Facing Loss and Finding Hope 176

Life changes in the blink of an eye. One week, we are recording an upbeat episode full of optimism. The next week, my world stops and I'm left in a pool of tears asking why, as I face the darkest days of my life, I'm struggling to record, but I'm willing to give it a try. Let me tell you something Everybody struggles. The difference is some people choose to go through it and some choose to grow through it. The choice is completely yours. Which one you choose will have a very profound effect on the way you live your life. If you find strength in the struggle, then this podcast is for you. You have a relationship that is comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. Uncomfortable conversations challenge you, humble you and they build you. When you sprinkle a little time and distance on it, it all makes sense. Most disagreements, they stem from our own insecurities. You are right where you need to be. Ooh, ooh, ooh. We are doing our absolute best to be back with you today. I want to start off by saying that it's easier to be here and to record today because of the support of so many of you that do listen week to week, that already know the story, know the journey, know the struggles and have been reaching out really all along the way, but have been checking it in your own way. Many of you listening right now have already been through what it is that I'm going through. My wife's been through this stuff already. It's just been comforting to hear from so many of you. We started this show, this podcast, to unite each other, to help each other, to comfort each other, to share struggles with each other. It's been surprising to me how much it's helped me along the way and that so many of you have reached out to help me when it's really supposed to be the other way. It's crazy the community, the family that we've made here at Share the Struggle Podcast. I just want to say thank you to all of you. Thanks, I truly appreciate you. I don't really know the best way to go about this and I'm not prepared to tell all the details and to get into all of that. I am, but I'm not. The reason why I would say that I'm not is that I'm saving a lot of the best moments and memories of this process to share at my dad's service. I'm going to do the best I can to bring you guys up to speed, up to pace here, because I know you want to nail, because I've heard from so many of you. Just a couple of weeks ago we had a great show and we talked about how positive things work. Because you got that positive ball of momentum, because you just got that one little bit of positive news. We had that positive news that my dad was doing good. I got that phone call and we've been working so hard to do things for him. We just wanted to get his to-do list done. Absolutely. We've been just doing a bunch of different things for him and organizing and cleaning and burning stuff and cutting stuff and just doing all kinds of stuff. There were times where I said I really hope he gets to come home and see this. But we're doing all these things and we had this big ball of positive energy, went out and bought a fucking school bus because we were just feeling so good about things that my dad's going to be coming home. If you asked me a month ago, I would tell you there's no way he's going to make it home. If you asked me that week, I'd tell you there's no way he wasn't going to be home. We were riding high on positivity. If we go back to a Friday a week ago we went in, talked to him. He was having a good day. We met with some doctors that said we want to get him to rehab. He might go to rehab this weekend. I should say the big obstacle we have is he's in a $50,000 bed, this Cadillac of a bed that no rehab is going to have this. We got to transition into a regular bed and they did that and that was going good. A wound specialist came in on Friday and said I'd really like to keep him here over the weekend because he had a sore and they wanted to make sure that was okay by Monday or so. Today two doctors signed off on my dad getting transferred. I know one was a general surgeon, I think the other one was I don't know if it was a gastro or cardiology. He said he's okay to go to rehab. The wound specialist was still working on some things. He thought it might be another day or two. In this process my dad has had a bone biopsy, oncology test, a cancer test. The doctors basically knew he had some form of cancer because his white blood cell count was like a thousand. Some numbers were way off. His platelets were at like a 20. Those numbers would tell you that he does have some form of cancer. The form of cancer that they were expecting him to have was something that they said hey, it has at least a three to a five year prognosis. They said I don't think it's going to ruin the quality of his life. He's nearly 80. I said to myself we told my old man he's got three to five years left. He'd tell you, I've been telling you that for years. We felt okay about it. They felt so strongly about this cancer that they said I asked him about the results and they said you probably won't even hear from us. He probably began rehab and an oncology team closer to their home would call you. You won't even hear from us. That's how unworried they were about this. They also said we have been holding off to do the test because we didn't want to start another infection. We also know we're not going to treat this here. It's going to be okay. Well, that's what we thought. Then I believe it was Wednesday evening my mom got a phone call that they said it's leukemia, it's AML, it's acute. What is it? Monocytic or something? Leukemia, aml? My mom wasn't even off the phone with them and I was already doctor Google over here looking at things. Obviously, that's never the right choice to go on Google, but it was pretty obvious. As soon as I did, I said this isn't good. My mom got off the phone and she's like what does this mean by that? I was like I don't, this is a lot worse than we expected. For that evening we took comfort in one thing the cancer team that was talking to my mom said If you come in tomorrow when we're on rounds, we'll stop and chat with you. They didn't schedule anything and, like I said to my mom, I was like, hey, they didn't ask us to get the family together and have a meeting. So that told me that, like all right, we're gonna treat this and we're gonna figure this out. I'm not expecting my dad to have 10 years, you know. So we'll get through this. And the next morning we show up and I heard he was being transferred to a cancer treatment floor.

