about my brother and the family dynamic and how I lost my brother to cancer and all the things that went into that and the fact that my so-called family chose his ex-wife over me and my mom and my dad tried to force us out of the family, out of the situation. It was extremely traumatic and we were able to. I sent a letter to the family, you know, saying like I know how you feel about me and my mother, but you shouldn't be keeping you know my dad from his son, you know. So it was this big, dramatic situation and we were allowed to come back and be my brother's life before he passed, and I encourage you to listen to those episodes if you already haven't, to kind of understand how far out of left field this message has come from. So I don't even recall his ex-wife being at the service. She probably was. I know she didn't stay for anything after. If that's the case, and I think you were here when we ordered pizza one time, right, we were working on the horse barn. We just got it and we ordered like Domino's delivery and she showed up and dropped it off and was shaking and I was like what's going on?
Speaker 2:I wasn't even in the area. Yeah, she was nervous, I was backy and I went out with your mom and she handed me the pizza and was like like she had, like fucking, a tremor of some sort and I was like, so I'm like looking behind me, is there a ghost behind me? Like what happened? And your mom was like the look on your mom's face was like she saw a ghost. And then this woman was shaking Like she had seen a ghost and I was like is there something on my?
Speaker 1:face. You're the only one that has no clue what's happening. I'm over there swimming in a hamper like what's happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I'm in some sort of like awkward situation here and I don't know like what to do with it.
Speaker 1:So that's the last time that I've seen Becky. There's been no communication, there's no Facebook friend connection, there's no, nothing right. And I got a random message request from my brother's ex-wife, becky, saying something to the fact of hey, I'm moving south and I've been holding onto some of your brother's belongings and I wanna know if you want them. Which this is? It could not be anymore from left field and more of a sign. This is the woman that was shaking, delivering a pizza, that couldn't handle being on our driveway, that had gone years from my brother dying to then delivering a pizza, and then it's been a couple of years since then. Right, at least.
Speaker 2:Yeah, at least.
Speaker 1:And with no communication no, nothing whatsoever, no attempt at any communication to all of a sudden the week, my dad's in the hospital to send me a message and say, hey, I'm gonna be moving and I have some of your brother's stuff that's been in storage. Would you like to have it? To dig that onion a little bit deeper, to peel that a little bit more? I don't have anything for my brother when he passed away. The only thing that I have is the cross that I brought to him that he was wearing, that was taken off of him after he's passed, and the tattoo of him that in his thumbprint. Right, that's all I have. I didn't get any of his belongings. That's a whole other story in another episode. So the fact that we were able to get anything that was my brother's was pretty remarkable, right, and it's one of those things where it's so surprising that it's coming to you and then it's coming to you at this time. And then it was one of those days where we left the hospital in Portland and I said to my mom, like I'm gonna take you on a mission.
Speaker 2:It's not something that either one of us really wanna do. Before that I was gonna go pick it up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you were gonna go.
Speaker 2:And it's a damn good thing that I didn't, because when you got there, the amount of stuff was so overwhelming so thankfully.
Speaker 1:I mean we're all thankful for all the stuff that you know, you have another chance to really sort through it, but yeah, and I'm gonna say this like it's not, like it's great things in there, right?
Speaker 2:No but.
Speaker 1:And a lot of. It is rather surprising that she held onto it. But there's some things that I know my parents will appreciate. You know a couple of like end table scenarios and my brother, like some of the last things he refinished and worked on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're already in their dads' room.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and a bunch of tools and stuff, yeah so like a hat that he used to wear a lot, that you know there's some small things that are gonna mean something to my dad. And then the fact that, like, when my dad comes home and he's feeling healthy enough and he goes into his little workshop, he's gonna have piles of tools and stuff from his son to go through that he hasn't seen in 10 years, you know. So we were able to fill the bed of our truck up, but I remember that conversation with my mom on the way there saying, listen, we might encounter somebody that you don't wanna talk to, you might get involved in something that you really don't wanna be involved in, and our emotions are high and our ability to cope is rather low right now. But this is the timing, this is the place, this is how it's gonna have to go, thankfully for all of us. You know, we didn't have to see Becky, which I'm not holding anything against her, right. I'm thankful that she reached out to us, but it's just when you're dealing with all these emotions, you know, it's a lot easier to not involve, like the ex-wife, right. So I'm thankful and I'm so blessed and appreciative that she actually reached out to me and not the other deadbeats in the family that don't associate with me. So I think it was nice for her to realize, hey, those guys really got fucking shattered and all this. I'm gonna reach out and see. So I got a truckload of stuff of my brother that randomly came to me from his ex-wife that we haven't spoken to. So if that's not some kind of universe, if that's not the message from my brother, then I don't know what is you know, and that's just one more thing for my old man to look forward to. So I thought that was pretty crazy, didn't you?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:So, with that said, you know we have all that stuff at home when you go back to the hospital. And as I'm kind of reliving my past week here because I was just telling you guys that this is one of the most mentally and emotionally draining weeks I've ever had so we're gonna kind of ride the tiger and ride the waves here a little bit. We go to must have been Friday, right, all three of us went to the hospital.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had the day off on Friday because we had wedding rehearsal. We had wedding rehearsal right.
Speaker 1:So we go to Made Med on Friday and it's the three of us and Because he's in regular care. Right.
Speaker 2:As you said in your previous, he was in the ICU in Bitterford but he was transferred to regular care. So the nice thing was is, once he was at Made Med we all could go into the room where, unfortunately, at Bitterford it was like you know we'd have to make tick rotations, yeah, which is kind of what we're back to right now, but and let me just let me I guess we should probably rewind this a little bit.
Speaker 1:This is why I said hang with me this week, guys, because I'm gonna be all over the place. I can't make my dates connect. I really can't.
Speaker 2:Well, you got transferred Tuesday.
Speaker 1:You got transferred Tuesday while we were recording. We had a good day Wednesday. We had a difficult day Thursday.
Speaker 2:Thursday because we had a blood transfer.
Speaker 1:So I think Wednesday was a good day and we went and got my brother's stuff on Wednesday, so we went in Thursday feeling great about things.
Speaker 2:Thursday was a bad day and it was a real bad day. And then Friday, we had a good day.
Speaker 1:But Thursday, when we had that bad day, I came home and I was struggling.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I reached out to you and that's when I was having those experiences of seeing him age dealing with these things when you're hero and role model the toughest guy you know is instantly the weakest. It's really challenging and you come home and you just kind of feel paralyzed. You don't know what to do. You don't really have, just to. I don't know, physically, you don't have the strength to do anything. Emotionally, mentally, you're just spent. You can't start a task, you can't complete a task and I don't know what the scenario was. I went down to the end of the driveway to maybe I was going to get the mail or bring the trash. I was doing something and as I went down there I saw this big ass bag underneath the mailbox and I instantly assumed it was a marketplace purchase of you, because I'm balling on the budget. It is a very common occurrence to find miscellaneous bags and purchases either stuff in the mailbox, like you've raided Shelby's closet and she's filled the mailbox to close, or you know someone's dropped something off under the mailbox.
Speaker 2:Your dad loves to find those. Yeah, someone's hand, but it was left in the mailbox.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I went down there and it was this big ass bag and I just thought you bought something. So I went to pick it up and I was like holy shit, this is, this is heavy, Like this is really heavy.
