Nov. 26, 2025

Grief, Gratitude, And Getting Up

Grief, Gratitude, And Getting Up
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Holidays bring glitter and gravity at the same time. We’re laughing about hot coffee and bulldogs one minute, then staring down the second anniversary of my dad’s passing the next. That’s real life at our place: farm chores, craft fairs, small business hustle, and the quiet question that keeps chasing me—am I still making him proud?

We walk through the messy middle. I talk about avoiding my to-do list because I’m afraid of its size, watching the fences Dad and I built sag, and feeling like I don’t stack up to the man who seemed to do everything. Then Mom gets a surprise video reading from a trusted medium, and detail after detail lands with impossible precision—first dates, favorite songs, a Christmas stocking we’d bought hours earlier, even the TV volume quirks she never mentioned. That validation cracks something open. We finally watch the tribute video I made for his service. It wrecks me in the best possible way.

That night a dream arrives with steel-toe boots and an unshakable presence. I’m overwhelmed by bills and fear, and Dad walks up the stairs like he used to, hands me a look that burns brighter than words, and tells me everything without saying a thing: get up. From there we talk about practical hope—naming grief without feeding it, writing the list, accepting help, honoring signs without needing to control them, and choosing to live a life worthy of the people who loved us into being. If you’ve lost someone and still scan the sky for a sign, this conversation is for you.

If this episode gives you a little courage or a little comfort, share it with someone who needs it. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: what’s a sign that makes you feel your people are still with you?

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00:00 - Holiday Kickoff And Gratitude

02:45 - Festive Banter And Community Shoutouts

06:30 - Life On The Farm And The Dog Dilemma

13:20 - Business Prep And Support Local

17:50 - Facing Dad’s Anniversary And Self-Doubt

24:30 - Signs, Eagles, And Seeking Validation

30:20 - The Medium’s Reading For Mom

38:10 - Watching The Tribute And Breaking Open

43:30 - The Dream: Asking Dad If I Can Do This

51:00 - Meaning, Grief, And Choosing Hope

56:00 - Thanksgiving Blessings And Farewell

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00:00:02.799 --> 00:00:07.839
The holiday season has begun with episode 281.

00:00:08.080 --> 00:00:13.599
On the eve of Thanksgiving, we find ourselves grateful, nostalgic, and optimistic.

00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:15.519
It's a powerful encounter.

00:00:15.759 --> 00:00:20.719
Two years after my father's passing shakes me to my core.

00:00:20.879 --> 00:00:25.920
All that and more on this week's episode of Share the Struggle Podcast.

00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:27.519
Let me tell you something.

00:00:27.760 --> 00:00:28.960
Everybody struggles.

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The difference is some people choose to go through it and some choose to grow through it.

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The choice is completely yours.

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Which one you choose will have a very profound effect on the way you live your life.

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Almighty am I so excited to be back with you?

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Oh, it is true.

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It is damn true.

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Why?

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Because I love you, Boo.

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Episode 281, the holiday season has officially begun.

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I think it's already begun around here.

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As y'all know, I've been doing craft fairs for a couple of weeks already.

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So uh, you know, I'm I'm feeling I'm feeling quite festive.

00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:04.319
I'm like Uncle Festive over here, okay?

00:02:04.640 --> 00:02:08.080
But uh for everybody else, it has begun.

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This episode of the podcast drops on the eve of Thanksgiving.

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Thanksgiving Eve, boys and girls, chipmunks and squirrels.

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You know the holiday where we all gather around, give thanks, and fill ourselves up till we about throw up, okay?

00:02:23.680 --> 00:02:26.400
That wasn't the great analogy there, but it is what it is.

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And then it's also it's it's the major holiday for me.

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It is food and football, giving thanks, counting blessings, enjoying Thanksgiving dinner, and watching the Dallas Cowboys who for years have been ruining holidays for me.

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But I'm gonna hope and pray for a good year this year.

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Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

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Before we get rocking and rolling, I must give thanks to each and every one of you because of you.

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We continue to line up week after week and keep this consecutive streak, 281 episodes in the books.

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You can find them all on ShareTheStruggle Podcast.com or on all major podcasting platforms and providers.

00:03:10.240 --> 00:03:12.159
But I truly, truly want to say thank you.

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It's because of each and every one of you that we continue to do this show.

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So as I gather around my family table, I will certainly be counting y'all as some blessings and giving thanks for each and every one of you.

00:03:25.039 --> 00:03:35.360
It means so much to me that you continue to dial in, to tune in, to listen in, and so many of you check in often and just kind of share thoughts and recaps on episodes and all those good things.

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So thank you to each and every one of you.

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Also, welcome a few new listeners.

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I want to welcome into the club Pence in Alabama.

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Roll tide?

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Pence in Alabama in the house and Hitchin Headfortshire.

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I don't even know.

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Hertfordshire.

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Hitchin Hertfordshire.

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I'm an idiot.

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And um, when you hear me pronounce where you're from, you might second guess yourself on the decision to tune in and listen to me.

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But I truly hope that my public education that went only as far as my parents' taxpaying dollars would take me doesn't offend you from sticking around.

00:04:15.199 --> 00:04:26.399
The fact that I can't read and pronounce your home town hopefully doesn't keep you from sticking around because I've been through it, I've grown through it, and I have overcome all of it.

00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:49.680
And uh I'm not saying that my story or my journey is greater than anybody else's, but what I am saying is I'm bold enough and transparent enough to gather here week after week and to share it because I know whatever it is I'm going through, whatever it is you are growing through, and we have the courage, boys and girls, chipmunk and squirrels, to say it, to share it, to put it out there into the universe, then there is growth from those stories, from those struggles.

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We can all find a way out.

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Success leaves clues.

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That's a power trip for y'all right there.

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That's a that's a power, powerful, powerful opening to the show because I'm drinking hot coffee, which uh man, my wife hates it when I do that, which is probably why I do it.

00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:12.160
Don't tell her.

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Oh, wait, she's probably gonna listen to this.

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I say hot coffee because I don't drink hot coffee very much.

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I only do it in the winter season or if I find myself uh either cold or desperate during the during the you know peak months.

00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:32.319
But uh it feels like the holidays when I start dipping into some hot coffee.

00:05:32.399 --> 00:05:36.240
So y'all ever change your caffeine and then it just hits different, you know what I mean?

00:05:36.399 --> 00:05:42.160
Mix up what you're having, uh switching to a hot coffee, it's bringing the heat, no pun intended.

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So anyway, here I am, folks.

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Um we've got kind of a let's call it a in the in the theme of Thanksgiving.

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Let's call it a cornucopia of episodes today.

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We got ourselves a real cornucopia of a show today.

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Because um I have some heartfelt things, some funny things, and just uh random things to share with each and every one of you.

00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:05.839
And it starts with my dog being an idiot.

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Would you just find a home for yourself?

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Good lord.

00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:18.319
These dogs will sleep all day until I try to do anything, and then bada bing, bada boom, they're the loudest two in the room.

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Okay, so I'm gonna go down on this tangent because this is a big part of my day today.

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We uh we have two dogs.

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If y'all don't know the scenario here, we have uh a horse, Spirit, and we have a pig, Winston, we have uh two bulldogs.

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We have a French Bulldog, Presley, we have a um English Bulldog, Folsom, we have a cat named Cassius, and my mom here on the property has a yellow lab named Maggie and a French Bulldog named Tater.

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That's our that's our crop here, okay?

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That's the herd that we have assembled.

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And over the past few years, I have said, being, mind you, disclosure, full disclosure, being somebody that has always grown up with dogs.

00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:05.120
I don't remember a moment in time of my life we didn't have at least one dog.

00:07:05.439 --> 00:07:10.000
Actually, there was a good portion of my my childhood where me and my father raised hunting dogs.

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So I've come accustomed to there always being dogs around.