Yep seven floor at me Med.

Which we've been on that side of the hospital and it's really nice and I'm like, all right, this is okay. And the lady that came in from the cancer team basically just punched me square in the face and you started talking and I said wait a minute, you guys aren't gonna treat this. And she just looked at me and I was like, I mean, are you here to talk to me about hospice? And she said well, that's where this conversation's going. Yeah, so we can't do anything for your dad. The chemo that we would do would kill him faster than the cancer would.

Yeah.

And she said this is really about just keeping him comfortable. And then you guys just told me he was going to rehab, you know, and we had all those discussions, slash arguments about that, and I left the room after a little bit because I just couldn't breathe and I was talking to you about it. And I went back in and my dad said Buck, did you hear? I said yeah, dad, I heard, and he said cancer. Now it's fucking cancer. If it's not one thing, it's another. Now it's cancer. And he just held my hand and said oh well, I'll be fine.

I'll always be fine. That's what he always used to say.

I watched my old man cut his hand off. No exaggeration, no, and say I'll be fine.

Blanket right off.

Well, my mom called me and I ran over there and he was squirting blood all over the place and holding his hand together with a T-shirt and he said no worry Buck, I'll be fine.

Always.

Bleeding all over the truck. I'll be fine, sure you will, dad. So that was tough and we came home and thought about a lot of things and we went into it say you met, you know, we're not going right to hospice. Let's figure this out and let's see what another day brings. And I think that phone call came in on a Tuesday night because then Wednesday we had that first meeting and then Thursday they moved him to the new floor and Thursday we went in there and sat with the lady and she came in in the morning and she says how does he look? What do you guys, how do you think he's doing? And I said actually a lot better.

Yeah, obviously he looked great, he had a great like complexion.

He was for like alert, I guess you could say, yeah, he was a lot more coherent. I mean, it's still say some crazy stuff, but he was. That's just his personality in general, but yeah, but I mean like he still had some, like you know, delirious moments, you know. But he was the most coherent he'd been in a while and I said we weren't having conversations with him in between naps, like he was alert and awake. I said honestly I think he looks a lot better.

He seems more comfortable.

And she said well, unfortunately we think he's doing a lot worse, and so I can know you can't see it. But so I was just kind of blown away by that. I thought we were kind of turning on the corner and I thought if my old man had an opportunity to prove himself, that he didn't show them how much he can fight, that that they would say you know, you guys are right, we're gonna do something here, we're gonna try this.

But so many factors had to be turned around and do a 360 liver enzymes, platelets, blood count, kidneys, everything, all had to be completely turned around like a complete 360, unfortunately, Even after all that, you know, we all chatted and said that he deserves a few more days to figure this out and to show us that there's a miracle possible.