Speaker 2:I didn't know anything about it actually.
Speaker 1:I got it in the truck and I opened it and as soon as I did I saw a bunch of food and I was like oh man, and I started to read the note. And then I couldn't and I just zipped it up.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I went to my mom's house.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Then you texted me and was like can you FaceTime?
Speaker 1:me and I was like sure. So you FaceTime me and I show you the bag and was like I assume this was a marketplace purchase. We go over that whole chestnut and I opened it up and there's just mounds of food in there and there's a note that says Keith Alley and family and the message is I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he's on the mend. I have not listened to yesterday's show yet for an update and I thought y'all might not have the time to make some good food. And then it goes on to have just a super awesome positive message about food and us and taking the time of you with family and not worrying about those the little things. And it was from Amanda and I'm just blown away by it and I think that it was something that I think emotionally just got you being my mom, like I mean, as I'm looking at this stuff and I start reading the note, I'm like breaking down and it's just I don't know. I can't even put it into words because it's one of those things where you've always heard from your grandparents like what it was like back in the day, that, oh, we would take care of each other, that I remember what it was like when someone on our road was like having a tough time and we would bake them a pie or something. But I remember my mom telling me about neighbors and my grandmother making them multiple meals and dropping these dinners off and stuff. And you would think like today in this world, oldest day in age, and what we're dealing with and how divided we are and how everything's doom and gloom when the world's coming to an end and people just can't fucking get along. You thought that we are light years away from the good old days where people actually cared about each other and did those types of things for each other. So Amanda's gesture and message like restilled faith in society for me Everybody's busy, everybody's beyond busy, right In this world we're always two days behind schedule, we're an hour late for an appointment, whatever it is, and the fact that Amanda took the time to legitimately make us delicious meals. We got a couple of breakfasts right, like our egg scrambles, ham and eggs and sausage, and I think how many days have you eaten tortilla soup? How many days I don't?
Speaker 2:know like four. I think we just finally finished it. So I mean and that was like breakfast lunch. I mean not lunch breakfast yeah dinner, lunch double down dinner again, and it's one of those things where it was delicious.
Speaker 1:How great was it to be like what are we cooking tonight?
Speaker 2:Oh, we don't have to, we have the soup and we had all the extra snacks and things and jerky and stuff.
Speaker 1:So, amanda, I can't thank you enough. I've given you a shout out on here before. Ironically, when we lost the brakes, amanda was the one that showed up, was driving by as our like just you know shining um or spiritual animal that just pulled in and blocked traffic and was like you can run my car over with no brakes and a pickup truck and a camper and I'll get you to your destination.
Speaker 2:I remember you were opening the bag during our FaceTime and you were like how does she even know where we live? Well, buddy Opal, our road is a dead end road and our mailbox is the size of a big tractor John Deere tractor and it says Liberty Across it. Pretty sure it's not hard to find.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I guess that did it. But, Amanda, when you get called up on episodes on behalf of the entire Liberty family, thank you so much for that. We were beyond blown away by your gesture. The fact you took the time to do that for us and consider us and put that amount of thought and effort into it really means more than you'll know, and it was on a Will be certain to get you your lunchbox bag. Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:Is that it on the bottom of the card?
Speaker 1:At some point down the road.
Speaker 2:I will get my lunchbox.
Speaker 1:But it's one of those it was a day. It was such a day that I needed it right. I was struggling so hard that day and that day continues to get a little crazy because you had had some previous conversations on Das Internet with a couple of people. You wanted to chime in and drop some knowledge on some help. We got that day because it was an extremely helpful day.
Speaker 2:Let's just say oh, I was like why are we talking about these? Like you said, these days are just like Everything blends together. It's hard to.
Speaker 1:But all these super cool gestures and help that we've received, like that Thursday I think it was a Thursday was super ridiculous, Absolutely because we were as down and out as we could possibly feel and everybody kind of came through for us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so Uncle Mike your Uncle Mike, who you've heard about during this entire process, reaches out to check in and see how everything is going and if there's anything that he can do for us. And we're not the type of people to ask for help that's the last thing that we do. It wouldn't matter if we were shoveling the driveway after all winter, like we're not gonna ask for help.
Speaker 1:Which I did.
Speaker 2:I know, and we didn't ask for help.
Speaker 1:I shoveled the driveway by hand. And then Mike found out at one point and was like you messaged him. I was like hey, tubby's out there shoveling the driveway.
Speaker 2:I did not say that I was worried you were gonna have a stroke. That's what I was worried about. So and I am just as bad I will not ask for help, but Uncle Mike will ask every single day that he messages me. It's not really every day, it's every once in a while and he always apologizes like I'm so sorry, I don't wanna be a bother, I just wanna know how Artie's doing. And I'm like you're not a bother, it's no big deal. We are forever grateful for you being there for him that day. You're not a bother. So again the standard issue how's things going? Here's the update, anything you guys need. And I was like here's the deal. We are not the type of people to ask for help, and you know that. But I'm really concerned about all the stuff that Keith has taken on himself and the things that he actually can't accomplish, because one of the biggest things is we don't have a working lawnmower, because Pops broke the lawnmower, like he always does, because he drives by, feel and will stop when things get expensive. And so, as you said in your last podcast, like you granated a couple of lawnmowers and, no, you can't get the other one fixed and stuff. So I said, you know what, mike, if it wouldn't be too much to ask, if you wouldn't mind, because they have a zero turn lawnmower and their daughter, amanda, loves different Amanda than the one that dropped off the food.
Speaker 1:Well, one has an A, a man, and one's no, and the other one is manned. Yes, right, right.
Speaker 2:So a man loves to mow their lawn. So Mike was like absolutely 100%, I'll be down. Just tell Keith, just stop by and I'll talk to him. Da da, da da. So I was like so he says yes. And I'm like sitting back and I'm like regretting my decision. I'm like, oh my God, I never should have done that. I'm gonna have to tell Keith. Keith's gonna be mad because I'm asking him for help. Oh my God, what am I gonna do? And then I'm like nevermind, mike, we'll figure it out. Like it's fine, nevermind. And then I started to type it out and I was like no, we need the help. It's fine to ask for help when you need help. So then he was like yeah, just have Keith stop by. Da da, da da. So I sent you a text and I was like listen. And then here I go, apologizing, like I'm like I'm so sorry Mike keeps asking if there's anything we can help with and I'm worried about you and I wanna take something off your plate. This is something we know we can't do, we can't fix. I hope this is okay. And all I get was like a heart on the message and I was like oh my God, he's mad. Oh my God, he's mad. He's mad Like he, yeah, cause I made a bad decision. I should have asked for help, it's God damn it. I should have just kept my mouth shut, should have minded my own damn business and just left well enough alone. This is me running through my heart. On the other side of that coin just so you can understand how I'm feeling is I just kinda had, like the night before I had, a meltdown conversation with you, right, right, and that's exactly where all of this came from, because I was genuinely concerned about you and like there's nothing we can do for your dad at the hospital other than visit and show our love and support. But here, when you're coming here and we have this list of projects that need to be done as soon as you get home, you get overwhelmed. Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Speaker 1:And I was having that conversation with you where I was like I can't get anything off my list and I feel just continuously overwhelmed and I said I'm on the verge of some kind of mental breakdown and I can feel it and I'm just trying to fight through it and I'm having a hard time and it was one of those things where everything I tried to do I would break or fuck up. And they were all reminders to me of how dependent I am on my old man. It was all reminder to me on all the things he does around the farm and all the things he does for all of us. And it was making it even more difficult, right, because you couldn't get the task done and by not getting the task done to accomplish it, to figure out how to get over it.