00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:20.800
And me and my wife came to the decision listen, when these two see their way out of here, we're not bringing another one in here.

00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:21.600
This is it for me.

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I'm done with dogs.

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Well, that has been my steadfast decision.

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I have not wavered from said decision.

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I do not regret putting that statement out into the universe.

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Now, that brings you to today.

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Because last week, a great friend of mine, somebody that uh I love and appreciate and hold dear to myself and my family, feels that same way about him.

00:07:44.480 --> 00:07:46.959
He will give the shirt off his back to help someone.

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He stopped living the life that he wanted to live and uprooted himself from down south to up north to take care of one of his best friends, probably his actually I could say best friend, who was dying with cancer.

00:08:00.240 --> 00:08:03.839
He put his life on hold to come up here and take care of him.

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And he's been here the entire time since.

00:08:06.720 --> 00:08:17.360
And uh it's time for him to go home, and um, he really wants to leave, and he's not sure the exact direction and what his plan is, but he wants to go back down south, rightfully so.

00:08:17.519 --> 00:08:20.959
That's where he that's where he was living before his friend got sick.

00:08:21.199 --> 00:08:30.399
And um, with that said, he has a very beautiful English bulldog that um we've we've met him since he was a pup, right?

00:08:30.480 --> 00:08:33.759
He's come over here and played on the lawn and hung out since he was a pup.

00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:52.639
Um he sat in the parking lot with me selling t-shirts at Bentley Saloon, and um my friend reached out and said, Listen, man, um I gotta do some life-changing, I gotta make some moves, and I would really like to know if uh your daughter can have my dog.

00:08:55.679 --> 00:08:56.960
You son of a bitch.

00:08:57.039 --> 00:08:59.440
You low blow son of a bitch.

00:08:59.919 --> 00:09:00.879
Your daughter?

00:09:01.120 --> 00:09:03.120
I'm gonna kick your ass, man.

00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:10.799
So after a lot of debate, mass debate, shall I say, uh, a lot of in-depth conversation over this.

00:09:11.519 --> 00:09:13.279
And uh I gotta be honest, man.

00:09:13.679 --> 00:09:15.759
We have a modest living scenario.

00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:18.080
We live in an in-law above a garage.

00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:20.080
My mom has the big farmhouse next door.

00:09:20.240 --> 00:09:23.759
So there's my wife, my baby, and two dogs here right now.

00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:26.720
Welcoming a third is gonna make this rather difficult.

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But after a lot of uh thought and consideration, we really want to be there for our friend because he would always be there for us.

00:09:32.639 --> 00:09:38.960
And uh, I truly do honestly know that he really wants this to be um little Paisley's dog.

00:09:39.120 --> 00:09:45.279
So what we're gonna do is our old English bulldog, our our he's not old English, he's English, but he's old.

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You know what I'm saying?

00:09:46.320 --> 00:09:48.399
He's having a hard time getting up and down the stairs.

00:09:48.480 --> 00:09:58.000
We're gonna relocate his kennel to our heated garage, which is our basement, and uh he's gonna spend days up here and stuff, but it's getting tougher for him to go up and down the stairs.

00:09:58.159 --> 00:09:59.840
He likes hanging out in the garage.

00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:03.279
We're gonna set up a uh a boys' pad down there.

00:10:03.360 --> 00:10:09.600
They've already got TVs and couches and uh all that good stuff and uh and heat, and they're gonna hang out down there.

00:10:09.759 --> 00:10:20.720
And um, to prevent the fights and um the jealousy, I think the the lady of the group, um, Presley the Frenchie is gonna kind of roam around upstairs at night.

00:10:20.879 --> 00:10:22.639
We're gonna have the two boys sleep together.

00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:25.840
That'll help the young one get acclimated to surroundings.

00:10:26.080 --> 00:10:27.759
This all sounds good in theory.

00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:42.639
I don't really know how this is all gonna go, but the truth is, as soon as I'm done recording here with y'all today, uh we're loading the family up, and uh we're heading to a few towns south to uh welcome a new member to the family.

00:10:42.799 --> 00:10:44.879
So uh going to cook up another English bowl.

00:10:45.279 --> 00:10:49.519
I said I would never do it, but uh what do they say about kids?

00:10:49.679 --> 00:10:50.799
They always get what they want.

00:10:51.039 --> 00:10:55.919
Have they ever said that, or am I just saying that so that I can justify what's happening here?

00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:58.000
But that's what's happening.

00:10:58.320 --> 00:11:00.159
So, man, that's a confessional.

00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:01.600
What is the Cavela's catalog?

00:11:01.759 --> 00:11:07.360
I just put my left hand on that catalog, beat the little eyes of this guy, the truth from this guy.

00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:09.039
I've lost all control of my house.

00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:09.440
Okay?

00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:11.440
I've lost all control of my house.

00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:14.559
It's true.

00:11:14.879 --> 00:11:15.840
It's damn true.

00:11:15.919 --> 00:11:17.759
I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do.

00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:18.720
Man.

00:11:19.360 --> 00:11:20.879
And I'm rambling at this point.

00:11:20.960 --> 00:11:34.000
I know I have a lot of things in my on my mind that I want to put out there today, but I'm actually well over caffeinated and um under a timeline, under a crunch, and um looking forward to a holiday brunch.

00:11:34.080 --> 00:11:34.799
You know what I'm saying?

00:11:34.879 --> 00:11:36.960
Everything's everything's going crazy.

00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:42.399
We uh had there's been a lot of moving parts here at the Liberty Ponderosa.

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I'm gonna have the wife join me next week and share some of that with you.

00:11:45.600 --> 00:11:56.159
But there's been a lot of moving parts over here, and Loud Pride America in the business is trying to prepare for the holiday season, getting ready for Black Friday, getting ready for uh small business Saturday.

00:11:56.320 --> 00:11:58.720
I'm gonna put this out there to you guys right now.

00:11:58.879 --> 00:12:02.159
Please, please, please pay attention to our socials.

00:12:02.320 --> 00:12:07.519
Take advantage of some great deals and help provide Christmas for my family over here, okay?

00:12:07.759 --> 00:12:11.039
Just uh get out there and support Loud Proud American.

00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:16.720
Don't forget the best gifts you can give this holiday season are proudly made in the US of A.

00:12:17.279 --> 00:12:17.600
Okay?

00:12:18.159 --> 00:12:21.039
Find all those things over to loudproudamerican.shop.

00:12:21.200 --> 00:12:23.279
Get yourself something really nice.

00:12:23.360 --> 00:12:27.759
But look, look for some activity coming up there um for the end of the week.

00:12:27.919 --> 00:12:29.120
So be ready.

00:12:29.360 --> 00:12:40.080
You're gonna be pounded in the face with information for me in the next coming weeks over Loud Proud American and uh as we try to position ourselves for the best holiday season we could possibly have.

00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:41.679
So looking forward to that.

00:12:41.759 --> 00:12:46.559
But those are some of the moving parts in the background, getting a lot of farm stuff done outside.

00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:51.679
Um, again, I want to say some things that have been happening around here, but I'm gonna wait to share those with the wife.

00:12:51.840 --> 00:13:04.399
But what I am gonna say to y'all is that last week, after I recorded um last week's episode, episode 280, uh, the very next day, actually, was my father's anniversary.

00:13:04.559 --> 00:13:08.080
It was my father's death date anniversary, two years later.

00:13:08.240 --> 00:13:14.480
Um, if you guys have been listening along, then you know it's also the anniversary of Ellie's grandmother's passing.

00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:24.320
Um same date, different years, but it's um it's a difficult day for all of us here for multiple reasons.

00:13:24.480 --> 00:13:31.039
And um, this year happens to be uh year two, the second year since my father's passing.

00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:41.840
And I really feel like now that I look back on it, and as I always like to say, when you sprinkle time and distance on it, things kind of make sense, right?