Because if anybody can believe and achieve it, it's gonna be my old man. And I thought that if he found out, like really, really process this that he would figure it out and it had been hard because he would try for us but he would hide it. You know, like he would eat something. You'd bring him something and he'd try to eat it and then like his first excuse was that's from the hospital, I don't want it. And then when you would bring him something in, he would eat it until you weren't looking, and then he would spit it and something and like hide it, like he wasn't doing anything really to help himself. He wasn't getting out of bed, you know.

He hadn't eaten like a full solid meal in like a month, you know, and that's when he had his feeding tube.

Yeah, we decided that you know he can, let's give him some time, we're not ready to go to hospice here and we also really wanted to bring him home. That's something that we knew he wanted to do. But I kept questioning also the fact of, like, I wanted to be comfortable and this was a lot. I mean, my dad had an ostomy, you know, and he had open sores on his back and he had all of these other you know things that were taken care of and and I also knew that at this moment I don't think he knows where home is, and but we still wanted to give him that chance. And when we were leaving Thursday night, I had a. I had a. I had an amazing moment. I had an amazing moment with my old man, Probably one of the most raw, honest, special conversations I've ever had in my life, Just me and him, and I'm not going to share that today, but it was one of the hardest things ever and I I still have the hardest time, even repeating it. And the next morning I had some appointments and you went with my mom and you picked up my dad's sister and my aunt, Helen, your sister, your dad's sister and aunt Helen. No, my dad's sister, my aunt Helen.

Oh, I thought he said aunt on it.

No, so I had you know, you had messaged me and basically said that your dad's so at peace today, he's comfortable, he's in a good mood.

It was in a great place.

And I knew that. But you could tell him something one day and he'd forget at the next space of everything. But I just knew he remembered that conversation and it was really nice to see him at peace.

I him and I have a different kind of relationship. It's like a father-daughter kind of relationship, but a little rough around the edges and so I had those moments with him where I was, you know, giving him crap and he was giving it back, and it was really awesome just to have those moments with him, to know the outcome, but embrace those moments that we were having right then in there.

Yeah, he, um, who's definitely himself. When I walked in, he was, you know he was, he was, he was happy. I mean when I walked in he was slouched over and and sleeping and didn't look good right. When he woke up he was happy and everything was great. But just like you're looking and you're like man, my old man is really sick. And as soon as I sat down, you guys started talking to me that my dad's gallbladder was infected and needed to be removed.

Yeah, the surgeon came in because we kept him at a full code and not a DNR that the surgeon came in and said if he was a healthy man, I have to take his gallbladder immediately. It is very inflamed and very taken over, unfortunately, yeah they.

their options were to remove the gallbladder to put a drain in, so it would be another surgery, you know, if we were going to keep him holding on. And then one of the head doctors on that floor came in and said that you know, we can. Just you don't have to make a decision right now. We're just going to keep him on the antibiotics and that'll, that'll fight. What's going on for the moment? I mean, my dad's been on so much antibiotics. At one moment he had E coli in his lungs. He's dealt with some real serious stuff and at that moment I just I said I'd we can't keep doing this.

Yeah.

You know he's, he's, he's fighting for us, you know, and it's. I don't think it's fair to him. By this time you guys had already met with hospice. Yeah, and they were. They wanted to take him right away.

Yeah, we, we had a consult with them first thing in the morning. They came in and the hospice nurse or director, I guess she is came in and spoke with your mom and your mom kind of gave, gave them information. They pulled the chart and went and spoke with the doctor at hospice and basically said, yeah, get him here, get him to my facility as soon as you can. Yeah, it's basically what happened. So Caroline came in and she said you know, we can go now, I will, I will schedule it now. And you hadn't been there yet. And your mom and I looked to each other and said absolutely not, absolutely not. We're not doing this, because one of the things that you specifically said is we're not ready for that, let's give him some time. And that was on Thursday and Friday. Friday she was ready to move, but we weren't ready to move. We said, no, we, we want to take some time. And that was a concern for her. She had a concerned look on her face and you know we had met with oncologist as well and let her know what the what the status was and that we wanted to wait over the weekend. And the concerned look on every one of their faces was the concern that we were going to lose him in the hospital, and that was one of the biggest things that he did not want. He didn't want to even be in the fucking hospital, let alone die in the hospital.