Speaker 2:I would go to my old man and ask him hey, dad how do I fix this?
Speaker 1:And not having that. And then it was that vicious cycle Like that was getting me alive, where it was making me think more about him and him not doing well, and then me feeling less whole without him and me feeling that I didn't learn all the lessons I need to learn from you, and it was just this vicious cycle that was tearing me up inside. So when I came to you and said those things to you and admitted that I needed help and I needed to do something, the next day, when you got help talking to Mike and you sent me that message, my first reaction was fuck you, no, I don't want any help. And I looked at it and was like I couldn't form a like a full on thank you statement. And it was like she's right, she's right If I. I can't, I can't, you know, bear myself to you, I can't, I can't show you my hand and then Then slap yours when you try to help. So I was like, yeah, all right, I'm gonna accept the help. I'm gonna accept the help. And like when you said that you know, check with Mike and I didn't even get a chance to yet and he had called me and said, hey, but I'm like, what are you doing you home? And I was like, yeah, I'm on my second guard, I'll be right over. And at that time you were also gone with the truck, working on another project with somebody else.
Speaker 2:And I messaged my mom. I asked for help.
Speaker 1:I asked my mom and I said can you meet me outside? And she came outside and I was like you know, I don't like taking help and I don't like asking for help, but we're about to get a lot of help today, so I just kind of want you to be out here to see this and to have this happen. So I'm gonna turn the floor back over to you and you run this whole scenario Like the other. Help here and then what took place? The remainder of the evening On you go.
Speaker 2:Oh God. So while all this is happening, I am actually getting our winter hay for spirit, and I had reached out to a friend, because a friend of ours, woodcock, and I knew that I couldn't get five round bales back and forth to the house in one trip.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, we can get successfully, safely one if you're pushing it to if you're lucky, but the size of the round bales you're getting it's one. So you're talking five separate trips. Number one the farmer's gonna be pissed. Number two this is like five days of work.
Speaker 2:Yes, down and back, down and back, down and back. So I reached out to a friend who actually lives around the corner from said farm and I said listen, I need to prepare for winter. I have my square bales, but I need some round bales. And I'm about to pick up five round bales from a local farmer down the way. What's the over and under that? You can help me? And he was like oh yeah, I can do that, like that's no problem, where am I going? And I was like here's the day, here's the time, I'll meet you there. You take four, I'll take one, bang bang, boom. We're on our way. So thankfully, woodcock actually has a flatbed tow truck.
Speaker 1:He owns a tow truck company? Yeah, he's a partner in a tow truck company.
Speaker 2:Yep. So I reached out to him and I said first of all I was like running through ideas like all right, how am I gonna get all five round bales back and forth in like the most?
Speaker 1:Orally fashion.
Speaker 2:Yeah, productive way. And I was like I need a fucking flatbed, I need a flatbed, I need a tow truck. And sure as fucking shit Woodcock shows up, refuses to take my money. But I gave it to him anyway and I told him that it was for Finns McDonald's. So that worked out.
Speaker 1:So he goes, gets Finns, or he didn't even get the kid, he just got. He went and met with you and I wanna bring this up again, but when we were going to Windsor, chris, him and Noah those are the dudes that showed up in your parking lot at work and fixed the coil pack in the pickup truck so it didn't catch on fire. Like without him. We don't make it to the fair.
Speaker 2:So it wasn't the fourth of July, as I was going to the fair.
Speaker 1:So Woody shows up and saves our ass for that. And then here we are now and I was having conversation with him back and forth about my old man just kind of shooting the shit and I didn't know what you and him were brewing. So I tell my mom like hey, I'm gonna need you to come outside. And when we go outside and here comes Woodcock with his beard flowing in the breeze and the biggest load of hay I've ever seen on a fucking flatbed tow truck, which as soon as those pictures go out there I think he's gonna be getting fucking countless offers from horse owners around the state looking for hay delivery, because it was a genius idea For sure, backed up, tilted the fucking ramp and we rolled them suckers right in.
Speaker 2:Yep, it's beautiful, was majestic. What do you think?
Speaker 1:Man yeah, he was. The spirit was all geared up. Chris, I can't thank you enough, man. You've been saving my ass all year, but you've been saving my ass for many years. We go way back and that was so clutch man. You think about, when you're short on patience and time and ability, the fact that he could take that one trip and do all what we would have taken us five trips. You know Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:It was funny. He was rather hilarious. He was like yeah, I mean I think I could probably get like two round bills on my flatbed, and I was like oh, buddy, you're gonna take them all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:Bend over. You're gonna take it all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he came through and crossured for us and so when you showed up and we started on load and all the hay, then Mike showed up.
Speaker 2:And Mike showed up with the not one zero turn but two, and he was like all right, I'm gonna unload, point me in our direction. And I was like right over there, that's the lawn and we have a very big lawn.
Speaker 1:We have a big-ass lawn y'all. It's a couple days minimum to mow our lawn.
Speaker 2:A standard lawn mower. It takes a couple of days. It definitely does, and so Mike and Amanda. A-manda his daughter just hit the lawn running.
Speaker 1:Two Toro zero turns.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just meow meow.
Speaker 1:You could tell they've like had to mow in a hurry before because they had it down.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Like staggered mow side by side behind. Well, they have a camp Side by each. They do the same thing.
Speaker 2:And so I go over towards the front lawn where the barn is and because I was gonna move the water hose that goes across the lawn for the horse and Mike goes. I mean I don't really know how you guys want this cut. And I don't cut like pops and I was like Mike we can't thank you enough for actually being here. Like honestly, you just cut it Like if you can just cut it it doesn't matter, like why don't wanna mess up Artie's, and I was like we're not even worried about that. Like Artie can cut his own path next year for the springtime, like, just do us a solid and just cut it. And that's what that's what him and I talked about. And he was like, oh my God, yeah, easy, done, deal, we can do that. So that's what they did and they just I mean they got to the house about 530.
Speaker 1:Probably 530. And I mean it's.
Speaker 2:You don't have much daylight now because I mean it's here in Maine, it's about to be winter, so I mean at 530, you may have an hour worth of light.
Speaker 1:If you're lucky, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and they just like they did, the front lawn, the back lawn, the side lawn, in that amount of time they even had somebody come and drop off flashlights.
Speaker 1:They called Ryan and Ryan came over with lights and they ran flashlights and mowed well into the night.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I mean it was a pitch dark. We were putting the horse to bed, for God's sake.
Speaker 1:We put all the animals to bed, Like it was late. We must have been fucking eight, nine o'clock, whatever they were still fucking mowing with flashlights and you know we took some video footage of it and showed the old man the next day.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, he was ecstatic.
Speaker 1:I mean, he was so happy to see like Chris with a load of hay he couldn't believe. He thought that was hilarious and he started getting so emotional with seeing the video of Mike and Amanda mowing the lawn.