00:13:41.919 --> 00:13:53.679
Things start to come clear, the picture starts to make sense, and um I didn't realize this, but last year I felt the same way, not even realizing the date as it built up and got closer and closer.

00:13:53.840 --> 00:13:55.360
I found myself struggling.

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I found myself doing things that my father would do, but I found myself struggling to add up to what my father used to do.

00:14:03.600 --> 00:14:11.919
I find myself with a lot of um imposter syndrome, I find myself self-sabotaging, I find myself full of self-doubt.

00:14:12.480 --> 00:14:26.559
And um lo and behold, here I am again, folks, because I really went through um some difficult times of struggle and and deep thought.

00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:32.720
And I spent a lot of time just really assessing who I am and where I am.

00:14:32.960 --> 00:14:38.960
And you guys have been listening along, you know that I'm proud of the business, and all those things are great, and we're having those conversations.

00:14:40.240 --> 00:14:44.639
But in the background, there's something else, it's not just the business, it's just life, right?

00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:47.440
It's looking around at all the things me and my father built.

00:14:47.600 --> 00:14:52.080
We built so much horse fence around here, and it's all starting to collapse.

00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:59.600
Um, we used hardwood, but we've had a lot of wet seasons, and our fences are starting to cave in, and there's a lot of overall maintenance out there.

00:14:59.679 --> 00:15:29.120
There's barn maintenance that needs to happen, driveway maintenance, lawn, fields, all these different things, and stuff that me and my dad used to do, but it's also a painful symbol when days before your father's anniversary, his death anniversary, days before the last time, two years ago that you held your father's hand, you look outside and you see a project that you spent so much time together on, tipped over in the field, and you gotta run out there and pick it back up before you can even let the horse out.

00:15:29.759 --> 00:15:35.840
That symbolism of those things dying has really picked away at me.

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It shooed away at me.

00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:48.000
And I'm also somebody that is normally, I will say this, I'm not a real organized individual, but I am pretty efficient when it comes to getting my things done.

00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:52.879
And part of the way of doing that is being organized and having my task list, my to-do list.

00:15:53.039 --> 00:16:01.200
If you guys have been listening through all the years, you know that I like to write everything down and I get a real kick out of taking that highlighter and crossing it off the list.

00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:07.360
That real dopamine kick, that satisfaction breakdown that I get as soon as I can scrub something off the list.

00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:15.919
And I have all these different highlighters for different colors for different days, so I can look down at that at that sheet of paper and go, well, buddy, that's a lot of yellow today.

00:16:16.080 --> 00:16:16.399
Okay?

00:16:16.720 --> 00:16:20.000
Not a lot of pink tomorrow, and if it's not a lot of pink, then I better get back to work.

00:16:20.080 --> 00:16:21.039
You know what I'm saying?

00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:33.120
So what I just realized in a conversation with one of my best friends the other day is that um I'm feeling rather overwhelmed with my to-do list and all the things that I have to do, but I haven't written them down.

00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:40.799
I have not put them, I have not put pen to paper, pencil to pad, I have not structured things out like I normally would.

00:16:41.039 --> 00:16:49.360
And I realized you're not writing all these things down because you're preparing for being overwhelmed by the size of the list.

00:16:50.320 --> 00:17:05.119
And I guess in my mind, the fear of the size of the list has created this uh ball of anxiety inside myself that says, if you don't worry about it and you just knock something out, cross this off, get that done.

00:17:05.279 --> 00:17:13.599
And you just keep putting one foot forward one in front of the other, and you try to get that one thing done, then you know, when you take the time to write that list, it ain't gonna be so long.

00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:21.279
But in actuality, it's been counterproductive because then all these things which are swirling on the back of my mind that needs to be done.

00:17:21.519 --> 00:17:25.519
This has all led to me comparing myself to my father.

00:17:25.680 --> 00:17:31.680
This has all led me to doubting whether I can lead this family the way my father did.

00:17:31.839 --> 00:17:36.240
It leaves me wondering how in the ever loving world he ever did it.

00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:46.559
When I think about him running his own business, raising his family, taking care of this land and all the tasks at hand, and I remember all the times he said to me, Just wait, boy.

00:17:46.720 --> 00:17:48.720
You just wait till you gotta do this shit yourself.

00:17:48.880 --> 00:17:50.000
It ain't that easy.

00:17:50.240 --> 00:17:53.759
And Lord have mercy, he was not wrong.

00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:55.039
It ain't easy.

00:17:55.279 --> 00:18:11.039
And um I've gotten to the point of being overwhelmed, and I got to the point of asking myself if I will ever live up to my father's footsteps, if I will ever live up to his expectations, and if I make him proud.

00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:23.200
Now, if you know me and you know this story, and if you go back to two years ago and you listen to the eulogy I gave from my father, you know that I know how proud he is of me because he said it to me every single day.

00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:44.480
But I guess the lapse that has happened two years later of not hearing my father tell me every single day how proud he is of me has created this void in me, a vacuum in me, not knowing if I'm still making my father proud, always questioning, always wondering whether I'm making my father proud.

00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:48.160
Now, my wife and my mother get all these signs from my dad.

00:18:48.319 --> 00:18:50.640
I don't know if you guys believe in the spiritual side of life.

00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:55.200
I don't know if you if you believe in this, but um, we wholeheartedly do.

00:18:55.440 --> 00:19:00.559
Those two more so than myself, but I do look for little things.

00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:09.839
And um, if you guys, I hate to keep saying this phrase, but if you've been listening, if you've been going along with the story, then you know that my father's symbol for us is an eagle.

00:19:09.920 --> 00:19:11.599
He comes back as a bald eagle.

00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:16.240
It's not something that you can ignore because how often do you see a friggin' bald eagle?

00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:26.079
And growing up, all up until my dad passed, so two years ago, so at up until being 41, I probably saw two bald eagles in my entire life.

00:19:26.319 --> 00:19:30.240
Since my dad's passing, I've probably seen 15 or 20.

00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:30.720
Okay?

00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:32.400
Think about that, all right?

00:19:32.559 --> 00:19:33.920
And I've seen them all over the place.

00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:36.400
I've seen them in Florida, and I've seen them at my house.

00:19:36.559 --> 00:19:38.160
I've seen them all over the place.

00:19:38.400 --> 00:19:46.160
When I was traveling to Bangor, one was circling, flying right alongside me, and a borrowed box truck heading to my latest event.

00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:47.759
I see bald eagles.

00:19:47.839 --> 00:19:49.759
My family sees bald eagles.

00:19:49.920 --> 00:20:00.480
My my mother and and my wife and my baby were on a trip last weekend, on a little road trip, to do something important and special for my wife that we're gonna share with you in the coming weeks.

00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:05.039
And on that trip, they literally ran right next to a bald eagle.

00:20:05.200 --> 00:20:08.079
So he's always there, he's always guiding us.

00:20:08.720 --> 00:20:15.920
But they always have these different interactions and feelings of his presence that I don't always get.

00:20:16.079 --> 00:20:20.160
I do often feel that my little girl knows who my dad is.

00:20:20.400 --> 00:20:27.200
And for Christmas last year, I actually photoshopped a photo of my father holding my daughter.

00:20:27.440 --> 00:20:33.920
And uh the photo was actually him holding a snapping turtle, a massive 30-pound, 40-pound snapping turtle.

00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:38.319
And uh the way he was holding that turtle, I was like, he would hold a baby the same way.

00:20:38.400 --> 00:20:49.279
So I photoshopped uh my baby, my little girl, into this picture and uh had it printed to look and designed more like a like a painting, like an oil painting.

00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:52.799
And I made a custom frame for it, and I gave it to my mother on Christmas.

00:20:52.960 --> 00:21:00.240
And now she hangs that in my little girl's nursery at my mom's house, and it's right over her crib in her changing area.