They were pushing, since they read the results to us that he needed to move to hospice.

They were pushing also for a DNR, the entire time, and we were.

we just didn't want him to die in the hospital.

Don't change that.

Yeah, don't change it. Once we started talking when we got there and he was that sick and he looked that sick, and that's when I said that you know, because my mom wanted to go another few days as well, you know and I said I don't, I'm scared here, I'm really scared that something could happen in the hospital and we won't, we won't be here with him because at hospice we can spend the night and right. So you had, you had called Caroline about him going and they were making arrangements. But we wanted him to be fully aware and understanding of the situation and we had the head oncologist come in and speak with him and inform him of what was going on. And I'm glad that they had the conversation with my old man and I'm glad that he understood and I'm glad he responded, and only the way that he would. But it's a conversation that I'll never forget the rest of my life.

Yeah.

It's something that, uh, it'll haunt me forever. She talked to my dad about um, you've been in the hospital for, uh, you know, a month and a half. We've done all these tests. It's been um issue after issue, right, all these fires keep popping up. And, um, you're real sick and we don't think that what we're doing is actually helping you anymore. And um, you now have leukemia. And um, she told him that he was, that he was dying and uh, they don't want his last days to be like this and they want him to be comfortable, and that they've made arrangements to for him to uh go to hospice. And uh, he had this. Just look on his face and just said what do you want to?

what do you want to? Say to me Do you have any questions? Anything.

My old man said what the fuck do you want me to say to you?

Yeah.

You just told me I'm fucking dying. Like that hit pretty fucking hard. And then you immediately started to fight like no, I'm not fucking dying. No, you guys are fucking crazy.

If you think I'm going out fighting without a fight, you've lost your damn mind. You've got the wrong fucking person. He says he.

Uh, the whole conversation is, um, something that I'll never forget, because at that moment you're, I start to backpedal. I'm really backpedaling like, no, don't touch him, don't move him, leave him, he's going to beat this. That's my hero, he's. He's beaten everything. When I was a little kid and they told me that we're gonna lose our house, my dad said nope, we'll be fine, don't you worry. And we went through some hard times. We never lost our house. When, when all these different things came up, that was a repeated situation in my life, that you always protected me from those things. And my old man spent my entire life doing right by me and at all costs, and I Just wanted to make sure I was doing right by him and if I had to cause a stink in, start a fucking fire in the middle of the hospital, that's what I was gonna do, you know. And Every one of those doctors and specialists Talked to me and said you need to do this. And I talked to the lady from Hospice and I said Is this people's reaction when they find out? Look, is this, is this common? And she said people don't know when they're going to hospice. This is the first time I've seen somebody actually know what's happening. And that's my old man, yeah you know, and I don't know how many people in that moment would want to know that they're fucking dying. You know what I mean, and maybe that's the that's the wrong thing to do or to think, but my old man's such a tough asshole that he he wants to know what he's facing. He doesn't care what the odds are, he wants to know what it is he wants. to face it head on and she said Just to comfort you, I've I've read his charts and that's why I've been pushing for him to go. If you ask me, he might have days, but I think it's ours.

And that was on Friday.

And Friday was a great day for us. It was the hardest day of my life. It's something that I will never forget, and it's something that Hasn't allowed me to sleep, but occasionally it does, because I think of the positives. You know it, those conversations are Ones that I'm extremely thankful for. On my dad's best day, he was able to tell us what his wishes are. He was able to tell us who he wants to see, who he doesn't want to see.

He was able to tell me, each and every one of us. You know how proud he was, and those things are very hard to come by when I'm starting to learn from your dad, like your dad was very rough around the edges and very to the point and and so for those those heartfelt moments to come up, I'm I'm forever grateful to be able to be a part of those he Fixated on who he wanted to tell the fuck off, because that's my old man's way.