Speaker 2:He even said like make sure you tell them that I said thank you, Like absolutely, and he had every like hour or two that would go by, he would perk back up and be like I can't believe Mike mowed my lawn.
Speaker 1:He does care about me And-.
Speaker 2:Cause I mean, it's been a little bit Like it's.
Speaker 1:I mean, your dad hadn't really like my dad's gone into grumpy phases and doesn't talk to people and you know But-.
Speaker 2:But Mike for the lineups, just so everybody knows like we live on a dead end road and Uncle Mike actually lives at the beginning of our road, so like you drive by him when you leave, yeah, and you come home from the end.
Speaker 1:Mike's not actually our uncle.
Speaker 2:I've always called him Uncle Mike.
Speaker 1:He's like a family, because people that are listening are probably like if he's your uncle Mike, then he's gotta be your dad's brother, so he's you know they've.
Speaker 2:they were basically he grew up around us right.
Speaker 1:So, like my mom was Mike's I want to say baby said it when he was a kid, actually so but my dad kept saying, like man, that's just. That's one big thing off my mind I've been thinking about, you know, cause he's always like I got to home, home, my lawn. So it's just one more thing to kind of take off of this plate. So on Friday when we were there I think it was Friday when we again my days are going to be all blurry, but Friday was rehearsal.
Speaker 2:We all went there together, yeah, so we showed him the video and he was so excited.
Speaker 1:And then we went to wedding wedding rehearsal because we're hosting the ceremony and marrying two of our really good friends on Saturday, and this is some of the challenge of my schedule. And then everything that's going on, because on Friday we had wedding rehearsal and then I had to come straight home or on the way home, put my mom up from the hospital and then, you know, go see my dad for another hour or so and then come home to DJ Bantmi Saloon and then get ready to go back to the wedding. So we do the rehearsal Friday, checking in with my mom as we're getting ready to leave. And you know, you're kind of getting these broken messages back and forth because remember you were trying to decide what my mom was saying about, like we're trying to find the missing piece. Remember this whole scenario. And then we have this text message conversation about the fact that they now want to do a biopsy on my dad and his hip to check his bone marrow because they're worried about my dad having bone cancer. So this comes up on Friday and this puts us into an instant panic, because there's enough about this that lines up that makes you really nervous, because my dad's white blood cell count and his blood's been way off, which is what we've been saying for the longest time is are we checking for fucking cancer? Like, why are we not checking for cancer? Because that's one of the biggest red flags. And for me these things all go back to my brother. So that's kind of where my head always goes. And my dad's been complaining so much at the hospital about hip pain, hip pain, his bones hurt so bad and he's had all this back pain that we haven't been able to identify, like for all summaries, barely been able to move because of his back. So he's complaining about all this back pain and now at the hospital it's all about his hip pain and you can dismiss it and say it's because he's laying in a hospital bed, but I remember what it was like for my brother and if you go back to those episodes as we talked about, his back actually snapped in half because his bones got so brittle and longer short of it. They did a biopsy on my brother and identified that he actually had multiple myeloma, a bone cancer, and when you know, I think back to those times and it was all the back pain that he had the elevated white blood cell count. Those are all things that my dad's complaining about. Those are all things he's dealing with and now we're going to do a biopsy on his hip. You can't help but think about my brother. You can't help but think about the outcome and I can't help but imagine my dad hearing that he could potentially have the same cancer that took his son away from him. I don't even know how to describe it, man, like I know when my brother had that cancer. I remember all the research I did. I remember all the just countless, endless research I did all the things I read, all the videos I watched, and remember just coming to this point where I had an absolute meltdown in the kitchen one night and told my mom he's not going to make it, this is fatal, he's not going to beat this and you're trying to block all that research out of your mind and have an open mind to this and what's going on. And you can understand that, logically, this could be the answer, but you're praying, it's not the answer, but you're stressed about it and I'm so stressed about this scenario and I'm having a hard time functioning and handling all these things. And you're also trying to clear your mind and be as positive as possible because you're trying to marry one of your best friends. So you have all this going on and we're driving, we're racing back to the hospital to go see my dad, spend some more time with him, before we have to go to Bentley Saloon again and this car pulls out in front of us and kind of cuts us off, merging it through traffic. Remember that car? Yeah, remember there was a license plate.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it says God loves you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I pointed it out.
Speaker 1:We were literally getting on the interstate and a car cut us off. I mean, it was a legal pass, okay, it was like we're merging on. I don't want someone to be like the guy has a Jesus license plate and he's cutting you off in traffic. No, that's not what I'm saying Basically, but this car like, literally like, went all around and then pulled right directly in front of us, Like, cuts off, boom, gets right in front of us and the license plate said God loves you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there wasn't enough letters for YOU. It said YA.
Speaker 1:So if that doesn't hit you in the fields and the blinkers, I don't really know what does. So that was just that little shot of hopeium right there, just enough hope to help you hold on. We got to the hospital and my dad was still in a great mood but he kept bringing that up where he was, like I hope I don't have fucking bone cancer. You know, that's what killed David. And then he would find optimism and he would say you know, I have a lot of friends, they've had cancer and they beat it. You just got to find it early. And you know, I just want to make sure, you know and he was being optimistic and things were good. And you know we were still. We waited around to hear from another doctor for a while until we possibly couldn't stay any longer and we came home and then rushed, rushed home, basically to load up our gear, to go to the saloon and to DJ our last, you know, event of the year there, which I thought that it was like before you move forward to your Bentley thing, like your mom I don't know if you were in the hallway with us, but she brought up to me.
Speaker 2:She was like he's really excited to see you here and I was like, oh my God, like what Me? Like what? What about me is so exciting. Like I'm just like you know what I mean. Like I'm not thinking. Like I'm like, oh, I'm going to go and see him show my love, whatnot. Like he's been seeing you guys. Like because, unfortunately, when they transported him from Bidiford to Portland, I raced over there at lunchtime and I had missed him. He was in the elevator already and he was headed down. So you know, and I had gone to the Bidiford hospital and seen him every day and on my lunch break and all that kind of stuff. But going to Portland it's so much harder because you guys go in the morning and I'm at work all day, so like, yeah, sure I could go up when I get out of work, but it's like you guys have already come home and it's like it's my schedule is so much harder. So for me to go up there and see him and he was having such a good day he was like sitting in the chair and I was just kind of sitting back and everybody hanging out and say hi and stuff like that. And you know he was like you get over here, baby, you come over here and give me a hug. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I go over and I give him a hug and, you know, tell him that I love him and everything. And he literally apparently talked about it while we were gone to rehearsal, basically saying that he was, he was really excited to see me and you know, and I was like, wow, that was really nice. Like I didn't, I didn't put it into that sort of perspective, but it was, it was really nice to feel appreciated, right, you know what I mean. Like you know, he really he really does kind of love me, even though he's we have a love hate relationship, right, I mean, we really don't, but we're just tough love on each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So you, we're riding that emotion right. Of weighing, waiting and weighing on these test results and, and you know, then you have to put on a smiley face and go to the saloon and, you know, dj for whatever it is for five hours and try to try to be the entertainment right, try to be the fun guy and it was not to be mistaken with the mushroom, yeah. And it was a loud, proud American appreciation night and but it's just hard, man, it's just hard to shut off what you're going through and then try to show people a good time. And I want to say that when we were getting ready to start, one of the things that really helped was Scott and Lindsay rolled in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was really nice.