00:21:00.799 --> 00:21:06.960
And when you bring Paisley in there to change her, she'll look and stare a bit at that picture.

00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:10.720
And when you get up to leave, she will say papa.

00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:12.240
She'll say it.

00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:17.839
She doesn't have very many words right now, folks, and she can say papa without us really teaching it.

00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:20.079
Because my dad's not here, right?

00:21:20.559 --> 00:21:24.640
And she'll say papa, and she'll point to that photo and she'll laugh and she'll giggle.

00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:30.640
And um there's certain times where I'm like, man, this little girl's talking to my dad.

00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:31.519
I know it.

00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:41.119
And there's expressions that she gives, there's these facial expressions that she gives, there's these different animations that she does that are my dad.

00:21:41.599 --> 00:21:42.880
That's what my dad would do.

00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:51.759
The there's so many things that I remember my dad doing to babies, like the smoochy kiss face that he would do, she does it.

00:21:52.000 --> 00:21:59.920
Um the little way that she wrinkles her nose and scowls with her eyes, these things that she does, they're playful things that my dad would do.

00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:13.920
So I know, without physically being there, without him physically being here or me physically being there when they met, I know they've met, and I know that that she somehow, someway feels him, sees him, and knows him.

00:22:15.359 --> 00:22:24.880
So those are my experiences, but my my my mother and my wife keep having these different these different feelings and and and validations that I don't really have.

00:22:25.359 --> 00:22:27.519
And it leads to that void in me.

00:22:27.599 --> 00:22:32.960
It leads to me asking if he's still proud of me.

00:22:33.200 --> 00:22:40.720
It leads to me wondering if he's watching me and saying, Buck, what the F are you doing, man?

00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:42.400
What are you doing down there?

00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:45.680
Get your shit together, straighten out and figure this out.

00:22:45.759 --> 00:22:47.119
I taught you better than this.

00:22:47.279 --> 00:22:48.880
You shouldn't be struggling like this.

00:22:49.519 --> 00:22:52.720
My dad was a no take no shit kind of guy.

00:22:53.200 --> 00:22:57.759
And I often wonder if he sits back and just says, Boy, you ain't given enough.

00:22:59.039 --> 00:23:04.960
And not being able to have the conversation with him um makes it tough.

00:23:05.039 --> 00:23:06.720
It makes me wonder even more.

00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:10.240
So that's my side of the story.

00:23:10.480 --> 00:23:36.640
But the other side of the story is my mother, and I don't want to speak too much for her, but I can say that my mother is hurting, and I can say that it pains me to see her hurt, and she's doing the best she can to be the best she can, and she's an amazing meme moda little Paisley, and she's been a tremendous blessing to this family, and she's um literally kept us together.

00:23:37.599 --> 00:23:52.240
And my mom's doing the absolute best she can, but I know she's lonely and I know she's hurt, and um, I know she has questions, and I know that there's things that she needs and and answers that she wants, and I just don't know, and I just can't do.

00:23:55.759 --> 00:24:03.519
As we peel back this onion even more, I will tell you guys that my wife loves being on TikTok.

00:24:03.680 --> 00:24:11.119
My wife uh has this little community on TikTok, and she has become a moderator for people on TikTok.

00:24:11.200 --> 00:24:29.119
And what that means is she will get into your feed and they will, you know, invite her in and she will monitor the chat and she'll kick out any of the trolls and the nonsense, and she delegates the right questions and you know, and just takes care of the feed, and she's done it for me when I'm live, and it makes a tremendous difference.

00:24:29.279 --> 00:24:34.160
So I know the people that she does it for uh really appreciate it.

00:24:34.480 --> 00:24:43.599
One lady in particular, Kato, who's a medium, and um, you know, she's had many conversations and readings with Kato, and we've shared some of those on here.

00:24:43.839 --> 00:24:57.839
And there's another lady that I I really feel bad at this moment that I don't remember her name, and uh I'm gonna have to get that and share that on here and maybe send a little push in case you guys are on TikTok and you want to find her and you want to check her out.

00:24:58.079 --> 00:25:10.319
Um she did a reading for my wife a couple weeks ago, and um she did this reading for my wife for free for all the work that she does.

00:25:10.640 --> 00:25:20.319
And um my wife validated that it was real by the stories that were told about the messages that came forward from her grandmother and from her mother.

00:25:21.279 --> 00:25:25.680
It was validated and it was it was truthful, so she knew that it was right.

00:25:26.319 --> 00:25:35.599
And to my wife's credit, with her big heart, she had a conversation with this lady and she said, I lost my father-in-law two years ago.

00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:45.440
The anniversary of his death is next week, and I think it would be tremendous if you could do a reading for his wife.

00:25:46.400 --> 00:26:10.799
So we didn't tell my mother, and on my dad's anniversary, we planned this special call, this um FaceTime video call, and we didn't tell my mother, and my mom, as luck would have it, she was sick and she was feeling down and obviously depressed like all of us.

00:26:11.519 --> 00:26:30.000
And she uh she spent a lot of time with the baby that day and uh just trying to cheer herself up, and then we dragged her out of the house, brought her to the store just to get out of the house, and then we went and got Chinese food takeout, and we came home and we had this big Chinese takeout poo-poo platter extravaganza with the family.

00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:35.359
My wife and my baby, my mother and myself, that unit, that tribe that we formed.

00:26:36.160 --> 00:26:45.119
And at the end of dinner, my wife gets a FaceTime call, and she comes down the hallway to my mom and she says, This calls for you.

00:26:46.400 --> 00:26:47.440
My mom says, What?

00:26:47.519 --> 00:27:00.400
And she doesn't know what's going on, and she goes to sit down, and the lady says to my mom, she says, This calls for you because we're gonna talk to Arthur today.

00:27:01.759 --> 00:27:03.200
Today we're gonna talk to Art.

00:27:05.440 --> 00:27:08.400
My mom started getting emotional, she didn't know what to think.

00:27:08.799 --> 00:27:09.759
I left the room.

00:27:09.839 --> 00:27:21.359
I was sitting in the living room holding my baby, and I could listen and hear both sides of the conversation, everything that lady was saying, and how true it was.

00:27:21.920 --> 00:27:25.519
My dad started by talking about his two boys.

00:27:26.079 --> 00:27:27.839
My dad has seven kids.

00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:39.119
It's a very um difficult and uh interesting group with a unique history, let's say.

00:27:39.920 --> 00:27:47.759
But there's two boys that my dad held true to that were always there for him, and he was always there for, and that's me, my brother David.

00:27:48.000 --> 00:27:51.839
David has passed, but my dad's saying that I knew instantly that's my dad.

00:27:51.920 --> 00:27:53.039
Like I I know.

00:27:54.319 --> 00:28:03.839
And they started talking, and she started describing my dad and his his attitude and his personality and his build, his stature.

00:28:04.720 --> 00:28:27.359
And um she kept talking about him being outside on the woods, and and she was talking about the size of his hands and the calluses on his hands, and she started sharing things about his personality that nobody would know, and she started talking about the fact that he could be really abrasive and come off as a real asshole to most people, except my mother.

00:28:27.519 --> 00:28:42.559
And that to my mother he always showed her his softer side, and that he was a teddy bear for her, and he continued to talk about how much he loved her, and he started to share things to validate that this was real.

00:28:43.200 --> 00:28:48.960
He started to share things and say about their first dates, going roller skating.

00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:52.000
I never even envisioned my dad roller skating.

00:28:52.240 --> 00:28:57.119
But talking about their first date, they were married for 42 years, I want to say.

00:28:57.839 --> 00:28:59.279
This stuff can't be made up.

00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:00.720
You're not gonna research this.

00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:11.920
My mom is not on Facebook she starts talking about the small, intimate wedding that they had and how special it was, and that it was just a real tiny, tiny wedding.

00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:13.920
But she started talking about those things.