Yeah but I'll never be able to shake the Connection and emotion and what I saw or what I felt from him and my mom man Anytime. My dad was with it over this process. When a doctor would come in, when he knew it was a doctor, he, he would introduce the family and he would. He would go down the line and and he would say this is my beautiful wife, isn't she beautiful? Yeah, and he just started telling everybody how lucky he was and my dad could be having the most awful the times at the hospital. You'd walk in and he'd start freaking out and forget what's happening and where the fuck have you been and what the fuck is this and what the fuck is that? And give me the fuck out of here. And in the minute of that that, as soon as that anxiety stopped, he would just start tearing up and he would just take his hands and call my mom over and hug her and give her a kiss and you know he'd tell a huge sorry or Over. You know that he was scared, that he wanted to get out and and he loved her so much. He On that Friday, just he just kept apologizing to her that I'm sorry I'm leaving you, yeah, and I don't know how I'm gonna do this without you, and he told everybody how beautiful my mom was. He told everybody how much you loved her and loved her since the moment that he saw her he's what he kept saying and I mean ironically, just talking to you know one of his best friends, alan Spencer. He was Telling me that you know your dad had a bad for your mother long before she knew you know, With those moments I won't, I won't forget, you know. And my dad said To me I don't know how I can go on another day without you and I don't, I don't know how I can do this without you. And uh, that tore me up. And when he would, he would say, in one minute, I'm okay with it, is he hard enough? In front of all of us, whatever, yeah, fuck it, I'm fine. And then he would show those moments where he was, you know, really scared and nervous about things. And Then he said Just give me two more days with buck, just give me two more days. And my son I had conversations with him about, you know, with so many things, and and my mom and Helen would ask like, is there anything you want to? You want to tell him did anything he needs to know? and Every time buck knows he knows and he said he knows everything he knows everything and he said there's nothing left for me to teach it. I feel like there is. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, so I feel like there is, but he felt that we we had a moment where we were good. And as much as I've questioned all of this and everything, the the comforting thing is that when he arrived at hospice and we were there waiting for him, he didn't see us, but I heard them ask him if he needed anything and he said just knowing I'm here, I'm comfortable. So I knew that that was the right choice, even though I know that I will spend the rest of my days thinking about it. But While you're at hospice if anybody's ever been there or experienced anything like this there's a little book they put on the table. That kind of like gives you like this chronological Timeline as to what you can expect for somebody Like life and how close they're getting to the end. And as I was reading through this book, it starts off, you know, with like the months and things like that. And as I was reading through it, I would Go through like a chapter and say like well, that was, that was. I was a month ago.

Yep.

That was.

That was three weeks ago a book was to a tee like I did?

he did that a couple weeks ago when I got down to the, to the Final section, and I knew and I had days and hours. Yeah, I had my mom read it when you showed up. You like what this book and I said you read that and tell me which section you think he's on. I didn't ask you till we got home. Yeah, and it was, ours was days to ours, yep as to what he was doing.

Yeah, and that thing, just that book explains like you know, you have a burst of energy, you ask for your favorite food. You're pretty clear-headed, all these sort of things it's and it's called gone from my sight.