Speaker 1:Representing their LPA gear and they drive over an hour to be here to show up and to, to represent and to check in on us and spend some time and it was comforting. You know, and that means a lot to me, that those guys always go out of their way to to help us and on that same line of help and things that we can't do, like little random things, but you bought a solar fence charger, right? an electric fence charger off a marketplace out in New Hampshire and Scott and Lindsay went and picked it up right.
Speaker 2:Thankfully, it was just next door to their town, right, but they still went and picked it up.
Speaker 1:and then they drove it an hour away to drop it off to you and those little things that you know we would have passed up on that deal because we couldn't do it on our own and it just makes a difference. You know, all those little things help along the way. So it was just, it was just special that they were there and I would say that night turned out to be a pretty good success. I think everybody had a good time. We had a great crowd for the dance floor most of the night and then I had another. I had a powerful conversation with Nic Labanque after, after the night was over, you know, just talking about my old man and praying for us and and just those conversations that you don't expect. Number one I didn't even have to notify Nic of what was going on. You know Cheta did, and oh, I was.
Speaker 2:I was curious how it was like.
Speaker 1:But the fact that he got emotional with us. I was like I love you guys and you know I'm praying for your old man and you, just having that emotional, heartfelt conversation that you don't always get to have, like all of me and Nic's conversations over the years are just fun, loving party conversations because that's how we see each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know sort of have.
Speaker 1:that heartfelt scenario was was just touching and it makes you feel loved and appreciated, and when you sit back and think about all the people that have put their life on hold to help you, because your world keeps spinning and you're having a hard time keeping up you know, and you think about everybody, between Nic being there, having those conversations, jay having all those conversations with us throughout the night, and and offering to be here and offering to come over and work on. You know, you know fixing equipment and doing whatever hell he possibly can and helping us out. And you know, and and Scott and Lindsay is showing up and bringing the charging unit for you and you start thinking about Mike and Amanda and Chris and Amanda and all those all those people yeah, all these people just like you said, stopping what they're doing.
Speaker 2:It's crazy yeah, it's crazy to lend a hand and and, and I mean we're those type of people too Like, so I mean.
Speaker 1:Pay it forward.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Speaker 1:And it's like love give this, love received, and you know when these things. I think it really goes to show that how you treat people when times are good is paid back to you when times are tough. And you know if you can be good people, that you can only just hope and pray that good people will return it to you, and and we're blessed. And there's so many people that they don't have the position to be able to stop what they're doing, but they send a message, they shoot a text, they tell us that they're thinking of us. You know all those things that are all just helps because you all realize how much support you have. You know, and this is an outlet. I mean this podcast is an outlet. I mean it's tough to get on here and to say and to put our shit out there to the world. But you know, I take comfort in the fact that there's so many people, number one, that want to hear from us, that want an update. This is a good way to do it. And number two, there's somebody else out there going through what we're going through. You know, and if there's strength in numbers and safety and numbers and and proof in the pudding that you know we're all in this together, then then you hope you're helping somebody. And you know, I also think that prayers help and the more that we get the message out there and the things that we're going through, the more people are praying, the more successful we're going to be, the happier this is going to have for an ending. So truly, truly remarkable. But if we finish Friday night on a on a on a good note, saturday we get ready to go to the wedding. I finish up the speech for for Derek and Shannon and get the music ready and and things ready to rock and roll and bring my mom to the hospital and we had to shoot right to the ceremony because we were running late and my dad's having a real tough day on Saturday and you know we get women. He's having a difficult day but not to the degree that you know we don't get all the details right.
Speaker 2:And I think that, like it's another, it's another sign that you know, like you never think about it until like right now when you're putting it into a perspective. But but think about this, so your dad's having a really tough day. We're running late.
Speaker 1:So we don't have the chance to go upstairs, don't even get to see it.
Speaker 2:Do we have the chance to go upstairs? Does that set both of us back that we're not now ready to prepare ourselves to go in and be happy and that sort of thing? Are we not ready to put on a happy face? Does the wedding not go accordingly? Because we are not in the right mindset?
Speaker 1:I think you're absolutely right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just another sign.
Speaker 1:It is definitely a sign.
Speaker 2:That you just don't even think about it. You're like, yeah, we may have been running around like chickens with their heads cut off making sure that we have everything and everything is good to go, and that sort of thing, but it was probably a blessing and disguise that we were late and didn't have the chance to go upstairs.
Speaker 1:I didn't even think about that, because you're totally right, because I would not have had the mental capacity to handle that. It was the most challenging wedding we've ever had to do, because up until now the weddings we've done a lot of them have been like a backyard scenario where we're in control of it but everything just kind of goes. It's the first time we're in a bigger venue, we're in a barn venue with a set schedule and everything has to happen at a certain time and everything has a certain song. It's not like I'm just free-form, picking things as I want to go. I'm also conducting the ceremony, so there was so many moving parts, which number one I want to say without you, I couldn't have done it. Thanks I wouldn't have made it through. I'm launching moving pieces Even just you handling all the requests, while I'm trying to navigate everything else. I couldn't have done all of it at the same time. So, to your point, had I gone in there and seen my dad in the condition that he was in, I don't think I could have made it through.
Speaker 2:Probably not.
Speaker 1:Because my mom said that we went all the way back to day one and went all the way back to the day he had his first stroke or heart attack or whatever it was. When the ambulance was called and Mike had a driver to the hospital and you had to sit with him. He went all the way back to there. My dad, by all account, took on an infection and he started to just regress drastically and he started to act out. He went back to day one when he was combative and argumentative and so he was arguing with my mom and yelling at my mom and just yelling at all the doctors and things were going downhill from the moment she stepped foot in there. So had we known that we would have been doomed? You're totally right, but I'll say that we pulled off an amazing ceremony and an amazing memory for Derek and Shannon and I felt really good about the service and stuff. It was so hard, so hard to try to disconnect yourself from what's going on that you can't be a part of. It's the fact that your old man's struggling and then to try to channel all the heartfelt love and emotion you can have on somebody's wedding day what you need and when it's two people that you genuinely care about and you're trying to separate your negative emotions and feed into the positive ones. And here I am conducting the actual ceremony. The day is hinged on my emotion and on my reaction and my interpretation of the day. So I didn't want to let them down and I felt really good about the ceremony. Their big Luke Combs fans and their actual their first dance song was beautiful, crazy. So during their wedding ceremony I worked on some wedding advice. There was some Luke Combs lyrics actually from Some Things Last Forever, so I thought it was touching. Everything went really well with that and we were working through the schedule, which is I mean, people don't realize how difficult it is to go through a ceremony and have you know this is when the wedding party is coming out to this song, this is when the bride's coming out. Here's the time this needs to be. Here's your ceremony, here's the walkout song, here's the entrance song, here's the first dance song and everything has a time and a schedule. And here's your cocktail music and your pre-sarmonie and by the time you're all said and done, you realize that you're DJ for like eight hours and you have the whole success and schedule of the entire day is handled on. What you're doing it's a lot, it's a fucking lot, and when you're low on emotion it makes it even tougher. But there was a time towards the end of the day that I looked over at you and you were kind of in a panic and you said that you needed to go outside and talk to my mom. Can you share a little something on that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, she had text with me and just said, like I need you to call me right now. So you know, at this point the reception is about to happen, so you know, we're slowly starting to get people dancing and stuff. So I was like, all right, now's my perfect chance. It's pouring rain outside, I grab an umbrella, run outside and I'm just like you know, like what's going on, what's happening. And she was like I don't know and I'm like, well, that doesn't help me any. What do you mean? You don't know, like what's going on and like she's, she's just like in awe, like we all have been in awe, like we just don't know, we have no answers, we don't know what's happening. She's telling me that he's, he's being belligerent, they want to do these tests to this infection. They can't find. It's just all of this wrapped into one. She's just like just word vomit. And I'm just like I don't know how to process this right now. I'm doing what you're trying to do, I'm trying to be happy for the wedding, but I'm also like scared of shitless, like that we're. You know, we're talking about, like doing cancer testing. We're talking about, like finding an infection. We're talking about doing surgery Emergency surgery. Emergency surgery. Like there is just so much that literally just like hit me in the face and I'm like okay, like are are you okay? And she's like I don't know, well, me neither. I don't know, you don't know. None of us know what the right thing to do is, how to process this. Like being strong is the only thing that we can do right now and none of us have that in us anymore. Like we're, just like we have to be strong for him. But like we've we're running on E at the same time as like we're we're literally on an emotional roller coaster. Like one minute we're, we're happy, we get good news. The next minute we're sad because we don't have any answers and then we're like, all right, we're having a good day and it's just like it's such an emotional roller coaster that it's draining.