00:29:14.720 --> 00:29:19.680
She started mentioning my dad's favorite song that he used to play for my mother.

00:29:19.839 --> 00:29:21.920
All these things she just wouldn't get anywhere else.

00:29:23.440 --> 00:29:37.680
And she also shared so many special things for my mother, and um I can't remember how long this reading went, but halfway through I just sat on the chair hugging my baby girl and bawling my eyes out.

00:29:38.960 --> 00:29:45.359
I was so grateful, I was so hopeful, I was so content for my mother having that conversation.

00:29:46.960 --> 00:29:55.440
All of her her thoughts, all of um her emotions, the times that she thinks, I really think your father was here to see me last night.

00:29:55.680 --> 00:29:57.359
I felt your father here today.

00:29:57.519 --> 00:29:58.640
It was all validated.

00:29:58.799 --> 00:29:59.599
It was all validated.

00:30:01.279 --> 00:30:11.279
The lady started asking my mother certain things like, do you all of a sudden hear the TV ramp up at random hours, the volume going all the way up and coming all the way down?

00:30:11.519 --> 00:30:13.359
That's him messing with you.

00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:21.279
When you're sitting in bed watching TV and you're talking to him and you're feeling stressed out, he's next to you.

00:30:21.440 --> 00:30:23.200
He knows those conversations.

00:30:24.480 --> 00:30:26.880
Have you ever felt the mattress move?

00:30:27.039 --> 00:30:28.880
That's him sitting at the foot of the bed.

00:30:29.119 --> 00:30:32.720
And she started talking about all these things and asked my mother, have you ever felt this?

00:30:32.880 --> 00:30:33.920
Have you ever seen this?

00:30:34.079 --> 00:30:35.680
Have you ever experienced this?

00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:40.559
My mom said yes to those things, and she would describe those things and say, This is validation.

00:30:40.640 --> 00:30:42.240
He wants you to know that that is him.

00:30:42.480 --> 00:30:44.319
He wants you to know that he is always around.

00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:47.200
He wants you to know that he's always around, all of you.

00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:52.240
He also wants you to know that he comes back as a bird of great significance.

00:30:52.640 --> 00:30:54.960
And she started discussing all these things.

00:30:55.119 --> 00:30:59.839
And she started talking about, she started mentioning a um a Christmas sock.

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:06.240
She was talking about how tight we were as a family, as a unit, how tight we've become since he's passed.

00:31:06.319 --> 00:31:08.799
And he was talking about this Christmas sock.

00:31:10.960 --> 00:31:25.279
Well, what I gotta tell you folks is about an hour or two before this conversation, we were at Walmart, and my mother was on the hunt to find a new Christmas sock for Paisley.

00:31:25.599 --> 00:31:29.359
And she wanted her to have a bluey Christmas sock.

00:31:29.440 --> 00:31:38.400
And she'd been hunting around at all these stores saying she couldn't find it, and she finally found it, and she was so excited to buy Paisley a bluey themed Christmas sock.

00:31:38.880 --> 00:31:40.880
How would this lady know this?

00:31:41.119 --> 00:31:44.880
And how would my dad know this if he wasn't there in the store with us?

00:31:46.960 --> 00:31:49.200
All of these things, he mentioned a tree.

00:31:49.279 --> 00:31:57.519
He my mom he started asking my mom about a tree and um what the significance is and what the plan was with a tree.

00:31:57.839 --> 00:32:09.200
And my dad's friends pitched in and sent some money, and together we wanted to get together and and and buy my dad a tree, plant a nice new tree for him as a monument.

00:32:09.599 --> 00:32:20.160
And he was giddy about that, and he kept talking about that, and he kept saying, you know, I think that you should um put it in a place where you can sit with it and you can talk to and you can hang out.

00:32:20.799 --> 00:32:26.240
And then he also kept mentioning this tree off the side of our deck, off the side of my mother's porch.

00:32:26.720 --> 00:32:42.799
There's no tree off the side of my mother's porch, but what there is off the side of my mother's porch is a tree that was cut down, that was carved into a totem pole that we bought as a tribute to my dad, and that I'm staining and working on, and I'm gonna put at the end of our driveway.

00:32:43.119 --> 00:32:56.000
Right before this phone call, previous to the you know, previously uh that day in the afternoon, I was out there with a small chainsaw carving into this totem pole, adding some finishing touches to it.

00:32:56.720 --> 00:32:58.799
How would any of this be known?

00:33:01.119 --> 00:33:02.880
It was crazy to me.

00:33:03.359 --> 00:33:19.680
But hearing him say to my mother how he's always there with her, and that he's always loved her, and he will always love her, and how proud he is of her, and hearing him say how great she is with her granddaughter.

00:33:19.920 --> 00:33:22.880
And the lady said, Do you do you have her a lot?

00:33:23.039 --> 00:33:25.359
And she says, Yes, and she says, Do you play with her a lot?

00:33:25.440 --> 00:33:26.240
And she says, Yes.

00:33:26.319 --> 00:33:28.720
She said, Do you sit on the floor and play with her a lot?

00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:29.920
And she says, Yes.

00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:33.920
I was today, and she said, he was sitting next to you.

00:33:34.160 --> 00:33:37.119
He wants you to know he was sitting there playing with both of you.

00:33:38.880 --> 00:33:47.359
And he also wants you guys to know that he met her and that he knows her.

00:33:50.799 --> 00:33:52.160
And she knows him.

00:33:56.079 --> 00:34:02.720
And he said, I want you to know that I held her first.

00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:06.319
I held that little girl first.

00:34:07.680 --> 00:34:09.360
Before she came to you.

00:34:10.639 --> 00:34:13.840
I was there, I met her, I held her.

00:34:19.920 --> 00:34:23.199
I'm crying now, so you can imagine I was crying then.

00:34:27.119 --> 00:34:30.239
So many things were said, so many things were validated.

00:34:31.519 --> 00:34:36.239
And she asked my mother, she said, Do you dream of him a lot?

00:34:37.280 --> 00:34:39.840
And she said, Yes, and she said, Those are real.

00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:41.039
That's him.

00:34:41.599 --> 00:34:43.599
He likes to come to you in dreams.

00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:45.280
That's absolutely real.

00:34:45.599 --> 00:34:47.440
He goes to all of you in dreams.

00:34:48.400 --> 00:34:56.239
And my mother said, um Keith sees him once in a while, but not much.

00:34:56.400 --> 00:34:58.320
He doesn't he doesn't come to see him very much.

00:34:58.639 --> 00:34:59.920
And she said, Oh no.

00:35:00.239 --> 00:35:01.119
He does.

00:35:02.559 --> 00:35:04.320
He goes to see him all the time.

00:35:07.199 --> 00:35:11.039
He just might not remember it, but he goes to him all the time.

00:35:13.760 --> 00:35:16.960
He told us that he wanted us to celebrate today.

00:35:17.199 --> 00:35:19.039
He didn't want us to be sad today.

00:35:19.280 --> 00:35:22.159
He wanted us to do something, he wanted us to celebrate.

00:35:22.480 --> 00:35:33.280
And we mentioned that, you know, we just had a big Chinese dinner and and and um he was saying, like, he wants you to put your feet up and he wants you to reminisce and he wants you to remember.

00:35:33.840 --> 00:35:35.599
And he said, Do you remember that song?

00:35:35.760 --> 00:35:38.079
That song used to always play for you.

00:35:38.400 --> 00:35:42.400
I want you to listen to that song today, and I want you to think of me.

00:35:43.280 --> 00:35:50.480
So after this call was done, we all came over to my house, and um there's a tribute that I made for my father.

00:35:50.559 --> 00:35:52.960
It's a slideshow with video.

00:35:53.679 --> 00:36:06.800
Um, all the different years of footage I put together and songs that remind me of my father, the song he wants my mother to listen to, so many um funny things, but powerful things.