Yeah, when we Read that I knew those was another thing of comforting that, okay, I made the right decision and and I know we're not gonna dig into all of those details from that weekend but it allowed. It allowed so many people to come in and to see him and People to show up that I didn't even expect to you. You know Ryan clear, he's one of my best friends. I haven't talked to him I Don't know five months or so. Yeah and he called me, said where are you? I told him you open the door open and he walked in and he was by my side. The rest of it, dave Rogers and Alicia showed up. There's a lot of family that didn't show up, that had the opportunity to show up, but but my friends did. Chessman was, you know, right there with me, jared St, I'll just all those guys, yep, that have known him since they were kids, since they were little boys and I got dad to him and and looked, looked up to him and they were right there and you know we've had a Strange situation with our family and there's been some disown it there, but I took great comfort in knowing there's four other boys that my dad health raised. That's a thank you for fuck, you know, and I have a special and all the people that reached out and all the time, and His grandkids and everything you know it was, it was, it was, it was good and I'm not gonna share the details of of what happened. Don't think that's because I'm afraid to share them, because I'm not and and I'm proud to share them and I will at a later date, but that's something I'm holding on to. Special for my, my dad, to do something special for him. But November 19th, 744 in the morning, I Said goodbye to one of my best friends, a Role model, my hero since I came on this earth For her disciplinarian but the biggest heart you ever met. November 19th was painful and fitting.

Yeah.

It's one more thing that you and I will share forever. You know, obviously, this whole process we you've been right there with me, and my dad looks at you as one of his own, um, but now it's one more date that forever in time connects us.

Yep, november 19th, 16 years ago, is a day that I lost my best friend. It's the day that my mom my mom died, and uh. So, as we're sitting in a hospice, I didn't leave until probably about one am.

Yeah.

On the 19th, my um, I just started to get uncomfortable and, uh, I knew what day it was and it was very, very hard for me already.

Um.

I think just seeing seeing your dad at hospice, knowing what the outcome is, it tore me to shreds to know that you're going to experience very soon what I had had to go through and what I had to experience when I was just 17 years old to know that you're about to lose your best friend, your world is about to crumble, you're not going to know what way is up. That's the one thing that I couldn't protect you from has. It just tore me to shreds. And when I got that phone call at seven in the morning, my heart just just crashed. I knew the outcome, but I was so scared for you. So afraid for you Cause I know the steps that I had to go through to find comfort that everything was going to be okay. It was such a long process for me and November 19th creeps up on me every single time. Yeah, it's um something.

I if you guys have been listening to this podcast for a while now, you know that we believe very heavily in signs, and I think that that was one more step. We believe very heavily in signs and I think that that was one more sign to show us that, uh, we are um supposed to be together and that, um, that was another sign of comfort, you know, and um, some way of of uh saying that, um, that your grandmother the one that you consider your mother and and my dad are now connected, you know, and that they're going to meet and she's going to, she's going to thank him for being there to help raise you, um, and he's going to thank her for everything that she did for you that brought you to me. And, uh, it's just one more day that that we're connected. You know, there's so many times that we've said that we were supposed to meet and didn't. There were so many times where we were at the same place, at the, just a few minutes later than than one another. You know, and um, this is just one more example of that and, um, I think it was just one more way to let us know like you guys are going to be safe. You know, and um, and I believe that, and and, and I'll always believe that, and, uh, I was going to save the story as to what happened to us, um, on Monday for um, the actual service, but, um, I think, to the people that listen, I'd like to end this podcast with something positive and, uh, you know, I just think it's, uh, it's fitting I don't like to uh just make everything a heart wrenching scenario and and that there is positives there. And you know, and I know that, like the positive of your grandmother and my dad, they finally met he met her before I did. You know, and um, the and being back with his family, that he's lost his sons, his parents. You know my dad's gone like 66 years or 56 years or so without his dad. You know, I've only gone a few days, so I could imagine um, but uh, monday morning, the first morning that we woke up knowing that my dad wasn't here anymore, we had a meeting at Cody funeral home, you, my mom and I, and we went out to do the barn chores and turn the horse out and do everything. And uh, I was um coming out of the field and I bent over to um plug in the electric fence and I heard you having a conversation with yourself.

Yeah, I uh looked up in the sky and I said I said you came back as a fucking hawk. A hawk, come on, come on. And when I used to um banter back and forth about whether a big bird in the sky was a hawk or a turkey vulture, and I was like you came back as a hawk and uh, to my surprise it was not a hawk. It was not a hawk at all, it was more majestic than that. The it turned uh towards Keith and I and there it was a bald, fucking eagle. I don't know how much more majestic you can get, but man was a bald eagle.