Speaker 1:Like it's. It's the most emotionally drained thing I've ever done. I've never done it before. You went out there for that call and it felt like forever. I'm staring at the clock and I just can't. I just can't figure it out. You know, every minute, like I, you're I'm playing songs and when I'm DJing, I'm constantly watching the clock, like I'm constantly watching the track and the time. So I'm staring at a spinning track. I can just see the each second tick by and each second feels like minutes and minutes feels like hours. And I keep anticipating you walking through the door, like all I can think about is you opening the door to the barn and me seeing you bawling and me realizing that my father just passed. That's all I can think about. Or are you coming in and trying to play cool? And I'm analyzing in my head is she gonna try to hide it from me? Is she gonna try to be cool Cause she doesn't want me? She wants me to get through this evening? Is she gonna wanna? Is she gonna come in and tell me because she can't hold it, like I don't know? So every second that you're out there, I'm analyzing and questioning and praying to God that my old man didn't just pass away and that I'm not there by his side and that I have to get through the rest of this night and, like not knowing what to do. I'm processing all these things and I'm struggling and I'm about to have a panic attack behind the DJ booth and every second feels like an hour and I just I'm just staring at my computer and I was like I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And then I got to the point where I said like I just was just looking for music, I didn't know. When I looked down at my turntables and there was something on him and I went to swat it off my table and if you do you'll skip a track. So I had to like get close. I'm like what the fuck is on my DJ equipment? I look, and there was this little ladybug just running across the turntables and just kind of just hanging out just spending the whole time just right there looking at me, and I was like that's my mom. Like I don't know what this means. But this random little ladybug who magically found me in this corner in this big ass barn right now, is just telling me to breathe. And I put a five minute track on and I went outside of the pouring rain and I went to the bathroom and I collected myself and I said I kept looking at my watch and I was like I got a couple of minutes. I'm gonna go to the door of your car and if you're in there balling your eyes out like I'm gonna know, and then there's no, there's no, there's no questioning what's going on. I went up to the car and didn't want to scare the bejesus out of you, so like I put my hand on the car and I went peeking around I didn't want to knock on the window and scare you. And I got all the way to the front and looked in and you weren't there.
Speaker 2:I was inside looking for you.
Speaker 1:Well then the anxiety goes up again. No cause, you're like you all worked up about finding you and then you're not there. And then I went in and you know you're trying to relay the message to me, which we don't even understand or know how to interpret, but I'm just thankful. I'm just thankful that he's still here and as we kind of move through the night and I would like to spend more time on their wedding, but I just can't know. We're getting too far gone here on time. But it was an amazing time and it was comforting to be surrounded by so much love at that same time even though you know what I mean. Like it was weird, you know, because you're struggling so much internally but you're trying to externally take in the moment. And we organized the shoe game scenario. You had all those cool questions and you gave me the idea of just off the cuff kind of saying some things about Derek and so I was able to share a couple of stories about him at the end of that and then, as soon as he had the time, like he had a moment, he came over to the booth and gave me a hug and started getting emotional and said to me if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be the man I am and I wouldn't be where I am. And man, that big emotional bastard got me and for a moment it made me realize like this is why you're here, this is why you've have been as strong as you have to be. This is it right? You did this for him and this is the reason and this is why you're here. And there's always a reason, right? No matter what it is that we do in life, there's always a reason. And what he said to me in that moment gave me comfort that I knew this is why I'm here and that the fact that he wanted me so badly to do this for him it was as much as he wanted me to be there, and the things that he said to me just made me I don't even know how to explain it, man, I don't even know how to explain it. It's not about like an ego, because, like he's saying these things and if I was a egotistical person I would be relishing in what he said, but I was more proud of him for who he is and thankful that he appreciates me you know what I mean or that he looks at me a certain way and I was just telling him how proud I am of him and I really, truly am that a guy that never thought he could sell anything is now a sales manager and really built an amazing life for himself, and it was so amazing to be a part of their day. It was such an honor to be asked to be such an important part to their day and definitely something that I'll never forget. And so we get home, we drive home from the ceremony. We were gonna spend the night there with those guys, but we just realized that you know we can't, we need to come home. And we come home and all things quiet, and we come in and start heating up some snacks and my mom calls me and starts unloading on me that really, truly how bad the day has been, everything that my dad's going through and the fact that he has some kind of gnarly infection and they don't know what to do and they're gonna be rushing him in for surgery. And then we're gonna get 24, seven updates. And just to kind of sum it up real quick, cause I know we're going long here, but I think we got what six or seven phone calls that night yeah. Between what time did we get home? I don't even remember.
Speaker 2:Midnight.
Speaker 1:So we roll in at 12 o'clock, between 12 o'clock and.
Speaker 2:I think it was like 11 30 midnight.
Speaker 1:So between 11, 30, 12 o'clock to seven, eight o'clock in the morning, we got six or seven phone calls. The hospital and new surgeon and new doctor and new nurse would call my mom and then update and then it would get relayed to us and then it was. We were told that they're getting him ready for surgery and he's gonna be rushed into surgery and that they're basically trying to fight this infection and to keep him alive. And they really don't know what's going on. And we heard that I don't know three, four o'clock they were getting him ready for surgery and then we didn't get an answer about him coming out of surgery until I don't know seven, eight o'clock or something right.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:And so throughout the night, some of the updates were that they were transferring my dad from floor three, which is kind of like a general floor, which I don't think he should have been on in the first place, to a special care unit. Is that what they call it there?
Speaker 2:And Otherwise known as the ICU.