00:36:07.039 --> 00:36:09.679
I made this amazing tribute for my dad.

00:36:09.920 --> 00:36:14.159
I played it at his service, and I haven't watched it since.

00:36:15.360 --> 00:36:16.960
I haven't been able to do it.

00:36:18.880 --> 00:36:22.079
I've come close to doing it, but I haven't been able to do it.

00:36:23.280 --> 00:36:29.920
We came home, we put it on the big screen, and we watched that tribute just like my father asked me to do.

00:36:34.639 --> 00:36:38.000
And I don't know if I've tried that hard ever in my life.

00:36:41.039 --> 00:36:51.280
I was having such a physical and mental breakdown at my emotional wit's end.

00:36:53.119 --> 00:36:55.679
Legitimately feeling like a breaking point.

00:36:56.239 --> 00:37:00.800
For 20 minutes or half an hour after that video, I just had the urge to throw up.

00:37:00.960 --> 00:37:04.000
I didn't know what to do with myself, I didn't know how to move, how to think.

00:37:04.559 --> 00:37:10.400
And I realized that you might not have ever really grieved.

00:37:11.199 --> 00:37:13.360
You certainly aren't over this.

00:37:14.159 --> 00:37:18.159
I in that moment realize you're always comparing yourself to him.

00:37:18.400 --> 00:37:21.920
You're telling yourself that you're not stacking up next to him.

00:37:26.239 --> 00:37:30.239
It was it was good and it was difficult, right?

00:37:30.719 --> 00:37:35.199
Great memories, tremendous sadness.

00:37:38.880 --> 00:37:44.320
That night I went to sleep and my father came to me in a dream.

00:37:44.800 --> 00:37:46.639
Nothing nothing crazy.

00:37:47.280 --> 00:37:52.480
I got up at five in the morning, brought my mother to work, and on the way to work, my mom said to me, So?

00:37:52.639 --> 00:37:54.079
Did your father come see you?

00:37:54.719 --> 00:37:58.000
I said, Yeah, actually he cut me off in line at Dunkin' Donuts.

00:37:58.320 --> 00:37:59.599
And she was like, What?

00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:02.800
And I said, Yeah, I was waiting in line at Dunkin' Donuts.

00:38:02.880 --> 00:38:07.119
He was in front of me, and all of a sudden he turned around, looked at me, and said, Huh, thought I'd pop in.

00:38:07.280 --> 00:38:11.119
And he paid for his coffee and it was ten dollars and seventy-nine cents.

00:38:12.239 --> 00:38:12.880
I said.

00:38:14.960 --> 00:38:20.159
That's all there was, but it'd be like my dad to say, I thought I'd pop in.

00:38:22.320 --> 00:38:36.079
Well, I dropped my mother off at work and I came home and I did the chores outside and I did a few things, and uh, I was just dragging and I was emotionally beat, and Paisley and Allie were still asleep.

00:38:37.840 --> 00:38:48.320
So I went back upstairs and I crawled back into bed, and I just laid there thinking and stressing and agonizing and wondering.

00:38:50.960 --> 00:38:57.119
And about fifteen or twenty minutes before my wife's alarm went off, I fell asleep.

00:39:01.599 --> 00:39:08.239
And while I was sleeping, I had the most realistic dream that I could ever remember.

00:39:12.079 --> 00:39:18.719
In my dream, I was laying in bed with my wife and my baby, just like everything was just happening.

00:39:18.880 --> 00:39:22.239
My baby's in the crib, my wife's right next to me, I'm laying in bed.

00:39:23.280 --> 00:39:26.719
And it's early morning, sun's up.

00:39:28.880 --> 00:39:36.400
Maybe not too early, maybe I literally get the feeling it's nine or ten o'clock in the morning, and the question is, why are you still in bed?

00:39:36.639 --> 00:39:41.360
And while I'm laying in bed, I'm feeling sorry for myself, and time's ticking away.

00:39:41.920 --> 00:39:46.719
And while I'm laying there, I hear this beeping, I hear this backing up.

00:39:50.079 --> 00:39:57.760
There's a large truck coming down the driveway, and I instantly in my mind hear the beeping, and I know that's a propane truck.

00:39:57.840 --> 00:39:59.679
I'm getting a delivery today.

00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:09.440
And I I get out of bed and I open the window, like I open the blinds, and I look, and there's the propane truck.

00:40:09.760 --> 00:40:17.599
And for some reason, at this time, I have this overwhelming sense of being broke.

00:40:17.840 --> 00:40:29.760
I have this overwhelming feeling that there's no money in my bank account, that I can't pay my bills, that I don't have enough money for the mortgage, and that that propane tank is dry, and I have two tanks back there.

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:36.800
And that load of propane is gonna be$800 or$1,000 to pay for the bill to heat my family's home.

00:40:37.039 --> 00:40:38.400
And I don't have it.

00:40:38.639 --> 00:40:41.599
And I ain't gonna have the mortgage, and I ain't gonna have all these other bills.

00:40:41.679 --> 00:40:43.199
That's what I'm feeling.

00:40:43.920 --> 00:40:48.719
And I turn around and I start having a meltdown, and my wife says, What's the matter?

00:40:48.880 --> 00:40:49.599
What's the matter?

00:40:49.840 --> 00:40:57.440
And I'm on my knees and I've got my my head in my hands on the mattress, and I'm telling her, I'm sorry.

00:40:57.679 --> 00:40:58.639
I'm sorry.

00:40:58.880 --> 00:41:00.400
I just can't do it anymore.

00:41:00.559 --> 00:41:01.599
And she says, What?

00:41:01.679 --> 00:41:03.119
And I said, I'm broke.

00:41:03.280 --> 00:41:08.800
I can't afford to take care of this family, and there's a bill outside that I ain't gonna be able to pay.

00:41:10.320 --> 00:41:15.760
And I crawl back in bed and I'm crying, and my wife's holding me.

00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:19.119
I'm having this mental breakdown.

00:41:20.079 --> 00:41:28.000
And I have all these feelings, I'm experiencing all these feelings, and I hear my dad yell outside to the propane delivery guy.

00:41:28.239 --> 00:41:38.400
He yells to him, he walks over, he grabs the bill, and he comes around and he opens the door to my house, which goes into my garage.

00:41:38.960 --> 00:41:45.440
And while my dad used to open the door to my garage, it opened it so so fast and so hard and so forceful.

00:41:46.719 --> 00:41:48.480
You could feel the house shake.

00:41:48.719 --> 00:41:54.000
If you're sitting on the couch, it was above the garage, like door into the garage, and you could feel it.

00:41:54.079 --> 00:41:55.360
You could feel the house shake.

00:41:55.920 --> 00:41:58.320
Only my father can move the door that way.

00:41:58.559 --> 00:42:01.440
I'm laying in bed and I feel that door.

00:42:01.679 --> 00:42:03.440
I feel the house shake.

00:42:04.639 --> 00:42:09.280
I can hear his work boots walking across my garage floor.

00:42:09.519 --> 00:42:15.280
I hear the door from the garage into my house open.

00:42:17.519 --> 00:42:23.920
My dad would always open that door, and then from the bottom of my stairway, he would yell up the stairs.

00:42:24.079 --> 00:42:26.960
Bach! He didn't want to walk the whole stairs.

00:42:27.039 --> 00:42:32.159
He would yell to me, and I would go to the stairs and ask him what he wanted or what he needed help with.

00:42:32.400 --> 00:42:48.159
So he's yelling my name, and I know at this moment that my father has the bill from the propane delivery truck, but I'm having this meltdown, I'm having this breakdown, and I can't stomach the thought of my dad seeing me this week.

00:42:48.400 --> 00:42:58.639
I can't stomach the actual idea that he's gonna come up here and see me weeping like a child, broken and defeated, failing his entire family.