I said, no, that's a, that's going to be a fucking hawk. And I looked up because you guys have been arguing about this forever, and and um, I looked up and was staring trying to figure it out in a turn and it was a fucking bald eagle.

Yep, I said no. Look look at his white head and his white tail. That's an eagle. That is a bald eagle right there flying over our house in a Rundle in a Rundle main.

I've lived on this property um between here and across the street for over 41 years, and that's only the second bald eagle I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, we saw the first one with him here and uh. I think it was this summer.

And, um, it literally last summer just sort around looking at the farm, looking at the horse and us and staring at us and just circling around and it went over over the house. My mom was in the house and uh circled around the house and just circled around like protecting us.

Yep.

And, uh, I told you all that we've been working on some stuff from my dad and I said it pains me to think that he'll never see it, and that eagle flew right over the way we were working and it circled around like three times. I just have to say good job, yep, good job. And you were trying to get a hold of my mother and I was. I was walking Underneath the eagle just looking at it and I I said Really pops, a fucking eagle. And I heard you say pray for mom he Flew over and he started to fly out of our sight and my dad. We were talking a little while ago about this big rock we have in the middle of the, the driveway that my dad made a monument for my grandfather, but he backed it over with a pickup truck, snowplow and as you've listened in the podcast. He drives by feel that monument was an eagle that my dad ran over. And then we talked about moving that rock to this tree stump that he cut. And Well, my dad was in the hospital, me and my cousin did that and if you look at the tree, it was a big, massive pine tree and the the base of it was all kind of jagged, the way my dad cut up with a chain saw to get through it. And when we move the rock, my cousin was like, yeah, that rocks all kind of like lumpy and misshapen, and we both were like, but I think it's actually gonna fit and they fit in there, perfect. And I walked over and I sat on that rock and I just started crying and Just started saying that I'm happy he made it and I just I Wanted to know that I've done right by you, you know, and that eagle flew back, just circled us.

Your mom came out and saw it. She saw him in the sky.

We had a bald eagle over our house the first day after losing my oh man for over 10 minutes Just hang it out, just hang it out.

Yeah, and tell me that isn't. Rest assured that he has made it where he where he belongs, to his resting place. And Of course your mom comes out and looks and she says, well, I guess it's a good thing a priest came in. Yeah, let go of all of his sins because he's made it.

You know we we went to the funeral home after and you know, when we were leaving there, my mom said let's get a coffee and go sit with on, helen. Yeah, and he went to get coffee and you never take a receipt never you know who does. I gave us this big long-ass receipt and on the bottom of that receipt there was a number, and that number was on every single one of our coffee cups, because that's the order that we made and we just you guys just had the conversation with my aunt about about angel number leaving these angel numbers, and what was the number that we had on our coffee?

had 999 and the num. The reasoning for 999 is this is the end of a long cycle in A chapter in life. You've learned your lesson and now it's time for you to move on and share your experiences with others.

We have certainly learned a lesson I'm never really gonna move on, but we're gonna. We're gonna keep on, and, and today we've already started to share that story and that lesson with everybody.

Yeah.

For the past few days we've been trying to plan the service and to Give everybody the details and I'm still waiting back on the confirmation on that and I'm not gonna, you know, make this too long of a conversation. But there's one particular person that has been very spiritual and Inspirational to us. That's father neto, that we were really hoping to have him do my dad's service and For all these reasons outside of our control, that hasn't been able to connect. You know him traveling and other you know Obligations and all these things and he doesn't even know we're trying to get ahold of him. You know, like he doesn't really know us, we've just felt something special from him.

Because he just did meh-mah's service and Sherman of the sick.