Speaker 1:if you've ever been to a hospital, yeah so he has a whole new team of doctors, new team of nurses, everything and it's like 24, seven dedicated care, Like they're literally outside his doorway at all times, and so you know we're encouraged by that side of it. But there's a lot. They needed to find the infection and they decided they had to reopen his surgery, their stomach surgery that he had for diverticulitis. So those staples they just pulled out and that scar that was just starting to kind of scar over and heal over, they had to cut them open again and go back in and retrace that surgery.
Speaker 2:In case you're wondering, he is probably cut from his groin to his chest plate.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's well past the navel, Like it's, you know it's-.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's an early scar.
Speaker 1:They just reopened it and went back through and retraced his surgery and found a bunch of pulled up what they assumed to be blood in his stomach that they're hopeful that's where the infection was coming from, so-.
Speaker 2:He's had five blood transfusions at this point and they're uncertain as to where the blood is going, because it's not. His body is not collecting it or distributing it as it should be. So that's originally why they had to reopen him and kind of see she was taking on a lot of fluid. Yeah, you know, and they didn't know if and they didn't know if it was blood.
Speaker 1:They're worried this blood is just pulling up in his stomach. I'm gonna interject and say I'm hopeful that this blood scenario that's happened is the reason why his blood white blood cell counts have been crazy. It's the reason why he's had infections for so long and that it's not the bone marrow scenario, it's not bone cancer, that it comes down to this being a blood related. That's what I'm holding on to hope for right now. So you know, we prepared ourselves for everything that was going to happen and that we were going to see on Sunday and I knew that, based on the surgery, my dad had to go on a ventilator. I knew all of that On Sunday when I arrived, only two of us could go in, so I went in with my mom first and I'm usually really strong in these scenarios and I don't know if it's the accumulation of my emotions and lack of sleep and this roller coaster I've been on the combination of that and then physically, seeing your dad on a ventilator with 20 machines again, and you're thinking, man, just two days ago you were sitting in the chair talking about Mo on the lawn and coming home and how great you felt. And now you're clinging on for life and I got. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I felt like the walls were closing in on me All of a sudden, like it burned to breathe and my chest started getting tight and I couldn't find a place to look just to clear my mind. I couldn't find anything to catch myself Like I couldn't. I started being short on breath and my mouth was dry and my chest was burning and I just I felt like everything, like the oxygen was getting sucked out of the room and everything was closing in on me and I felt like everybody was staring at me and everything, just like it started spinning and I was. I texted you and I said I can't do it, I can't be in here, and I felt so bad for not being able to be next to my. Oh man, I felt so bad for that. But I was like if I break down here it's not gonna help either, and I had to remove myself from the room and stay in the waiting room for a few hours. I could not go back in. That's never happened before, you know, and I wanted me to go in and say goodbye to him before we left and I couldn't even do that. I just got to the got to like a breaking point, a point of being too overwhelmed. I know you went in and we kinda swapped places. I couldn't go in with you. You went in to meet up and there with my mom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I felt like it was my duty to go in and you know you don't wanna say pay your respects, but basically, like you know, you wanna go in and I'm telling them that you're there and you know, pray with him and you know, have your spirit guides go in the room there with him talking about signs, just kind of wrapping up this whole thing. Like you know, I want my spirit guides to go into this room and watch over him and keep him safe. So I felt like it was my duty to also go in to the room and say, hi, see him. Do whatever I could and you know, like we talked about, we prepared ourselves, so we thought you know, you know what I was thinking and you know what a ventilator is, you know what the machines are, you know we just had surgery. So you're like, all right, yep, I can do this, this, this. But then when you walk into the room and you just see him there completely lifeless, with a tube down his throat, that was very hard for me as well. I like went up to the head of his bed and I had to look out the window. And I looked out the window, for I got in there. I looked out the window. It was like not even 15 seconds I was in the room and it was like the floodgates had just opened. There was no stopping and it was, you know, like All the emotions leading up to this were just so much that it didn't matter if you gave me the winning lottery ticket. Like I'm done, like I am, I am checked out and I think, like you never want to see a family member in that, in that way, let alone someone that you know in that way. But you know, like that that's your dad and so, like, being able to see, see him like that, it cuts you deep and I can tell you that right now, as we sit here today. I'm thankful for your dad. Every day Over the last ten years, your dad has been there for me more than my own father has In ten short years. Yeah, we may tool on each other and we may have a Bickering match here and there, all the time, but you know, I know that that man loves me deep down and and so to be able to to see him like that just just got me so deep. For me it's it's, it's different. So for me it's thinking about Losing another parent. You know, something has to happen to him. That's that's another parent. For me that's, uh, you know, no, he didn't raise me and no, he didn't, he didn't teach me that the lay of the land. But he's been there for me and he supported me and Took me in as if I was his own, and he tells anybody that I'm his daughter and I'm, and I'm forever thankful for that, you know. And so to go into the room and see him like that, just it, it cut me deep and I Ended up, just I didn't know what else to do. I, I, I Leamed in to him and I, I said, said to him I love you, you fucking asshole, and their mom. And I just chuckled and I gave your mama hug and and she just she lost it, she just, you know, and for me that's that's hard, because your mom has also been there for me and she's and she's my family and and so to see her Herding this bad Was just devastating, absolutely devastating, and I just I couldn't last Too long, it was just a lot for me and kind of like just had Flashbacks to Finding my mom and I was 17 years old, you know, just laying there Lifeless, can't say anything, you can't help yourself. So it was really hard, yeah.
Speaker 1:I've, I don't know. I've been through a lot in the hospital. You know saying, you know my brother sigh, when he passed in hospice. I've, I've been by him when he's on ventilators and all those things in the hospital. But there was just something when it's your dad and even though, like you said to be prepared for it, you're never prepared for it and I Just couldn't, I couldn't do it. I'm happy to say, and thankful to say, that Every day since then I've been in the room and I stay in the room and like I've Been able to just collect myself right, like I think we were running on so much emotion and I'm encouraged by positive news, and positive news can can give you something to hold on to and to get through those things, because Sunday felt like everything was ending, you know, and today I feel a little more encouraged by things. We're still back at square one, waiting for infection. One of the most frustrating things about infection is when they test something, they have to send it away and wait because they're waiting to give it the opportunity to faster and to turn into something. So right now they're treating him overall for an entire infection, but they can't pinpoint whether where the actual location of the infection is. We've talked to so many different doctors. Everybody has a different philosophy, so that's that's frustrating. We're still waiting on doing a Cancer biopsy at some point, but at this point that's on hold, based off of its condition. I Just want to rule that out at this point. You know, like On Friday I was still so convinced that's what the outcome was gonna be. Right now I'm holding on to and praying that it all comes down to this. This blood they found in his stomach and that's that's the problem and that's a scenario, and that's been removed and then now we're gonna figure out why did that blood end up there? Is there something wrong with his previous surgery? Is there, you know, something in his lungs? What is that scenario? So I'm hoping and praying that that the next day or so we get results to those and we can figure out where the infection is and attack it finally, because, as you know, over the past Year or two he clears an infection and it comes back. So hopefully we can identify that and figure this out. I'm really praying it's not cancer for him. I'm praying that this is infection that we Can resolve and then, once they know what the infection is and then we can resolve that, we can get back to stay the course on testing his heart and Whether he needs a stint or a defibrillator, whatever that is, which is the entire reason why we ended up in Portland in the first place when we can get back to that underlying reason and Get him home and enjoy All the years that we have left. That's what I'm, what I'm praying for and hoping for. The encouraging thing that I can say today is that they started to lower his ventilator and he was doing a lot of breathing on his own today and tomorrow's goal is to increase more effort on his end as well, with the end goal of in the next day or two and removing the ventilator all together and getting him on his own. And you know it's day by day, minute by minute, hour by hour. It's still extremely tough because it's a lot of hurry up and wait, like you have to rush there first thing in the morning, they try to get answers and then you just sit there and wait for somebody to tell you something, right? You just sit there and wait for something to happen and it's. It's draining man, you. You come home from there and you don't have anything left to give. Like the past two days, I've come home and literally just passed out because I don't. I don't have anything left to give and I'm just hoping that each day gets a little bit better and the next time we record this Podcast we get some real positive news. You know that's, that's what I'm hoping for, that's what I'm praying for me too. There's one more thing I wanted to chuck out there real quick. That you a little story that you kind of told me, and I know we're over time here already, but On Saturday night, kevin, keep doing your cardio, yeah. Kevin, you're gonna get a real sweat today, buddy.