00:42:58.800 --> 00:43:00.880
I can't live with it, I can't handle it.

00:43:01.440 --> 00:43:04.480
So I'm trying to yell to him, yeah, yeah, I got it.

00:43:04.639 --> 00:43:07.199
And he doesn't hear me because he never heard me.

00:43:07.679 --> 00:43:10.320
Then I hear his boots coming up the stairs.

00:43:10.639 --> 00:43:12.239
Buck, buck.

00:43:13.119 --> 00:43:16.880
And I'm laying in bed and I'm like, yeah, I know, I'll be right out.

00:43:18.079 --> 00:43:22.320
And I'm trying to get my wife to get up to go to go talk to him.

00:43:22.400 --> 00:43:26.159
I'm trying to get Allie to go, but he's moving too fast.

00:43:26.320 --> 00:43:28.719
All of a sudden I hear the door in my kitchen open up.

00:43:28.880 --> 00:43:35.440
My dad walks in, and I hear those big heavy construction steel-toe boots come walking across my kitchen floor.

00:43:35.599 --> 00:43:38.639
And I hear him coming into the living room and I'm yelling, Yeah, yeah, I got it.

00:43:38.719 --> 00:43:40.079
I'll be right out.

00:43:40.400 --> 00:43:58.559
And he walks from the kitchen to the living room, and then he walks into the doorway into my bedroom, and he stands at the foot of my bed and he sees me lying in bed, crying, broken, like a defeated child.

00:43:59.920 --> 00:44:04.320
And I have to turn around and look at him and face him.

00:44:08.079 --> 00:44:10.639
The one man that I never wanted to let down.

00:44:11.119 --> 00:44:14.639
I had to face him and let him see me for failing.

00:44:17.360 --> 00:44:21.599
And I looked at my father, and he was there and he was real.

00:44:25.519 --> 00:44:31.119
He was probably twenty, twenty-five years younger than when he left this world.

00:44:35.599 --> 00:44:48.320
He was a strong masculine handsome redneck.

00:44:48.800 --> 00:44:54.559
I don't believe that I remember and he looks at me.

00:45:02.400 --> 00:45:03.199
Embarrassed.

00:45:17.519 --> 00:45:23.760
My dad kneels down at my bedside and he holds my hand.

00:45:27.119 --> 00:45:29.440
And I can feel the calluses.

00:45:31.440 --> 00:45:35.199
I can feel his leathery strong hands.

00:45:36.559 --> 00:45:38.800
Two or three times the size of mine.

00:45:43.280 --> 00:45:44.639
I hold his hand.

00:45:47.199 --> 00:45:50.000
And I say, I'm sorry.

00:45:51.280 --> 00:45:52.639
And I just start bawling.

00:45:53.119 --> 00:45:54.719
And I say, Dad, I'm sorry.

00:45:58.639 --> 00:46:04.719
And I said to him, I don't know if I can do it anymore.

00:46:07.599 --> 00:46:09.760
Dad, I don't think I can do this.

00:46:14.400 --> 00:46:15.440
I'm not you.

00:46:17.599 --> 00:46:19.599
I can't do this as good as you, Dad.

00:46:19.679 --> 00:46:21.280
I don't think I can do this anymore.

00:46:21.440 --> 00:46:22.800
I can't do this.

00:46:25.039 --> 00:46:35.440
And I look over to him and I start begging and weeping like a child, and I say, Daddy, tell me.

00:46:36.559 --> 00:46:37.840
Can I do this?

00:46:39.280 --> 00:46:49.840
And then I looked up and he was staring at me, he was staring into my soul, and his eyes were these bright white lights.

00:46:50.719 --> 00:47:04.559
This amazingly bright, piercing white light coming from his eyes, looking right through me, as if to call my bluff, as if to calm me out.

00:47:05.519 --> 00:47:10.079
As if he was saying with that one look, Are you kidding me?

00:47:11.039 --> 00:47:11.840
Get up.

00:47:12.079 --> 00:47:13.599
Of course you can do this.

00:47:13.840 --> 00:47:14.719
Get up.

00:47:16.400 --> 00:47:20.800
Just like that, without any words, just a look.

00:47:21.199 --> 00:47:22.559
The dream is over.

00:47:23.440 --> 00:47:27.199
And I woke up with tears streaming down my face.

00:47:28.559 --> 00:47:32.639
Going right back to that same reaction I had while watching the video.

00:47:33.280 --> 00:47:39.440
My wife was laying next to me in bed playing on her phone because she was getting ready to get up to get ready for work.

00:47:40.320 --> 00:47:43.119
Saying, wow, didn't really expect that.

00:47:43.599 --> 00:47:45.119
So think about this for a minute.

00:47:45.280 --> 00:47:47.840
Let's just kind of dig into this.

00:47:48.000 --> 00:47:50.800
Let's uh let's get to the center of the onion here.

00:47:50.960 --> 00:48:01.280
Obviously, an embarrassing dream, not one that you want to share with everyone, but I'm saying these things to prove a few things.

00:48:01.440 --> 00:48:06.559
Number one, I'm struggling with comparing myself to my father.

00:48:06.639 --> 00:48:13.920
I'm struggling with holding up my list and his list and supporting and carrying this family.

00:48:14.159 --> 00:48:16.000
I'm struggling with those things.

00:48:16.320 --> 00:48:21.440
This dream with my father was me as vulnerable as possible.

00:48:21.599 --> 00:48:25.840
It was me at my weakest, at a breaking point.

00:48:26.000 --> 00:48:41.599
It was me just overcome with emotion, defeated, depleted, facing all my fears, having to tell the man that uh opinion I valued most in life, saying, I'm sorry, I F this up.

00:48:41.760 --> 00:48:43.920
I'm gonna lose everything you ever built.

00:48:44.079 --> 00:48:47.440
I'm at a point right now where I can't even take care of my family.

00:48:47.599 --> 00:48:49.679
I can't even heat my own home.

00:48:49.840 --> 00:48:51.840
That's the dream I was having.

00:48:52.000 --> 00:48:54.480
I'm not saying that that's what's happening.

00:48:54.639 --> 00:48:56.960
I'm saying that's the dream that I was having.

00:48:57.199 --> 00:49:01.679
And those emotions and the way I was handling myself, it was embarrassing.

00:49:02.559 --> 00:49:06.559
That dream broke me down to a point of weakness.

00:49:08.079 --> 00:49:14.079
And it forced me to have a conversation with my father that I was always scared to have.

00:49:14.320 --> 00:49:16.639
A conversation to say, I failed.

00:49:16.800 --> 00:49:30.000
There's many times in my life where I've sat down with my father and I've told him, I'm sorry, I effed up, I failed, I screwed this up, I lost this, I lost the career, I lost the job, I lost the girl, whatever.

00:49:30.079 --> 00:49:31.920
I've had all those conversations.

00:49:33.440 --> 00:49:36.239
This was me yet again having one of those conversations.

00:49:36.320 --> 00:49:46.960
And as I think back and I realize, man, all these emotions, all these doubts, they all came out right around the anniversary of my father's passing.

00:49:47.760 --> 00:49:49.519
That's not coincidential.

00:49:49.679 --> 00:49:52.079
That's that's fate.

00:49:52.320 --> 00:50:03.360
And hearing the conversation from the median that said he's gonna come to you in a dream, and then sure enough, there he is.

00:50:05.199 --> 00:50:12.400
All those those things, the conversations that I had been scared to have, that I I'm not able to have, I had.

00:50:16.880 --> 00:50:25.360
Having the conversation, my mother having that conversation with the median before my dream validated that these things are real.

00:50:25.679 --> 00:50:42.320
Those conversations prepared me for the fact that I could have one of these experiences, and then having it, it feels more real because it was validated before whatever happened by the conversations, by the the minute details that came out.

00:50:42.480 --> 00:50:45.920
All of it was validated, all of it was true.