I just think that Every you know, priest or or anybody involved in the church, they're all special, but some people just have something about them that they just feel Connected. They just feel closer to God and and he's, he's one, and and just being around him just means something. But as all these difficulties on the scheduling thing keeps coming up and how, I keep Analyzing and agonizing over the right decision and what to do for everybody, there's been a reason for that and last night I realized that that reason is that my heart has been set on father neto, but my dad's heart has been set on me and my uncle. So I will plan and host my dad's funeral and I I'll give you guys the days to that and I don't expect anybody listening to to have to make it or anything. But I think if you've been listening since day one and you hear those Stories, you know what I did for my brother and and then this all kind of comes full circle for you, if you're a day one listener and you understand that that is the way my dad would want it, and for you to understand that you know History apparently has a way of repeating itself. But this is this Thanksgiving, this Thanksgiving week and and I want to give thanks to my old man For 41 years, for 41 years Of the absolute best fucking dad I could imagine. I mean, don't get me wrong, you treated me like shit a lot, don't love, until I was maybe 13 or 14 and I thought my name was cocksucker. So I don't wanted to Disturb the peace here and have you think that my dad was very innocent, because he certainly wasn't. Oh, they've heard the stories, but but he did everything he possibly could for me and for and for for our family. He was a tremendous provider for the family and he protected me at all costs and he believed in me more than anybody ever has and he's always seen the best for me. And those are things that you can only hope and pray for in a dad. And so, on this Thanksgiving the first Thanksgiving of my life without sitting across the table from my dad, because I've never missed a holiday with my old man Not one. This would be the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas without him, but I just keep telling myself. But I just keep telling myself that he's out of my sight, but he's always by my side, absolutely, and it's not lost on me that I could have lost him far long ago, right, and I need to be thankful and count my blessings that I did get 41 times around the sun with him, and that's what I'm thankful for.

Absolutely. I'm super thankful for the 10 years that I got with him, 10 years of him taking me in as if I was his own, even down to you know, his last days, he called me his daughter and forever grateful for that, and I'm starting to learn that, as the story starts to come out, that he was thankful thankful for me, for me and you finding each other, knowing that you had a best friend and a partner nearby, just like he did, and I'm forever grateful for all the moments and times that we shared. I'm forever grateful that he never looked at me any differently. He definitely shared with me on any time, but definitely at the end, that he loved me so much and I'll carry that with me for the rest of my life because for the last 10 years he has been my dad and I was certain to make him aware that I was very thankful for that at the end, yeah.

I don't think that I've got any emotion left to give to today's show. Nope.

Just been mentally exhausting. It's been a lot.

It's been an absolute lot, but I personally want to say thank you for supporting author. Oh liberties.

American dream. I'm gonna wash your fucking hands, you filthy savage.

That's it, and that's all big smiles. If you found value in today's show, please return the favor and leave a positive review. Share it with someone that is important to you. Hit, subscribe and help us grow our tribe. Are you interested in sponsoring the show? Maybe you're looking to be a guest on the show? Find all that you need to know about the show at sharethestrucklepodcastcom. Subscribe to Grow Our Tribe on Apple Podcasts, spotify, google Podcasts, amazon Music, iheart Radio and all other major platforms, and don't forget to like and share our official Facebook page at sharethestrucklepodcast. If you're a loud, proud American and you find yourself just wanting more, you can find me on YouTube, on Facebook or the face page, as my mama calls it. Just search loud, proud American. If you're a fan of a Graham cracker, the Instagram or the tickety-tuck with a kid's, via tickety-tucking, the tick-tuck, you can search loud, underscore, proud, underscore American. If you want to join the 2% of Americans that support American manufacturing, head on over to wwwloudproudamericanshop and get your hands on some of that made in USA. Apparel and join the mission, mission 2%. Together, we can bring back American manufacturing. A big old thank you to the boys from the Gut Truckers for the background beats and the theme song that shared the struggle podcast. You can find the Gut Truckers on Facebook. Just search Gut Truckers and show your support to those Gut Truckers. I truly thank you for supporting my American dream. Now go wash your fucking hands, you filthy savage.