Speaker 2:Needs to chest.
Speaker 1:Yeah, one thing I want to have you say real quick before we go is on Saturday I know that you know, when we had the wedding of my mom had that difficult time and my dad was acting out and Everything was going on and she had to leave and she came home to to do the chores for us. Can you share some of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean we've talked about it before how powerful Horses are and that's just kind of Tops the cake. I mean our. I don't want to be biased, but I think that our boy is a special, is a special kind, and so I I checked on Dukes and I just wanted to see like how she was doing, how she was holding up and you know how the kids were. Just trying to make small talk, just trying to check in on her to, because I know she's here at the house by herself and you know we got all the animals and whatnot, and she, she says that we call the animals inside the house the littles, so that's the dogs and the cat, and then the bigs are the outside farm animals, so that's Winston the pig and Spirit the horse. So I'm like all right, how are littles? They eat, they poop, they do the thing. Yep, good checks, great. So then I go well, house, how are bigs? And and she says, oh, they were they, they were all right. And Every time she says they're all right, I always immediately jump to like, alright, what did spirit do? Because he can be a lot sometimes. And she said that no, they were good. Spirit actually Really really helped her on Saturday and I said, oh yeah, what do you, what do you mean? And she said, well, I closed him up and he started stomping his foot and and so I was like stomping his foot, like his, his foot, bothering him. And she says, no, he was trying to get my attention and I said, okay, she said that she turned around and he Nudged her. He nudged her face, kind of getting her the side of her face all wet and given her some some love and and, and she said that she, she leaned in on him and gave him, gave him a hug, and he just bowed into her and gave him, gave her a hug back, just knowing that she, that she needed it. Horses, horses, no, they can sense it. They are Amazing creatures, they truly are, and they knew that she needed that extra love and he was there, she's, she told me that she gave him a big hug and he just stood there and she said that he really helped her and for that I'm thankful. I know that. You know Dukes has us right, you know, and she has people reaching out to her, but as far as like Lots of support when it comes to that sort of thing, she's she's kind of closed off from it. You know she has us thankful, thankfully, and and I'm not saying that she doesn't have anybody there but I don't think she likes to talk about it, you know mm-hmm, sort of be able to let her have that moment with spirit when no one is around, no one is here, and I know how he is and I know exactly like I. I can see it like when, when she's telling me that she gave him a big hug because he's the best hugger like he, unless he's in a grumpy mood but you can literally just like wrap your arms around him and he's just like, okay, like I've on multiple occasions given him big hugs and just Bald my eyes out and I know, like I can see it like your mom just melts in In his neck and that's, you know this, the smell of him, the, the comfort in him and he, just he was probably just standing like after giving her a hug. He probably just stood there and chomped on his hay because he was like you need this more than I need this. I'm cool, like that's just, that's just him. And and Dang horses are just, they're just amazing, they truly are.
Speaker 1:I think everybody listening probably should understand the, the reason why I said that it's probably been one of the most mentally emotionally draining weeks of my life. You know the highs of Okay, your dad's getting transported and, like the, the anxiety of that. You know the hope of the surgery and and and everything getting worked out to seeing him feeling great. The lows of him being awful, having to go pick up stuff for my deceased brother. You know planning a wedding writing like a wedding ceremony. You know having there's difficult days and then having friends show up with meals and hay and mowing your lawn To. You know having to DJ an event worrying about bone cancer, then going to a wedding and then having multiple phone calls all the evening that your dad's getting rushed into surgery and they don't know what's gonna happen to showing up at seeing him on a ventilator, the. The ride we've been on since our last episode is not one that I care to repeat. There's been some tremendous lessons this week. There's been a lot of things to be grateful for. You know my, my dad still here, obviously, and you know and I'm extremely hopeful and and and confident that he will be home and and that you know this is not where the story ends.
Speaker 2:So you know one thing about your dad? It's he's a fighter. No matter what, no matter what the situation is, he's a fighter. I.
Speaker 1:I Know this too shall pass. He'll be home. Okay, I know it, and it's just gonna make all of us appreciate what we have left even a little bit more you know, so I'm confident that that he will be home and, as I said to open up today's show, I definitely learned some things about myself this week and that survival is impossible without love and support Between friends and family. And you know, and everybody listening today, you got to be open to the signs of hope that you get from the universe. You need those things, whether it's Somebody cutting you off in traffic, telling you that God loves you, if it's a, if it's a freaking ladybug, if it's a dream catcher in the trash, whatever it is, you got to keep your eyes open. You got to be willing to ask for help and you got to be even more willing to accept it and how you treat people on a day-to-day basis. When times are good, it really comes back around to help you when times are tough, and all of you listening today have helped us during these tough times, and it's because of each and every one of you that that we're still here and we're pulling and we're praying, and because of you, we truly want to say thank you for supporting our American dream. That's it and that's all biggie smiles. If you found value in today's show, please return the favor and leave a positive review. Share it with someone that is important to you. Hit, subscribe and help us grow our tribe. Are you interested in sponsoring the show? Maybe you're looking to be a guest on the show? Find all that you need to know about the show at share the struggle podcast Dot com. Subscribe to grow our tribe on Apple podcast, spotify, google podcast, amazon music, iheart radio and all other major platforms, and don't forget to like and share our official Facebook page at share the struggle podcast. If you're a loud, proud American and you find yourself just wanting more, you can find me on YouTube, on Facebook or the face page, as my mama calls it, just search loud, proud American. If you're a fan of a gram cracker the Instagram or the tickety-tock With the kids be a tickety-tockin the tick tock. You can search on Facebook, instagram or the tickety-tock with the kids be a tickety-tockin the tick tock. You can search loud, underscore, proud, underscore American. If you want to join the 2% of Americans that support American manufacturing, head on over to www loud, proud American dot shop and get your hands on some of that made in USA apparel and join the mission mission 2%. Together we can bring back American manufacturing. A big old thank you to the boys from the gut truckers for the background beats and the theme song to share the struggle podcast. You can find the gut truckers on Facebook. Just search gut truckers and show your support to those mother truckers. I I truly thank you for supporting my American dream. Now go wash your fucking hands, your filthy savage.