00:50:46.960 --> 00:50:49.760
I'm willing to share this embarrassing dream.

00:50:49.920 --> 00:51:04.000
I'm willing to share these embarrassing, difficult struggles because I know there's a massive portion of you listening right now that are too struggling.

00:51:04.320 --> 00:51:08.880
I know that there's so many of you dealing with similar issues that I have.

00:51:09.039 --> 00:51:12.880
You feel like there's some ways you don't stack up.

00:51:13.039 --> 00:51:16.239
There's ways that you're not fulfilling your purpose.

00:51:16.320 --> 00:51:18.000
You feel like you're struggling.

00:51:18.320 --> 00:51:23.119
If you've lost somebody extremely close to you that you love, you're longing for them.

00:51:23.199 --> 00:51:33.599
You're earning, you're, you're, you're just spending countless hours and time wondering what they're thinking, what they're doing, what they would say, how they would feel.

00:51:33.920 --> 00:51:38.239
I'm saying these things because there's so many of you that are in the same shoes that I'm in.

00:51:38.480 --> 00:51:42.000
If I'm struggling, then I know others are struggling too.

00:51:42.159 --> 00:51:47.599
I share these things with you to provide and to hopefully create hope.

00:51:48.079 --> 00:51:48.639
Hope.

00:51:48.880 --> 00:51:53.360
I want today's message to be a great, massive dose of hopium.

00:51:53.599 --> 00:51:57.519
I want everybody to be filled with hope, to be optimistic.

00:51:57.679 --> 00:52:01.840
I want you to know that there is life after this.

00:52:02.000 --> 00:52:08.000
I want you to know that if you've lost someone close to you, they're still here with you.

00:52:08.159 --> 00:52:10.880
They're still always there for you.

00:52:11.360 --> 00:52:16.800
Talk to them, put the things out, get them out, let them know how you feel.

00:52:17.039 --> 00:52:22.639
I understand it's not going to make all things better because it certainly doesn't make everything better.

00:52:22.960 --> 00:52:26.639
But there's some hope there, there's some comfort there.

00:52:27.519 --> 00:52:39.599
If anybody is interested in um speaking with uh a median, the lady that we talked to was great, and uh, I would highly recommend her, and I will give you her information.

00:52:39.760 --> 00:52:51.840
I don't um have it right now because she's my wife's friend, but my wife has two people that she um has formed a great relationship with, one of them being Kato, and she will get you that information if you are at all interested.

00:52:52.159 --> 00:53:00.800
But I shared this message after my father's anniversary to hopefully highlight a few things.

00:53:01.039 --> 00:53:22.800
Number one, don't run from your feelings, and I know that that's a Chris Farley line, but don't run from your your mourning, like don't run from your grieving, but also don't let that grief swallow you up, don't let that grief overcome you.

00:53:22.960 --> 00:53:26.320
Acknowledge it, experience it, overcome it.

00:53:26.559 --> 00:53:28.960
If you run from it, it's always gonna be there.

00:53:29.119 --> 00:53:31.440
Eventually, you're gonna relapse to it.

00:53:31.519 --> 00:53:32.400
You understand?

00:53:32.559 --> 00:53:37.920
And even if you deal with grief the best you possibly can, there's gonna be good days and bad, there's gonna be difficult days and sad.

00:53:38.159 --> 00:53:39.679
It's gonna happen.

00:53:40.320 --> 00:53:42.800
I thought I did the best I could with grieving.

00:53:42.960 --> 00:53:46.000
If you guys have been listening, you'll hear some of those stories.

00:53:46.400 --> 00:53:51.599
But the fact that I couldn't watch a video for two years, it brought me back.

00:53:52.320 --> 00:53:57.840
The fact that I've been longing for his approval and I haven't gotten it.

00:53:58.159 --> 00:54:06.239
The fact that I've spent two years not hearing somebody say I'm proud of you, I didn't realize the difficulty it caused for me.

00:54:08.239 --> 00:54:12.480
We can't run from grief, but we also can't let it overtake us.

00:54:14.239 --> 00:54:23.280
I'm hoping that somewhere in today's story, somewhere in today's dream, somewhere in today's struggle, you realize that you're not alone.

00:54:23.440 --> 00:54:25.039
You're never alone.

00:54:26.239 --> 00:54:29.760
I hope there's a great lesson of hopium here.

00:54:30.159 --> 00:54:33.039
Over the past few weeks, we've talked about some difficult things here.

00:54:33.119 --> 00:54:35.920
We've talked about Allie's mother committing suicide.

00:54:36.000 --> 00:54:46.800
We talked about the young man playing for the Dallas Cowboys at 24 years old, could not get over the grief of that he was suffering with, that he was struggling with of his mother's passing.

00:54:47.039 --> 00:54:48.880
In turn, he took his life.

00:54:49.199 --> 00:54:58.320
Allie's mother lived so many years of her life struggling with the grief of her father's passing, and ultimately it was part of the reason for her decisions.

00:54:58.719 --> 00:55:01.519
I say these things because I struggle too.

00:55:01.679 --> 00:55:03.840
I live with grief too for my father's past.

00:55:04.239 --> 00:55:07.920
And I know so many of you listening have those same struggles.

00:55:08.320 --> 00:55:12.159
I want y'all to know no matter how dark it is, there is light.

00:55:12.400 --> 00:55:20.960
I want to know, I want y'all to know no matter how far away they seem to you, they can be right by your side tonight.

00:55:21.599 --> 00:55:29.519
Talk to them, love them, and do know that someday, some way you will be together again.

00:55:29.679 --> 00:55:33.199
But today you owe it to them to live.

00:55:33.440 --> 00:55:36.880
Today you owe it to them to live up to their expectations.

00:55:37.119 --> 00:55:53.599
Today you owe it to them to live up to their hopes and dreams and aspirations that they have for you, and you owe it to yourself to live and fulfill this life of purpose that you've been given, to fulfill and live and experience all of your dreams.

00:55:54.000 --> 00:55:56.480
You owe it to you.

00:55:56.719 --> 00:56:00.159
I beg of you, I implore you, I empower you.

00:56:00.480 --> 00:56:11.679
On this day of giving thanks as we approach Thanksgiving Day, when you sit down at your dinner table, give thanks for this life you live.

00:56:11.920 --> 00:56:17.519
All things you have gone through, all things you have grown through, they are blessings given to you.

00:56:17.679 --> 00:56:22.079
We are given in this life only things that we can handle.

00:56:22.239 --> 00:56:25.840
Whatever difficulty it is, this too shall pass.

00:56:26.159 --> 00:56:32.639
If you are like me and you lost someone close to you, count the blessings for the memories that you have.

00:56:32.880 --> 00:56:44.480
Count the blessings for the legacy and the lessons that were learned and all that history, and be grateful for the fact that someday, somehow, you'll be together again.

00:56:44.960 --> 00:56:59.760
And know that as you sit down at your table and you're looking for ways to feel thankful and blessed, please do know I will be sitting at mine, counting you as one of my ways of being thankful and blessed.

00:57:00.000 --> 00:57:03.039
Thank you for supporting my American dream.

00:57:03.199 --> 00:57:06.559
Have a great effing Thanksgiving, everybody.

00:57:08.559 --> 00:57:10.960
That's it, and that's all, Biggie Smalls.

00:57:25.039 --> 00:58:05.039
If you're allowed proud American and you find yourself just watching or find me on YouTube, Facebook, and Loud Proud American, Facebook, I'm called if you're fancy Raman, you want to find me on Instagram, probably, tickety socket, I'm a tickety talking, you can find me on all of those loud underscore underscore things on the gun structure on the background.

00:58:08.559 --> 00:58:10.239
You are joining what you're hearing.

00:58:40.320 --> 00:58:43.119
Now go wash your fucking hands, you filthy savage.